The Experiment: Day 297 ~ This Is Where I Have Been Headed — There Is Light Here…

When I started this experiment, this search for happiness, I was trying to find a way to live, to be a part of the living world, to have a place in it. This is not easy for me, but through these months of writing and working my way through depression, anxiety, and fear that engulfed every area of my life, and, through diet, therapy, and lifestyle changes I have found my way into a clearing, I have been able to look around and see my life in a whole new way. I have been able to remember who I was. I have been able to see that the work that I was meant to do, that I had done for a very long time, was just waiting for me to return. I am now ready.

At 64 I have come to a place where with the whole of my life at my back I am now looking out to the years I have left, the great unknown territory. We none of us know how long we have, what our final destination might be, but we come to a point, at least I have, where I am no longer floundering in the past, trying to understand why I am as I am, trying to right wrongs, mucking about in guilt and despair over things I feel I did not do right. Opportunities have passed, many people are gone from my life never to return, windows and doors have closed and the proverbial ship has sailed in more ways than I can count. To live in the past is not only counterproductive it is damaging and steals the life we have left. Well into this 365 day experiment I realized that I needed to turn away from the past and toward the future.

But, given all of that, we mustn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. There were gems there too. We must be open to recovering the gifts that were there. We must acknowledge them and be open to using them now, at this point in our lives where that which was precious, and important, and the best part of who we were, we might once again embrace. We must be open to receiving these gifts into our life in a whole new way. I have done that now, and in doing so I am returning to the work of my heart.

It is the most sacred work that I have done in my lifetime. Providing a safe and sacred space for people to come together, to tenderly, and with great care, compassion, and gentle kindness guide and direct people to their heart’s deepest truth through writing, and to teach people how to use writing as a vehicle for healing and wholeness in their lives. I have done this for nearly 40 years. In the last couple of years when I have not been teaching I lost connection with my deepest self. As I return I am a little afraid even as I know that this is what I am meant to do, this is what I was born to do, and when I started the blog experiment 297 days ago I believe, now, that this is where I was headed. But this isn’t an ending, it is only a beginning.

There are 68 days left in this experiment. I cannot believe I am this close to the end. What I know is that beginning to teach again is just the tip of the iceberg. It is dipping my toe, somewhat timidly, into the water. I do not know what I will find here. We begin this Sunday night and the technology, a whole new way for me to teach, is daunting, and scary, but I am working hard to learn it and I have dear Suzanne here to help me. And what I know is this. Like when I started this blog experiment I knew that there would be days where I wouldn’t feel like writing, days when I wasn’t sure what to say, days where I doubted myself and even after I wrote the blog post and put it out into the world I felt shy and embarrassed, uncertain if I had done a good job, if it would be well received, if it would matter at all. I had no way of knowing any of that but I knew one thing for certain, the only thing that mattered was that I show up. Every single day come what may. Scared or not scared, uncertain, feeling lost, not really knowing what to do or say, but just showing up. And if I did, and I have, it would all add it, it would matter. And it has. So, too, I will show up on Sunday nights to teach my writing group, whether I am the only one there or 100 people show up, I will be there. The depth of my commitment is so strong I know that this is right. Afraid or not Sunday night I will be there.

And really what else is there? We come to a point in our lives where we choose to live or die. I am not talking about suicide, I am talking about dying to life, giving up on new possibilities, or growth, on making the most of who we are and what we have, today, in our lives. We may have limited means but we can maximize what we have. I seldom engage with the world outside of my home but I have created a rich and vibrant world here, I have a lot to give, and I am pushing the boundaries of who I have been for some years, and what I have been able to do. I am learning that there are new ways for me to live, I am making inroads into the world outside these 4 walls, even a little bit. And it is not always easy, and I am often afraid. Today, for example, I am going back to the library. I went 3 weeks ago and loved it. I have read several good books, but today I feel afraid and my impetus is to return all the books and not go back, not pick up the books I have on hold, but I will not allow myself to do that. I will go, I will pick up the books waiting for me, and in another 3 weeks I will go back. Every day we have a choice. Each day, once again, I choose life. Each day I show up. And I will continue to.

Today I sent out an email to the 17 women who are registered so far for The Sunday Night Writing Group. We have our first meeting this Sunday night. It will be a very gentle trial run as we ease into all of this together. I am afraid but I just have to do the work, show up, welcome people into the group, and teach what I have long taught. It reminds me, in this moment, of the wonderful Leonard Cohen quote about the light…

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”

I see a bit of light coming in through the cracks. I know, that if I continue on, more light will come through. I only have to show up. I will show up. I have already begun.

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

If you are interested in joining us on Sunday nights please send me an email to: TheSundayNightWritingGroup@gmail.com. I am going to be using a MailChimp list to send out information about the group and I must have your written permission to add you to the list. Simply say “Please add me to the list” and give me the email address you would like to use plus tell me why you would like to join the group. This extra step is a security measure. For more information about The Sunday Night Writing Group click on the link herein.