I have written this so many times, but I have to write it again, here, tonight, because it is the beginning of my story, my true story, and tonight I am seeing it through new eyes.
I was a very frightened little girl, a little girl who, due to scary things happening to her, escaped the world through the written world. I had secret hiding places outside, behind a huge old stand of overgrown forsythia bushes, where there was a hollowed out place in a hillock. There I escaped with my little red spiral notebook and Bic pen and I wrote. I wrote stories and poems and secret diary entries trying to make sense of a world in which I did not feel safe, a world where terrifying things were visited upon me, a world where the only safety I knew was with my notebook, and my books, and my dog. I am 64 now, and not much has changed, except for the fact that, being so cut off from the world I have created a world online, on this blog, on social media, through email, and, involved more and more in these mediums I fell away from writing stories, even, almost without exception, reading books, save non-fiction, books on writing, art, spirituality, no novels, no stories, no literature, that which I had loved above all else. And the loss cut so much deeper than I had known.
I have been blogging since 1998, before blogging was really “a thing.” I have had a dozen or more blogs but this one, Maitri’s Heart, is nearly 11 years old, started in September 2007, and now, with nearly 2 million visits to the site, the most dedicated blogging I have done. And I love it, it is so deeply a part of me I don’t see ever stopping it as long as I’m able, and, in doing this 365 day blog experiment where I have written daily for more than 3/4 of a year I realize that, far beyond the end of this experiment, I want to keep blogging daily. It is a daily spiritual practice for me. I am dedicated to it, but it’s not enough anymore. That little girl with the red spiral notebook is calling out to me.
I know, absolutely, that one of the reasons this has happened is because of my dear friend Katya, my mentor, muse, teacher, and dear friend of nearly 40 years, invited me to write stories with her. I was very shy about it at first, Katya, Ka, is an incredible writer and storyteller, but she has encouraged me and with deep delight we have been writing and sending stories back and forth to one another with a kind of passion, joy, and delight the likes of which I have not known for some time. Some of the stories are pure fiction, some an amalgamation of real life + fiction. Oh, I cannot tell you how my heart has soared. And these 700 word stories — and they must be 700 words precisely! — provides a container in which something very potent is written. Katya has the 700 word story down to a fine art. I have struggled, writing stories that ended up being 1200 words or more and having to edit them down to 700 words on the nose. What a challenge! What a delight! I love them. And in writing them there is an awakening in me. The little girl in me that wrote stories to stay alive is saying, “See, you have been lost in depression and anxiety because you have not been living your true life. You wrote stories once to save your life, and your life needs saving again. It’s time to open up your notebook and write your stories.”
And reading… Oh… reading, reading, reading. Reading real books, and I am being swept away listening to audiobooks. Recently I sat breathless for days listening to Rosamunde Pilcher’s The Shell Seekers, a book that I read in the 80’s and fell so in love with I have never forgotten it, one of my favorite novels ever. It is a 20 hour audiobook and goodness how I loved listening to it. I am currently listening to another audiobook, The Lake House by Kate Morton and I listened for hours last night until bedtime and off and on all day, on my way to and from therapy, around town as I did errands, and this evening after I got home. Another 20 hour audiobook. But I want to read real hard copies of books by these authors, and so many others. I have decided to follow Katya’s lead on another front. I am going to go back to the library.
When I was young my favorite place in the world was the library. I was a lonely, only child, shy, never quite fitting in anywhere, but absolutely at home in the world that books provided for me. All throughout my life, while raising my children, and until well into my 40’s, I would cart bags and boxes full of books home. But after my marriage ended and I left the outside world I stopped going to the library. I bought as many books as I could online, and amazon is a great resource for buying used books very inexpensively, but still, when you can buy a book for less than $1 but have to pay $4 shipping it is still too expensive to buy many books if you are on an extremely limited income. It was okay when I wasn’t reading much BUT NOW I WANT TO READ EVERYTHING!!! The list of books that I want to read that I keep adding to is growing and growing and growing. I did go to the library a year or so ago. I was very nervous and had a very hard time making myself go back to return them, there isn’t one close to my house, but now my hunger for books is greater than my fear of getting myself there! And you can keep them for 3 weeks. Surely I can make it out to the library every three weeks! By this weekend I will have gone and carted home a bag full of books. I am so excited!
