It has been coming. I have been thinking about this as the time approached…
My beloved Tanner pug came to me in May 2011. He was precious beyond words and of the 11 pugs I have adopted in the last dozen years he had a very distinctive personality and a very special place in my heart and home. And he, more than any other pug I have ever had, was terrified beyond all reason of fireworks. Occasional odd fireworks throughout the year set him off. The New Year’s fireworks were a nightmare, but nothing was more dreaded and dreadful than the 4th of July. He wasn’t just afraid, he went insane!
I have a doggie door here in my studio that opens onto a deck and out into a very large fenced backyard. The pugs love it but for the most part, and almost without exception, they would go out to potty and right back in. Some of them never even used it and would wait for me to go out with them which I do several times a day, but Tanner was in and out all day long, from morning till night. and even sometimes in the middle of the night he would go out, once in awhile I had to get up and get him in because he would start barking, but mostly he just went out to the potty I guess, came back in, jumped up and snuggled back in with us and went back to sleep. The night he died, April 6, when he went out at 10 I thought nothing of it, he just did that, but when, 20 minutes later, he had not come back in I went out to check on him he had gone out, down the stairs and just a few feet beyond the deck, laid down and died. It was one of the worst nights of my life, finding him like that. I will never get over it.
But on the 4th of July he would blast out through the doggie door and race so madly around the yard as soon as the fireworks started it was like he just went absolutely insane. I had to go outside and carry him in or he would run frantically until he would literally come in and collapse on the floor. It got so that not only did I have to keep the doggie door locked up so he couldn’t get out but the vet prescribed Xanax for him. It helped. In the last few years it was the only way we got through the times when fireworks were being set off, and the whole time, even with Xanax, he would be uneasy to mildly anxious and I would be a wreck just praying that the hours would go swiftly and it would all be over. I grew up loving fireworks. I have dreaded them, now, for years.
But this is a different time. Tanner is gone. Delilah and Pugsley don’t seem to notice, or if they do it doesn’t bother them. They snuggle close as they always do. I get them out to the potty and then we hunker down. But the thing is as much as I hated it, and dreaded it, I would go through it again in a heartbeat to have my Tanner back. He is gone forever now, and the fireworks will go on, as they always do, but this year they remind me that he is not here, and it breaks my heart. All of a sudden I am filled with a sweeping sadness, and choked up, and teary.
It is 8 now, it is getting dark, they will start soon. I’ve even thought I would like to find a way online to see a live fireworks display, one of the big ones, Macys, say, because I no longer have to worry about them upsetting my small boy. But, in the end, I would rather have him with me. Tonight, remembering cuddling him close, my heart is breaking. Maybe I will find some to watch — I haven’t had cable for over a year so I don’t have any tv to watch them that way — and maybe I won’t, but I’d rather have my boy with me, and it hurts that he is not here.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
By your side, in Spirit. Hugs, Marge
Thank you so much dear Marge. I hope you are having a wonderful 4th of July… 🙂
I am so sorry for your pain Maitri. Like Marge says, he is by your side but of course not being there so you can pet and love him is so hard 🙁
I am getting live notices on FB from different places showing fireworks. From different TV stations.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you Jean, I know my wee boy is with me in spirit, I just miss him here with me as I know you understand.
Yes I watched a live broadcast of the fireworks going on in the capital broadcast via PBS. I put the link on my FB page when it started. The one I wanted to see was on NBC and you could have watched it online if you had a cable provider but I don’t (And what would have been the point of that? If I had cable I’d have watched it on tv!). Right now I am just waiting for the local fireworks to stop. I don’t know where they are but they are so loud they have sounded like they were in my back yard! Pugsley and Delilah are doing fine but I haven’t wanted to take them out while the fireworks were still going on because they were so loud. I think they’ve just about stopped. I’ll get the babies out and curl up in our chair. I’m ready to get offline and read!
