It is a turning point in my life. I am at the point where I haven’t quite let go of the past, and until I do I will not be able to build a new future.
Last Sunday night in my writing group when it was my turn to read the writing that I shared broke my heart. The writing examined what home meant to me, and who the person was in my life that had been my greatest supporter. The place that was my home and the person I consider the greatest supporter in my life are gone. I can barely breathe thinking of this.
And today a dear one left a comment after my last blog post. She said something nice about one of my garden photos but I had to tell her that the green fence that she said she liked was not weathered but moldy, and breaking down, the bottom edge rotting. This will be the last year for that fence. My beautiful lime green gated garden as well as the pink gated garden were built in 2010 when I bought this house. Then the giant Magic Ship that I had rebuilt and painted pink, purple and orange were here, and a huge yard filled with garden art, 50 roses planted, the whole place was beyond imagining, people said it was like walking into a Dr. Seuss book. And then the fire happened, and The Magic Ship was destroyed when a huge tree fell across it in an ice storm, and when the house was on the market for several months in 2016 I had all of the garden art and everything out there that could be carted off taken away. And things languished and died.
This year I have tried to do a little gardening again but it is not in me. There were the days, as I wrote to dear Julia, when I worked outside until 9:00 at night and came in muddy and soaked to the skin from sweat and bitten up by bugs and was absolutely in a bliss state. I was creating a kind of paradise out here. That paradise is lost. I have struggled to try to recreate a very tiny part of it but it cannot be done. I don’t have the heart, the energy, or the money to do what I once did, and trying has broken my heart. I am through. I want it all to be over, this trying to reclaim the past. For some people being able to do just a little bit is enough. That’s not who I am. I don’t do things casually and I don’t do things by halves. And trying to do what I could and having it go badly has nearly done me in this summer. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t go back and I won’t be able to move forward until I stop trying.
When you can’t go back, where do you go? How do you move forward?
Well, for one thing, there is my teaching. Teaching is something that I did for decades and no, I am not able to teach in the way that I once did but the root of it, the heart of it, is inside me, it’s like riding a bike, you may not have done it in awhile but you don’t forget how, and it does not take great physical effort or a lot of money to do it. It is an inside job. And writing, this whole business of living as writer, is what I have known since I was 9 years old and escaped sexual and emotional abuse by hiding with my little notebook and pen and writing. I wrote as a child, as a teen, as a young woman, as a wife and mother, as a newly divorced woman lost and alone and afraid, as an agoraphobic woman who could, many days, not even go outside to get the mail, or groceries when the cupboard was nearly bare, but I could write. I could write when I couldn’t do anything else. Writing saved me as a child and it is saving me now. I can do it right here, in my studio, with my pugs snuggled up to me. I can teach, right here, in my studio, just where I am writing to you right now. Through the magic and the miracle of the technology available to one such as me today, I am able to transcend physical and emotional limitations. I can reach out to people across the United States, Canada, and as far away as Australia in this class of mine. We write together, we read and share from our hearts, magic is happening in this class. There is hope for me yet.
When you can’t go back what do you do? Where do you go? You go forward, with what you have, in the way that you can, now. And, most importantly, you stop clinging to what once was. Gardens lost, the person and the place that was home to you gone, the one person who was your rock but will never be in your life again, also gone, you look around you and see what is here, in this moment, right now. And that is what I am doing, that is my work now. I am taking stock, I am making a list of what is still here and what I can do, and I am going to make the most of these things.
I started this blog experiment near the end of September last year. I was searching for happiness. I think, now, over 10 months in, that the secret to happiness might be to let go of what once was and never can be again, and take a look around you at what there is now, and go with that. Build on that. Revel in that and find joy in it.
Let go, let go, let go, and move on.
I hope I can do that. I’m trying. What else is there but this? I really don’t have a choice. None of us do. What do you do when you can’t go back? You let go and you move forward with what you’ve got. It’s as simple as that, it’s all there is, there is no other choice, so let’s get on with it, I tell myself. What are you waiting for? You’ve waited long enough. As Scarlett O’Hara said at the end of Gone With The Wind, “Tomorrow is another day.” And tomorrow is all I’ve got. I’m going to try to make the most of it.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
I came across this passage tonight and thought it might resonate with you. Hugs, Maitri!
“What if you could pick one day of your life, and everything would stop changing, every day would be similar and comparable to that one day, you’d always have the same people with you? If you could do that, would you do it? Would you pick that day and make that choice? We crave for things to stop changing, we wish that things would never change. But if we got what we wanted, there are so many things that are better, that we would never, ever know about. Sure, things would stay the same as that one wonderful day, but then there would be nothing else out there, ever. So can you remember the very first day when everything really did begin to change? Is there a thing that can remind you? Mine is a blue rose, and that’s when everything began to change because that’s the day I began to believe in things I never believed in before; the day I found three blue roses. Think about your first day of change, can you remember all the new heights you’ve soared since that day? All the new people? All the better things and times? Would you throw all of that time away? I wouldn’t. Instead, I want to finally accept all the things that I couldn’t change, which led to me being right here, right now. Maybe we all carry around inside us one day we wish we could keep forever, something we wished never did change. It’s time to let go of that day, and soar.“
C. Joybell C.
Maggie, wow, that quote is stunning! Thank you so much for sharing it with me honey.