And I have to share something with you. Yesterday I wrote about changing Circadian Rhythms, and my new plan of not watching news anymore in the evening. I wrote that I had been waking up around 6 or so unable to go back to sleep. I figured that was the best I could do. Well, last night was the first night I didn’t try to watch any news at all. All evening I listened to my audiobook, The Lake House. I did so while spinning yarn, while drawing and making art, and finally, as it got later and I was getting tired, I just listened, until almost 11. And then I turned out the light and went to sleep. I woke once, at 4:30, to go to the bathroom. It took me 45 minutes to get back to sleep and after a bit, as it got past 5, I was afraid I wouldn’t go back to sleep at all, but before 5:30 I was asleep and I slept until 8:30! That is nothing short of a miracle for me. And I even dozed for a bit after that and got up a little after 9. I absolutely could not believe it. No news, a good book, and a good night’s sleep. I think I’m onto something. Today my therapist agreed.
I was a little girl saved by writing stories. I am now a 64 year old woman who has returned to stories, both writing them and reading them, and it has wrought a miracle in my life. Miracles abound! Katya is about to publish another chapbook of her stories. Maybe one day I will self-publish some of mine. For now I am just writing them for the joy of it, and I am reading stories for the same reason, and I have a hunger for books that cannot be quenched, and the library will become my favorite place once again.
Oh gracious, parts of me that I thought were lost forever are coming back to life. I am absolutely over the moon. I now absolutely believe that anything, everything, is possible. What can you bring back into your life? What dreams can you resurrect? And oh my God isn’t it time? We cannot let another moment pass before we recover those pieces of our lost heart. We may live to 100 or die tomorrow but lets live as fully as we can while we are alive. By God I’m going to, and you should too.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Libraries are good places, that’s for sure, and as someone who hasn’t watched video news for decades, I totally understand the plus of not watching news before bed.
I’m tied to the NYT online and NPR, and now am trying to listen to CBC radio in equal measure, but video — I’m quite sure that is not a good thing in the current news cycles (although that’s not why I stopped watching years ago — it didn’t interest me anymore, after Larry King left, and CNN became boring).
Reading is always good; I dragged my gardening and cooking magazines that I’d brought with me here to Quebec into the house today, along with a gardening book that I wanted to read. I’m WAY behind on reading, too.
Dear Lisa,
Yes, I am looking forward to going back to the library. I will probably be going Monday because it looks like I am tied up until then. And you know I’m not sure what you mean by “Video News?” I watched MSNBC on cable tv when I had it — I discontinued it over a year ago, it just got too expensive — but now watch it, when I do, on my phone. The site that I watch it through is free and I can see CNN (Which I never really watch but did the weekend Anthony Bourdain died because of all the specials about him on there.) And I don’t know what CBC is? I tell you what I might start doing. I used to always get The Sunday New York Times, it was a real treat, and I would read it all week long. I especially loved The Book Review that comes in the Sunday Times. I might go back to getting that.
Glad you have some good reading material with you in Quebec, hope you find time to catch up! 🙂
“Recover those pieces of our lost heart…” what a beautiful phrase… can a heart ever be lost, or is it just hidden away? nothing makes me happier than imagining you going to your public library and seeing WOW a zillion books, wandering around the new book section, into the library gift shop if there is one (books for one dollar at ours), wandering the shelves to see what pops up or falls at your feet. a 700 word story waiting to be written, about a woman who returns to the library and to herself! by the way, a story can be 700 words or less, but not more. you could write one with only
697 words and that would be fine. i personally love hitting it on the nose, but that isn’t a requirement, only that it not EXCEED 700 words.
and the next two noun story, folks, is MEMORY BOOK… what tantalizing words will emerge from that? we’ll find out!!!
