For some reason it has been one of the hard days. I am sad and I feel lost.
The day started well enough. Last night I made the decision to close registration for the classes and keep our group to the 20 or so lovely women in it. This was well received and all went well. My daughter was here last night and we had the loveliest evening. I made dinner for us, we visited, had a little wine, watched a movie. I slept not too badly last night. This morning was another dark, rainy morning with torrential downpours, but there was a break in the rain and I was able to get the dogs out. I took care of them, fed them, made my coffee, and got started on my day. It seemed, as some days do, that all was going along okay, but this afternoon things started to unravel.
I don’t know why these things happen.
It is as though something starts to come apart somewhere in the center and you can feel yourself falling through. You try to grab onto the edges but the threads slip through your fingers.
I had looked forward to something this weekend that isn’t going to happen. And then I got an unexpected bill in the mail that scared me. All of a sudden I’ve begun wondering about medicare and it completely overwhelms me. A laundry list of fears that is 10 miles long is flying through my mind.
Stop. Sit down. Take a breath.
I walked outside with the dogs. The little area that I broadcast a million different seeds in in May but which are mainly varieties of cosmos and zinnias which I planted heavily has begun to bloom. It is beautiful but not quite the glory that it once was before the fire. The once beautiful green fence looks old and dirty and the wood is rotting all along the bottom, but there are the flowers, and the whole area was abuzz with bees, dragonflies were everywhere, there were butterflies. My heart lifted. I plant this area for the insects. I rarely even pick any of the flowers though there are thousands. I plant for the insects and the birds. It makes me so happy to see them enjoying themselves there as they will late into fall.
And just as I was turning to go in I spotted the one perfect pink zinnia. Somehow it felt like a sign to me. Amidst chaos and confusion there is still perfection and beauty in enough places to help us make sense of the world. In that moment it was enough.
Tonight I am scared again. And sad, and lonely. As I write this there are tears in my eyes and that feeling you get when you know you are about to break down and really cry. But there was that one perfect zinnia, and there are many more. I will try to remember that.
I know, somehow, that everything will be okay. I go through this. I get past it. But tonight I am sad, and I am lonely, and not even the zinnia is helping.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
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Sometimes it is the Small Messages that get us through the hardest times, the things we notice that others don’t.
My special message comes through seeing my birthdate (month and day) on clocks, on receipts, and other places that use numbers, when I’m least expecting it. I see my date, and I can take a breath, and know that everything will be okay, before going on with my day. Sometimes I forget, but most of the time that little nudge from Spirit goes a long way.
May you receive the same Certainty with the zinnias, the cosmos, and all the other flowers.
Thank you Victoria honey, the flowers are a help, they surely are. I hope you are well honey…
Mercury is Retrograde and things can go wrong (like my not being able to put up a photo on my facebook post), including communication with self. This is the time to be kind to yourself. You are so kind to everyone else! Hug yourself, be your own best friend.
I too love zinnias. Just looking at a single perfect flower does for one moment give you a feeling of zen enlightenment.
sending loving hugs
xo
ka
Thank you dear Katya, I didn’t know Mercury was retrograde, that can surely explain a lot. And flowers do help. Yesterday afternoon I was lost, and then last night my dinner didn’t sit well and I got very sick. And we’ve had so much dark rainy weather lately, I think that affects one.
And thank you for the hug. I really needed one this morning. I love you honey…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri, Is there anything I can do for you? Chat or anything to help? I know these days and they suck. When I get days like that I just go with it and watch a light movie or play some games. It might not help but usually the next day the sadness is gone. Usually.
I know what you mean about a bill that is scary too.
Also like what Victoria said, when I see those special numbers it helps. I know my angels are nudging me letting me know they are there.
Your flower pictures you’ve been posting are beautiful! Simply gorgeous. Thank you for sharing them with us.
It is also healing to cry and let out those feelings <3
Much Love, Jean
Thank you for your offer of help dear Jean. As I just wrote to Katya I don’t know what happened to me last night, my dinner didn’t sit well or something but I got really sick last night so wasn’t back here to answer people, but your kind note meant a lot this morning. I’ve already called about the bill and am waiting for a call back. I shouldn’t have gotten this bill and it completely unnerved me. Katya said Mercury is retrograde, and I know that can wreak havoc. I have therapy today and that should help. I just hope I can get this bill straightened out.
And I am sending you love and a hug too…
Maitri
Sending love and energy , Maitri.
Thank you Lisa honey, I appreciate that…
I cried today, too. I was strong, until I heard my daughter’s voice, then I broke down. She is my safe place where vulnerability is always okay.
