This is not a depressing post. It is a post about a change in perspective.
This is a summer of beginning old things again in new ways. Gardening, writing stories with a friend, picking up my fiber art once more. In the last 24 hours I have experienced a shift, some sadness, some tears, a little fear, and an awakening. I have answered dear ones today who wrote comments in after yesterday’s blog post about returning to my fiber work as well as having answered private emails from friends around the globe. What came up for me over and over again was the certain knowledge that the only way I was going to succeed with any of this is to let go of all of the old ideas about how I did these things before.
I will never be able to create the gardens I once did, big, elaborate gardens with lots of garden art everywhere, a towering Magic Ship in one corner and countless people who came and said it looked like it had come out of a Dr. Seuss book. It was grand and glorious and lots of fun, but that garden is gone, the ship was destroyed by a falling tree the week after the fire, the garden art all carted off when the house was up for sale because the garden had mostly died out due to fire damage, and damage from being trampled by firemen and construction workers who rebuilt the house and plain old neglect. But there is more. Due to the kind donations of a couple of people I got a garden in pots going on my deck. I have recently planted the old green gated garden area with thousands of seeds, things are coming up, and, I don’t know how to say this, I am grateful, deeply grateful, but my heart is not in it. I am doing it, I have tried, but I am so overwhelmed by it all, and the hot weather is here, temperatures can hover around 100 degrees with 100 percent humidity for months on end, the mosquitoes are so fierce and come in such clouds here I come in all bitten up just to be outside for a few minutes to get the dogs out, and I just can’t bear it. I am getting out to water the things in pots but half way through June I am already barely going outside.
I love gardens, and I have loved gardening, and I think I have been struggling with the memories of what this garden had once been and the terrible sense of loss over what it had been is keeping me from enjoying what is. And the hot weather, something I never liked, I can barely bear now. I am trying to find my way with this.
Writing stories, or any kind of writing at all, was never something I did for the fun of it. I wrote to publish, and though I wrote several books that never ended up getting published I did publish a lot in magazines, newspapers, anthologies, and small presses. I always wrote with a goal in mind, and while I enjoyed it, writing is my deepest soul work, there is an inner imperative, it is something I must do, I never did it purely for pleasure. Writing the 700 word stories that my dear friend Katya and I are now doing, sending them back and forth to each other, is such a delight I am in awe of the whole process. It is an interesting thing, this business of doing a thing for pleasure vs. doing it for monetary reward. I could dearly use additional income, there is no doubt about that, but at this point it is a complicated issue as I have written about elsewhere. When you take the pressure of “If I do this I can make $xxx…” and do it for the sheer joy of it it does something to you. For me, right now, I don’t have a choice, but it is eye-opening, this creating for the joy of it.
And then there is the fiber art. I wrote yesterday that I was uncertain, and even afraid, about beginning again. I did some spinning last night and then overnight fears came up. I woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, I tried for some long time and couldn’t and got more and more anxious, afraid, and teary. What was I doing, opening up this can of worms? And then a couple of dear souls wrote in, one saying she would like to see the kind of fiber art I made, and another one saying she would like to buy some of the yarn I would make. Oh no, I thought. No. For me it throws me into a place of thinking about what I once did, what I used to do. And, like the garden, I cannot do and be what I once was. It isn’t in me anymore. I am older, with fewer resources, I have been through a few very hard years, and there is no going back to the way things used to be in any area of my life. And I realized in that moment that that was what was wrong. Everything I have been trying to do today I have held up to the way things used to be. And they will never be what they used to be again. And that’s okay. And if, when, I stop trying to measure the value of what I do today with the way I used to do it, then and only then can I accept what is, the way it is, now.
And then I realized for the first time that this is all about “Ageing Gracefully.” And what is ageing gracefully? It is a series of letting go of things that we have held onto because of what they once meant to us, and this is scary, and sometimes sad, and often heartbreaking. But until we do let go of those things that once were we can never be happy and at peace today. Ageing gracefully is about making the most of the life we do have, today, in this moment. Not how it used to be, but what it can be today. It was huge to realize how very hard I was holding onto all the “used to be’s.” And I think part of me has lived in a state of longing and dreaming for some magic to come along that would make things the way they were before the fire. And that is not ever going to happen. It can’t, and further, it shouldn’t. The life I had before the fire died in the flames that night. And the life that I’m meant to have now, today, is in my hands to create. And having a small garden in pots, writing stories with a friend, and doing a little fiber work are all things that are laying the foundation for my future life. I have no clue what bits and parts and pieces of these things will move forward into something more, something maybe even income producing, but building a new life starts with letting go of the past. It is as though today I turned around and looked back over my 64 years, I shed a tear, I felt the sadness well up and over and out, and I turned around and faced the other direction. It is time to make a new life.