I’m sending you a big, warm hug this morning. We’re not alone now, we have each other in this special group of women who have come together to write on Sunday nights. Something special is happening there. I’m so glad you’r part of this. Thank you so much honey…
Love,
Maitri
” What do you do when you can’t go back? You let go and you move forward with what you’ve got.” So true. Simple- but difficult. Not sure the complete saying but it’s something about when one door closes another one opens……. well, the door opened but I haven’t gone through it. Like I’m peeking in, hoping another door will open. Not gonna happen. Then there was the door that was open, I started to go through, and someone shut it from the other side. I’m with you, Maitri. I know the open door is where I should go, let go of the door handles that are not open , stop fiddling around searching my pockets for the keys that are not there. It is hard, I am tired and disappointed. You are not alone in this transitory feeling. Thank you (again) for giving us a forum where we can express these feelings- I’m not looking for problem solving, just getting the feeling out. If your friend is correct about August being difficult I guess there will be more days of indecision, but we will move on. I’m holding your hand in mine, and with all your friends and posters we will help each other.
Yes dear Lorraine, as I just said to Maggie above we are not alone. Hold my hand, I’m here with you. I will stand with you as you look at the door and decide what to do. I can’t tell you whether to go through or not but I can tell you that you are not alone as you stand on the threshold. Keep coming here and speaking your truth. I’m listening, and I’m here, holding your hand…
Let go let go
we all have things to let go of … and oh man I for one hate having to go through it.
Face certains truths about myself. Facing facts of where I am now and where I have or want to go in my future.
I cry .. well you have heard me cry .. lets face it i cry still at the end of Wizard Of Oz. there is no place like home….
I hate where I am living now… and look forward to our forever home.
i love gardening but not here . everything here dies for some reason.. so I just gave up.. and well moved on to something else ..
I too am kinda lost in the foggy now slowly moving forward …
Today I was asked “what do you tell a 8 year old girl when she asks, Mom why is there so much bad in the world?” I told this poor mother you point out the good in the world. you ask her what was the best thing that happened to you today?
so i may be lost but the best thing that has happened me today was talking to my Mom .. yup the 83 year old gal .. i said Mom my friends call you the cool mom see even at 83 you’re the cool mom … she laughed and said she loved me.
Maitri your the cool mentor and you are loved 🙂
Oh dear sweet Julia, I am going to put this on a post-it note here on my computer…
“I told this poor mother you point out the good in the world. you ask her what was the best thing that happened to you today?”
Because despite it all there IS good in the world and good things DO happen each day in the middle of everything, don’t they?
And thank you for your kind words dear Julia. You, too, are loved. I’m so glad you are in our Sunday night group. May we continue to do good work together. There is magic there.
I’m hugging you, real big…
you may think your garden is through, but what about that glorious wide open hibiscus? what about that jaunty bright zinnia? what about those climbing roses that keep making more babies?
sometimes a little can be alot. beauty in small doses is as magnificent, if you LOOK, as the large display.
One little flower in a vase beside your computer.
One haiku tacked on the bulletin board.
One song you find yourself singing as you wash dishes.
The past may be gone, but facets live on, and bring nourishment. Your pen knows so many truths, and every cell in your body is a testament to a full life.
Carry on, wise, talented, generous, tender woman. Be nourished by knowing you are touching us all deeply. Whether you are sad, happy, doing cartwheels, or dragging yourself to make that first cup of coffee. Thank you for sharing it all.
xo
ka
Oh Katya honey, thank you for all of this, it was so good to read this morning. Today I will cut some flowers from my wild garden and put them here by me, small remembrances.
And I think now, at this time in my life, my work is to discover the truths my pen knows, to share them here, in our classes, in the stories we write together, in everything possible.
I am carrying on. I am doing my best. And I so appreciate you being here with me through it all. Thank you honey, I love you…
M. xoxox
It’s called “Stepping Out in Faith.”
Oh thank you Marge, yes, I love that honey…
There is also the Sideways Bunny Hop, which I seem to have become an expert at.
Caregiving may be many things, but “boring” isn’t one of them. I find myself in dynamic flux, more often than not, these days, where the only movement possible is the Sideways Bunny Hop. Some days l am in massive Resistance; other days, Acceptance prevails.
I am learning that when I’m in Resistance to Life As Is, that’s a sign that I need to check my boundaries, and most likely engage in some Self-Care. If I can get back to “neutral,” that is enough.
I’m also learning to savor the Little Things, like the smell of a rose, my purring cat snoozing on my lap, or a yogurt parfait for breakfast, like I’m having just now. If I’m on my game, I can remember to Pause, and Breathe, and unclench, just a wee bit.
Back to the Adventures today. Tomorrow Himself and I have a hot date with the beach, and a much needed spot of Respite! Sending cooling ocean breezes your way. 🙂
Oh Virginia, what a wonderful post here. Sideways Bunny Hop! I love that! You are so wise.
And savoring the little things is what saves me, most of all my wee pugs always snuggled in close, and especially when they are sleeping making their soft little puggy snoring sounds. That is bliss to me.
I hope you and Himself having a lovely time at the beach tomorrow. I like to think of you there. Will you pack a picnic and spend the day? I’d love to hear how it goes.
I’m sending you love and a gentle warm hug dear sister…
Maitri
You are doing what you love. You have your precious pugs. You give so much to others. Give as much to yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it. You can do it. I have seen you do it. You and i are a lot alike in some. Ways. We reach out to anyone hurting or frightened or confused. You are wise gentle and so loving. I have every faith that you will find your way. You don’t know how you have touched me when I was so worried about my little Gracie. Our prayers are answered. She is home resting and purring albeit still a bit groggy. Your talent is knowing what to say. Trust that gift. You are the only you there is. The world would be a sad place without you.
Oh dear Paula, you are so kind, and I am so glad your sweet Gracie is home and going to be okay, that was such good news to hear, and yes my sweet babies are right here with me, they are my heart, my everything.
You have given me a lift this morning with your kind words, thank you so much. I know you and Kevin have been through so much lately, I hope you are finding days getting a little gentler. May it be so.