This is a bad one. I haven’t had one this hard in awhile. I am overcome with a combination of fear and what feels, well, more like grief than anxiety, it’s hard to explain.
It is this bad, I took a pill this morning, a pill I don’t take anymore but have for emergencies. This morning I took the pill. This won’t happen often, but this morning I am having trouble holding on.
When I woke up early I felt anxious, couldn’t go back to sleep, got up and went outside with the dogs. Came in, fed them, cleaned out Canela’s papers, the darling elderly amazon parrot I am babysitting for my friend Noni. I made her breakfast and fed her. Made coffee, sat down here and just felt like I was going to lose it. The tears came. They won’t stop for some reason.
I reached out. I texted 3 people. One texted me back. Finally my daughter just did but she is out doing an important errand, I didn’t want her to know, I didn’t say anything, she will call me in a little while. People are busy and I don’t want to bother anyone.
I am scared. I am so scared.
Partly this is due to a fact that has a lot to do with being older and not having help easily when things go wrong and feeling very vulnerable and afraid. You see my very sweet neighbor across the street, a young man and his wife and baby, have been so good to me. He said I could call on him anytime. I have never called on him almost ever at all but he has come 3 or 4 times and helped me when I really needed help. But they are moving now, they will be gone the first week in July. He told me that even though he will be living across town I could still call him and he would be happy to come but I really don’t know him that well, it’s just that he was directly across the street from me, and often out in the yard. I don’t feel like I can call after they leave. And even though I didn’t call on him often just knowing that they were there has given me a great deal of comfort, has made me feel safe. This is hard to explain and may seem silly to those of you reading it but it has made me feel so lost and afraid.
It’s a strange thing about neighbors these days. When I grew up you knew all your neighbors, and everyone helped one another. It is not like that anymore. The neighbor who lives next door to me and has since I’ve lived here, well, they say hello when I see them but they have never offered to help me, nor would I ask. I don’t even know almost any neighbors here. But there was Rudy and his family, and they are leaving.
I can’t stop crying. It is hard to even see through the tears to write here.
[I just deleted long paragraphs where I said too much. My friend asked me if I should wait to publish this post but I already had. I came back and read it and I had said too much. It is now gone, sigh…]
Do you see? I am perseverating, going round and round in a wicked, terrifying, circle that feels like circling the drain and going down for the last time. It is being stuck in that “worst case scenario” place that can feel like it is holding you in a death grip and won’t let go. It is terrifying, it is making me sick, I can’t stop crying, I took the pill. I cannot and will not almost ever do that, but this morning I was desperate, and the thing is, it doesn’t even feel like it is helping.
I think that most of us, we who are older, and alone, fear, more than anything, to be a burden on those we love. I know that I do. When I actually reach out to someone I am in a very bad way, and it’s hard for me to do so. I don’t know what the answer is but I am only 64. I can’t imagine how afraid I will be when I am 74, 84, should I live that long. I cannot breathe even thinking about it. The friends that I have that are that age are married or partnered.
This was a hard post to write, embarrassing even, but the thing is, I know I am not alone in this. The plight of the elderly who are alone is a very real issue today. While our hearts are aching and breaking for the terrible situation with the children in the world today there are elderly people everywhere alone and afraid, many neglected and forgotten which I am not, thank God. I appreciate the fact that I do have a child who lives here, that I can call, but she can’t be with me all the time, she has her own family, and she works fulltime, and I don’t want to be a burden, I can’t be. What then do we do? Most days I manage just fine, but today I look out across the street to the sweet neighbors who have been kind to me and who will soon be gone, and I don’t know what I will do now, and fear has become a monster that is devouring me.
I am supposed to go the Stitch and Bitch meeting tomorrow. I actually signed up online as being one who said she is going, my knitting bag is beside me, but I can’t go if I can’t get a grip, I can’t go if I am crying, and in this moment I don’t know how to stop. This is one of the hard days. I’m just trying to hold on and inch through the hours.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Hearing that the neighbors who have been so kind to you are leaving is no doubt what triggered this nightmarish fear. they were people you could count on, and now they are gone. maybe someone really nice will move in, and you will take comfort in their being near to help out. that is worth setting your intention on, maitri. all of us, who read your blog, are here, each in our own way, to offer solace when the fear takes over. i suspect the reason your meds no longer work is because you have given them up, and they don’t have the power you depended on for so long. this is an existential crisis, the crisis of the human condition. this too WILL pass, the tears will stop, a flower will burst forth in your garden, your pugs will snuggle up to you, the music you listen to will soothe your soul, you’ll get back on your bicycle and work the pedals, and the sun will break thru. i know this to be true, and deep down, i think you do too.