Ageing gracefully is not about living a diminished life, it is not something “less than,” it is, as I think about it, a life of more, because when we are younger we can be involved in so many things, too many things, that we never really get to the marrow and go deep with the things in our lives. As we get older we must needs let go of all of the too-muchness of youth and in doing so we are able to go much deeper with the things that we do do. I think we can go deeper in our relationships with other people as well. I am finding amazing new things opening up for me now, and while I am nervous, I am finding myself more willing than I heretofore imagined that I might be. It is eye-opening. It is, in fact, a revelation.
Yesterday I signed up online for a meet-up group, a “Stitch and Bitch” group that meets at a yarn shop downtown on Sundays at 2:00. I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure that I will go, but I wrote the director of the meetup group, who is the owner of the yarn shop, asking her if I would be a good fit for the group. I even shared yesterday’s post. Being self-taught, not following patterns, just beginning again, well, I wasn’t sure I would be a good fit, and in the pictures all the women look so young. It’s not that I mind their age but in the last dozen years or so I have gotten up the nerve to attend a couple of different kinds of groups and honestly everyone was so young and in such a different place and I truly did not fit at all so that I was deeply uncomfortable and didn’t go back. I don’t want to go through that again. But I did make a little step in that direction. We shall see.
Today I did spin a little more. I am spinning without a destination in mind, or rather my only destination is to fill this one spindle with yarn. I don’t have to know any more than that. Tomorrow, who knows? But I see this as a period of letting go of things as well as taking new things on. It is a transformative time. In this moment, feeling more courageous than I did when I got up this morning, I am looking forward to what tomorrow may bring. That’s a start. I’ll go on from here.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
As we age we decide to focus on the things near and dear to us. Take the time you need to do what gives you joy. That may be a gift from before or dipping your toes in new adventures. G-d be with you in all your endeavors.
Thank you so much dear Lauren, and yes, ageing is challenging, it can be hard, it is also filled with gifts if we have eyes to see. I am sending you love and wishing you well in all your endeavors too honey. Bless you…
Your best post EVER! Do you see that the struggle was the ground work for your bursting forth today!!!???!!!
Doing a happy dance 🙂
Oh Alice you are so kind honey, thank you so much. And I’m sending you a great big hug! 🙂
What a beautiful post, and what a lovely vision: “… having a small garden in pots, writing stories with a friend, and doing a little fiber work are all things that are laying the foundation for my future life”. Enjoy your new fiber work, it’s unique and very special, just like you! xxx
Thank you Jenny honey, you are very kind… 🙂
In terms of aging, i’ll never forget being at my parent’s for a gathering, and an old friend of Mom’s asked how old I was, and i said 49, soon I’ll be –eek – 50. And she looked at me and said, “Try thinking about turning 80.” That gave me some perspective. That woman, and both my parents, are long dead. And here I am now, on my next birthday I will be 75. But, oddly, I DON”T FEEL OLD. I feel just like “Me.” Me, the person who loves to garden, dance, write, encourage others to write. I don’t feel invisible or even past my prime, whatever that means. I know it is a blessing to feel this way, because I could choose to feel differently, to feel “Oh my god, time is running out, help help help!” So, Maitri, I applaud that this time in your life, you are choosing to do things for JOY, because you WANT to do them. You don’t want a big garden, it’s too damn hot, then have a small potted garden. Wind that yarn on a spindle and see what happens next. Write a story about a character who is facing her own dilemmas and joys. Get on that bicycle and pedal pedal pedal! And keep up with this amazing blog. My goodness, what you have written about in less than a year, is a novel unto itself!!! And you haven’t faltered, thru hell or high water. You’ve showed up, and you’ve shared your truth, your life, your fears and happinesses, encouraging others to live their best lives…. Yay you!!!
xo
ka
Oh dear dear Katya…
First of all, thank you so much for all the kind things that you said about my writing and this journey I’ve been on. It has, indeed, been something, and I’m proud of myself for having stayed the course, no matter what, and of course I shall continue on, less than 100 days now. Imagine that!