Some days we just need one perfect pink zinnia. Today mine was my daughter.
Hope you are feeling better. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts.
Thank you Maggie, I’m so sorry it was a hard day for you too but I’m so glad your daughter was there for you. My daughter Rachel is always here for me and I don’t know what would have become of me without her. And how lovely to compare your daughter to that perfect pink zinnia. That is beautiful.
I hope you feel better today too honey. I hope it’s a better day for us both…
Much love and a gentle warm hug to you…
Maitri
I haven’t been very diligent in following email and FB and other electronic ways of communicating lately. I wonder if the lure of the electronic rabbit hole has kept me from getting my life together. I’m so pleased that you have found peace with establishing a group to encourage and mentoring writers. I don’t think I’m a writer….so I did not join. I’m glad you still have this blog. It feels like a touch stone where strength and vulnerability can exist as they do in real life. Some days I feel I can take on anything. Other days I have trouble just being awake. You and the other readers and commenters here understand these ups and downs- it’s a safe place here. This week has been difficult- too many small things making me weepy for no apparent reason. But I know I will get through it. And flowers do help, don’t they?
Dear Lorraine, thank you for your kind thoughts. This blog is a touchstone for me too. Each day I come here. It gives me something to hold onto during the hard times especially. And when people take time to comment, as you and others have after this post, it helps me so much.
I’m sorry this has been a difficult time, and all those small things can add up. We will get through, we both will, but it can really weigh a body down, can’t it? And flowers help, but even the flowers, sometimes, are not enough. That’s when it’s really hard.
I will hold you in my heart and hope that today is a better day for you, for us both. I don’t want to be afraid…
We are experiencing difficult times with this eclipse window and according to one vedic astrologer I follow (Joni Patry from http://www.galacticcenter.org) August will be a difficult month. (Please consider signing up to her regular newsletters) I’m working with sunstone and dumortierite crystals. Many people will be triggered by unresolved pain in their lives which will come up for review. I’ve been told its a time for healing for those who wish to take that opportunity. I am feeling intense feelings Maitri. I’m using sunstone to get me through the eclipse season and dumortierite to process pain on all levels. I can’t see a therapist but just use crystals. I hope you will see it that way and use it as a way to break free of the past and move forward. We are in Leo now so its time to be bold, take risks and put ourselves out there even though I must admit I prefer to just blend in. Just take a chance Maitri, its all we can ever do! 🙂
Thank you for the good information Leeanne. I’m so glad that you have found help and comfort in the crystals. They are wonderful presences aren’t they? And sunstone is an especially lovely stone and dumortierite is a powerful stone. I hope they will see you through.
oh my look at all the love here Maitri… I can feel it like an old soft blanket that floats around you and makes you feel comfy cozy. oh so safe within that blanket.
Small steps and many breaths to work through the mercury retro .. oh my.
I did love the look of your old fence.. I love old fences they have a story to tell. I can tell your ole fence has a few stories as well.
Hold on love things will be better soon … much love
Julia, I am deeply grateful for all of you who take time to come here and comment. It means more than I can possibly tell you. And mercury retrograde! Oy!
I have two gated fenced areas in my back yard. One is the lime green fence and the other one is bright pink. But they were both built in 2010, they are dingy and dirty looking, not pretty as they once were. Some fences look good “weathered” but these are not weathered. The humidity is so bad here it is really a kind of mold. They need powerwashing but then with the green fence the wood along the bottom is rotting and the gates on both of the fences are broken. It was once so beautiful back here, before the fire. It’s kind of heartbreaking. It keeps me from wanting to really get out there and do much. But I broadcasted seeds for the first time since the fire in 2014. I buy the seeds by the pound and broadcast heavily so they come up thickly and the insects just love them. I don’t know what will happen after this summer. I am learning that sometimes you can’t go back. I was a HUGE gardener creating very large magical gardens but Julia it just isn’t in me anymore, physically or emotionally and Lordy it is so hot and humid here I could barely stand being out today to do all my errands. There were years I was out until 9 at night working in the garden by the outside lights. I would come in muddy and filthy, soaked to the skin with sweat, bitten up by bugs, and in a bliss state. That woman doesn’t exist anymore. I think now I’m trying to figure out just exactly who does exist inside of me.
I am holding on. I am better after therapy today. Not quite where I’d like to be but better. This is a good thing. Now I’m off to do today’s blog post. We do what we can each day and it’s enough, it has to be.
Sending you big hugs from across the sea…
Thank you dear Moira, and I am hugging you right back…