in the meanwhile, weep not just for yourself, as you stated, but for all the loneliness, fear, insecurity, abandonment, and isolation of so many…. you are a writer, and that skill is the best pill you will ever find, maitri. So write on, write a story, write a memory, lift your consciousness to find the words. They are there for you.
xoxox
ka
Thank you so much sweet Katya, for being here, for all that you said, and thank you most of all for emailing me just as I uploaded the post to ask me if I should indeed publish it yet. It made me go back — alas it had already been published — and removed two long paragraphs that I should NOT have written, dealing with things that could have been hurtful to others I never want to hurt. The feeling of grief over those situations I will deal with for the rest of my life and have no power to change. I just have to deal with them. You saved me from myself and I am relieved to have removed those passages.
I am numb. I am sad and I am numb. Dealing with aging is something we all must do and it can surely be challenging but dealing with aging, and being alone, and separated from those we love, is a grief that runs deep. I don’t know how to make sense of it all, to deal with it. I am not dealing well, but having you here helps more than you will ever know. I wish I could hug you in person.
I love you dear Ka…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri, I’m so sorry these lovely people are moving away, you’ll miss them very much. How kind of the young man to say he’ll still be there for you if ever you need him, I’m sure he means it too. So many people are struggling with difficult things in their lives right now. Sometimes it helps just to step outside, go into the garden with your pugs, going out through the door may change your energy and help lift some of the grief and heaviness. We have to keep on keeping on, and be there for others when they need us. I’m thinking of you, sending you much love. xxx
Thank you Jenny honey, I appreciate that…
Dear Maitri, I would be crying too dear. I totally understand why you are crying. Your neighbor leaving has triggered a bunch of stuff for you and it is ok to cry and feel what you are feeling. Yes it is very hard to ask for help. No we don’t want to be a burden. On top of it all you have this social anxiety and some agoraphobia, so it makes it harder. I can relate. I wish I could help. You can email me if you need help or private message me and I am here to listen.
I hope you don’t beat yourself up for posting this. Or for crying. You are much braver than I am by being vulnerable here.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you dear Jean, it has been a really rough day but I am calming down now. I have been cooking keto food this afternoon, and Noni will be here soon to eat dinner with me. She can’t stay like she used to but it will be nice to have company for dinner. And I appreciate your kind words so much. Love you honey…
Perhaps the Present Maitri can introduce herself to the new neighbors, especially if they have dogs of their own, and agree to watch out for them and they will watch out for you. You don’t have to set that intention now, just keep it in the back of your mind for now. Cry the Mississippi today for it will water tomorrow’s harvest of good and joy-full things.
Like Jean, I’m a private message away on Messenger if you need to talk. I’m in a rather Stable and Serene place right now, and can lovingly hold space for and with you for your Sacred Composting process.
Thank you Victoria honey, I appreciate you being there so much, and I’m so happy, for you, that you are in a good place now. I hope you have a lovely weekend…
Fear the great enemy…
After the tears and you start to come back into balance…
You can begin to think about the door closing and the wondering what the new door will open …
Who will the new neighbors be? Should I welcome them with some flowers?
Slowly fear disappears and then the plans for tomorrow appear and choices.. should you go to the stitch and bitch meeting… You don’t have to share just create.. and listen. Bring a hankie and just be the wonderful self I know you can be. And who knows maybe answers will come from meeting new people and maybe answers will come from you for them in the future.
When I need to face fear I call on the women of my blood line:
I say:
I am Julia great granddaughter of Helen.
Granddaughter Of Veanetta.
Daughter of Patricia.
Mother Of Jennifer Sue.
I am Julia… I am strong because of the women before me they stand with me in my fears and I can now let go and let god cause I am Julia.
Maitri my love I believe in you always I know every moment you face struggles. I also know you face the struggles with grace and strength.
So now and anyone that would love to send Maitri love come with me and build her a cloud filled with loving energy from each of us and Maitri it is there when you need it and just let it rain over you… For you are loved … You are Maitri!