In the beginning was the word, and the word was made flesh… in us, maitri
and all who pick up a pen and write
xo
ka
Ka, do you have a web site or a place where we can read some of your stories? I am very interested.
Thank you, Jean
jean – my stories are not at this time available on my website. my blog is, which (smile) is the ongoing story of my “real” life! i will think about making some of my stories available. i have dreams, one day, of publishing a large volume of my 700 word stories… that would be a delight.
mywebsite: creativeartsandhealing.com
katya
Yes darling Ka, I am looking forward to going back to the library. I think I will make Monday a library day because it’s usually a free day for me, free from other outside errands I mean. I always looked at a trip to the library as a real adventure, as I will again I’m sure. And yes, those pieces of our lost heart, I think they get submerged under layers and layers life piles on as we go along. It can feel like a real archaeological dig to find some of them but worth the digging!
And I didn’t know the stories could be less than the 700 words but I, like you, find it exciting to hit 700 words on the nose! A challenge! I know you are working on your chapbook right now. Can’t wait to see it! 🙂
Love you honey,
M. xoxox
yes, i go back to read your comments. you know i am a glutton for dialogue!!!
jean’s idea of looking for some of my stories on-line gets me to thinking. my husband has been urging me to do that for years, but i have some sort of hope that one day i can publish a book of those tales, for purchase. there’s probably a way to do both!
can’t wait to hear about your first day back at the library!!!
Katya,
I’m so glad that you are considering a book of your stories. I’d buy one! You know I’ve told you again and again that I would love to read a book of your stories, they are treasures!
I am looking forward to going to the library, probably on Monday. Right now I am hunting around in the house to find bits and bobs of my fiber life, little bits of this or that that survived to try to figure out what to take to the Stitch and Bitch meetup group that meets at a local yarn shop downtown in the historic district every Sunday at 2. I wrote to the owner to see if I would be a fit, She said they have people from 16 to 85 that come! And you can do any kind of fiber work. I am feeling painfully shy but like it is important for me to go. When I get past this hurdle I will tackle a trip out to the library!
Onwards and upwards! 🙂
M. xoxox
Oooh the LIBRARY, one of my most favorite places in the whole world!!! Although I like the main library downtown, we moved ACROSS THE STREET from a branch! I could see myself driving to the library and browsing whenever I wanted but I haven’t started back driving yet. Soon I will, I hope.
Sometimes I just checked out books and although I didn’t finish them I just enjoyed checking them out.
Maitri, check with your library to see if they have a way for you to download audio books and borrow ebooks. Mine uses Hoopladigital. I also get emails from my library letting me know when books are due back and I can renew them online! I also can read magazines from my library online and I love it.
What fun for you to start reading again. I read both e-books and hardback copies. But when I get hardbacks I need to get large print fiction at least.
I’m looking forward to reading more about your library experiences and hope you feel more comfortable next time you go.
Big Hugs, Jean
Jean, I hope you can get to your library too. Can your husband drive you if you can’t drive?
And yes, last year when I did go to the library once I was shown that they have a big digital section but I found it very confusing as to how I was supposed to use it so never did. I will have to figure it out. I know the librarians are very helpful, I just didn’t take the time. And yes I renewed the books once or twice to avoid having to go out to take them back, sigh, but of course finally did, but had such a hard time getting them back I didn’t take anymore out. I’m hoping to go on Monday and see what’s what. I’ll keep you posted! 🙂
Hugs to you too honey, and I’ll let Katya know that you asked her a question here. I always answer her comments here but I’m not sure she ever comes back to read them!
Maitri
Maitri darling, Divine coincidence!! After I dug up my library card, I began requesting books. They are all in, and my husband is picking them up tomorrow. Next will be books on Keto!! Plus, today I found some pink yarn in a tote, and I am knitting my first “pussyhat”!!
xoxo Trece
Trece I’ll swear we are twins in so many ways! Glad you are finding your way back to the library too! Enjoy! 🙂