I hope you have had a lovely evening dearheart. I’m sending you a hug…
Yes this neighborhood has a lot of fireworks. I cannot figure out where they are coming from. Ours is an over 55 community so I know they aren’t setting them off.
We cannot get NBC either and I miss watching Kelly and Ryan and Ellen. Oh well.
Hope you enjoy reading. I will be doing the same.
Big hugs back to you.
Thanks honey, I’m glad the 4th is past, it was a rough night here, up until 3 with Delilah throwing up, terrible night, but thank goodness she is fine this morning. It is another day…
tom and i just watched PBS capital fourth. it was quite moving. the MC said at the beginning “we are one american family.” and scanning the crowd it was so poignant i teared up. old, young, black, white, every color, men, women, families,and some darn good music too…. renee fleming sang “You’ll never walk alone.” that song ALWAYS makes me cry!!!
My dear Maitri, times like this will come over you in a big wave, and it is right for them to do so. it is because your love was so great and the loss so big. we are all with you in your sadness, and in your indelible memories of tanner…
xo
ka
Thank you so much dear Katya, and I watched that exact same show, they had it live online. I don’t have cable tv anymore but they broadcast it on PBS online.
Yes these things come in waves, and then I was up almost until nearly 4 with a sick pug who thankfully seems fine this morning. I am so tired today. But it is a new day and on we go.
Just now I’m having coffee, I am moving slowly into the day, and I will do the things that need to be done, but first, coffee. Coffee first…
I love you honey, so much…
M. xoxox
Charlie and I have an antenna the reception isnt the best but we have it.
Charlie has also downloaded some of my favorite tv shows and movies on an external hard drive
not sure i am missing the cable so much yet but we just couldn’t afford it anymore.
I am not really into fireworks anymore people go to nuts around here on the lake .. so we stay indoor and make sure some drunk hasn’t burnt down our home …
I cant breath the air from fireworks anymore. anyway the 4th is almost over and tomorrow the 5 will be here and business back as usual here in the Ferry homestead 🙂
Petie didnt bark at all…. he pretty much slept through it all under my feet or next to me when we went to take our nap.
Julia, I don’t miss cable often, just sometimes. With Netflix and amazon I can see most things that I want and like last night I watched the live fireworks show at the capital on PBS. It was amazing. And no I can’t begin to afford cable anymore, I gave it up over a year ago.
Pugsley and Delilah did fine with the fireworks but Delilah got sick last night, throwing up a number of times. Thank God she is fine, eating well, just normal this morning. I am just sitting here quietly after a bad night, just sitting here. As you say it’s the 5th now, it’s a new day, and on we go. I pray that all is well and will remain so…
I too so feel your pain as it has not been all that long since Sadie May Sweetwater drown in my pool in November. I seem to relive this over and over and over again. It still is the first thing I think of when I awake in the morning and most often before I go to sleep at night. And I too will always remember finding her and trying to give her mouth to mouth screaming at the top of my lungs…No..No…No…No..No…..So I know how you feel about Tanner being gone and He also has not been gone that long, but time does not take the memory away ….It is alway there and I know how much you miss him because sadly I too miss my sweet Sadie…….and she hated the 4th of July I had to give her something to calm her down as well……Sorry that your are reliving all of the loss……..JIM
Thank you dear dear Jim, and I am so terribly sorry, so so sorry, about the way you lost your beautiful Sadie May, it was a terrible tragedy. I think we never get over something like that. I wish I could just hug you. Please know that I am holding you close in my heart, I feel your heartbreak and I am sitting with you quietly as we honor our lost babies. I believe they are with us in spirit, it’s the only thing that makes it bearable. I’m sending you so much love honey, so much…
Sending hugs! Tanner was such a character, wasn’t he. I’m glad Delilah and Pugsley don’t seem to mind the fireworks too much. xxx
Thanks Jenny honey, he was indeed a special boy. And the other babies did fine with them. And then Delilah was sick for hours but thankfully seems fine today. I hope you had a good 4th. I’m glad to see another day with everyone doing fine. It was a rough night…