But MOST of all I want to tell you that you are SO amazing. You do more at 74 than a lot of women I know do in their 30’s! It is incredible watching you not only age with grace but with verve, and vim, and vigor! To write, to dance, to garden, to still be working with the inmates and friends of all ages, you are so amazing, and you inspire me to keep opening up in age to more and more all the time as you do, to revel in it all. You have always been a teacher, a mentor and a muse for me, and the very dearest of friends, and now my partner in stories! What fun we are having! I’m going to work on my new one tonight!
Keep on keeping on Mama! I am watching you, I will follow your lead….
Love,
M. xoxox
Love this, Katya — thanks. Maitri is a blessing.
Aging gracefully….I am a year older than you, Maitri. I do like your definition of this phenomenon. What a process! My mind says one thing, my body says another, and then there are the “self help” books that tell me something else. I like what your friend Katya says above: yay that you are doing what you are, and yay for inspiring some of us, and yay for the fact that we are all still here! Keep dancing!!
Dear Lorraine, it is a process indeed! And self-help books? For the most part I avoid them like the plague. Give me stories of real women who write about their real, inspiring lives! That’s what I like to read! And Katya is amazing, and so are you, and so are all the women here. We need to keep inspiring one another, and dancing, yes, dancing, let’s dance our way through the years! It beats sitting in a rocker on the front porch and watching the world go by, right? (Not that there’s anything wrong with sitting in a rocker on the front porch either!).
Goodness, I am so inspired by all of you…
Of course, you’re right, it’s all about aging gracefully in whatever fashion that takes.
But embracing the joy in the future ahead, and adjusting to changes both physical and due to circumstance, there’s where your spirit excels and inspires. And we all need to keep moving, and dancing, and gardening, in whatever fashion that takes.
Water your pots early or late, and know that fall will bring more gardening time. Summer weather is brutal along the Carolina coast. — it’s time for staying inside, a gardener friend in Charleston said. Fall, winter, and spring are the times to be out.
I tip-toed back into art a couple of years ago, but then had hand issues, but every once in awhile think about it — it’s the more physical things that challenge me. Gardening in a heavy way here (not what I teach people to do), trying to help shape an overgrown garden, has had my body complaining on all fronts, from hands to back to knees. Hmm, this is not what I call “fun” gardening. Pruning and weeding are not my favorite activities. Happily, Tim is sturdier than me and is happily transplanting plants, digging, etc. But we’ll have someone come over to mow the lawn and do a bit of weed-whacking, that’s for sure.
Yes Lisa summer here is brutal. It must be much nicer where you are now! I water in the evening after I feed the dogs at 6:30, I just don’t move fast in the morning, sit down here with coffee between 9 and 10 and by the time I’ve had my coffee and done all the morning computer things (Because it’s the way my brain operates best) it’s noontime and way too hot. Fall will be nicer for sure.
You and Tim just amaze me, but be careful not to overdo! And what kind of art were you doing honey? I seem to remember that, but it escapes me now. If you can do what you’re doing in the garden I would think you could manage some art! Maybe come winter when there are no garden chores you’ll get back to it. To everything there is a season… 🙂
Good for you to see the Comparison Monster in action, and to stop it in its tracks! Comparing yourself Now to Then can be even more brutal than comparing yourself to others, and that is a guaranteed way to stay stuck in the past!
Though you might only now be physically spinning with a small piece of fiber art, you have, in fact, been weaving again these past 268 days…weaving a new life, with new threads, some from familiar sources, others from completely new experiences. You are creating a beautiful new tapestry for yourself, and it will be the first of an ongoing series, year to year. 🙂
Sweet Victoria, thank you, I have to remember that, “the Comparison Monster,” a wicked monster indeed!
And you know I have felt for some time, though I can’t see it yet, that something important was going to happen for me as a result of this 365 day journey. Maybe it won’t be something other people can see, but it’s happening inside me. I don’t think I will be able to see it clearly until the 365 days are done, so I just keep showing up each day and do my best. And you are so right, it is like weaving a tapestry, which is of course a long slow process. Thank you for reminding me of this. I hope things are going well in your world. I think of you so often…