Oh Julia, what a beautiful thing you have written here, thank you so much honey. I will carry your beautiful words in my heart today. I am having coffee, I am planning to go to the group today but I am scared. I hope I can make it and make it through. Please hold me in your heart and prayers as I go…
Hugging you tight…
Maitri
Dear Maitri, Your post today strikes a real note with me. Not to get into a long story but I moved here to this city 15 years ago to be with someone I loved and then death took this person away from me. In moving here I left everyone behind all those many years ago. I did have a dear, dear friend but then I ended up taking care of him when he died from Lung Cancer. I depended on Joe as he always called every evening as we had an agreement that we would check up on each other each day. After his death I realized I have no one that I can say is a friend but like you I do have a wonderful neighbor across the street and they are wonderful but I don’t want to bother them. I guess I have somehow come to terms of being alone and wonder what is ahead at age 65 for me. As you know I have a real love in Italy, but that is not an easy relationship even at it’s best. So I guess what I am saying I am far from you but I am here for you as your friend as a shoulder as much as you will allow me to be so. I know most of your friend on Facebook and others are woman but I am a pretty good guy to have as a friend, if I say so my self. I am so sorry that lately the past few weeks have been hard for you but you Know….” Grey Sky’s are going to clear up”. I don’t take loneliness or being alone lightly not at all. I still think you are stronger than you think and your Light is Huge in the words youwrite in your blog each day and you touch so many. This makes me think of you:
To the Soul that is reading this….I know you’re tired, your fed up, your close to breaking, but there’s strength within you even when you feel weak…….Keep Fighting…….
Know I hold you up in prayer and consider you my friend.
Oh dear dear Jim, I treasure you and your friendship, more than you know. Thank you so much for being here, and being you and for all the kindnesses you have shown me. It has meant more than you could possibly know. And I’m sorry you feel so alone, this is so very hard. Do you have some connections where you have your new art studio? I’m hoping you find some there. I am so afraid about going to this group today but I know that I have to. I’m not sure how I’m going to manage it, but I will muddle through somehow. Hold a good thought for me, will you? I am surely holding one for you and hugging you close and sending you love. I am here for you too…
I didn’t know you were going through this. I’m.sorry you had another anxious day this day. I wish I could help you stop worrying about the future. I know you have a faith in God or something bigger than you out there in the universe. I get scared about some things too but I do remember that those of us with faith to lean on can trust that we will always be provided for. You are supported. Even if you can’t see it. The biggest truth about life that takes the pressure off…we don’t have to figure it all out ! God has that for us. All we have to do is live one day at a time, open our hearts to possiblity , put ourselves out there in whatever ways we can, and know the rest will take care of itself. When you future trip and feel scared , take a look at your history. Haven’t you always been ok? Even when you weren’t? I bet you’ll notice God’s hand in your life and how you’ve always had some sort of comfort in people who appear to help, offer love, support, friendship, even gifts. We always worry we won’t be ok but we always somehow are. You are so well loved supported and cared for. You have community. Maybe fabulous new neighbors will appear. You could maybe take them a welcome gift. I know people don’t do that anymore, but so what? I do it lol. Make it a trend!! Start a new fad. Bring back the neighborhood hehe. I think everyone sits in their houses all private thinking that they don’t want to bother their neighbor because no one wants to be bothered. We’re probably all sitting in our houses thinking the same damn thing. Everyone so worried about bring a bother that everyone keeps to themselves, when really probably many people would like to be neighborly. If only people weren’t sitting in their houses all assuming the same thing lol.
Thank you so much darling Bekah, for all that you’ve said here, and of course you’re right, and we’ve talked about this before. The thing is that anxiety, and the kind of fear that creeps in with it and can come in and nearly sink us, are not rational, and when they do in the crippling sort of way that people who suffer from chronic anxiety experience it all of the “things that you know are true” go right out the window. It’s like telling an agoraphobic person that you wish they would remember that it really is a safe world out there, that their fears are not justified, and that they should just get on with it and get out there. We both know that it doesn’t work like that. It would be nice if it would, surely, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. There are better days and harder days and we just keep striving to do the best that we can. And as to the neighbor situation I think that you are probably right in that a lot of neighbors might long to reach out, but might not want to be a bother, and how do we bridge that gap? I just don’t know. My neighbor across the street who has been so good to me moved in there the week of my fire, just days before the fire, in February 2014 and it was just last summer when I actually talked to him, and then just in the last few months when I really got the nerve to ask for help. And then this beautiful little neighborly thing developed and now they’re leaving. It has left me at a loss, but perhaps this time, depending on what it feels like with the new neighbor, I may reach out sooner. Ah, life, so complicated…