Day 2. Trying to manage with this old laptop until the situation with my desktop is resolved one way or another. Last night as I tried to answer people who had commented on yesterday’s post I had to keep rebooting it because the mouse would freeze and I would lose everything that I had just written. Right now I write a little and “Save.” Save, save, save.
And then the sound is weird. There is a short podcast I listen to in the morning. I could hear it just fine. But the woman I follow for the ketogenic diet that does a “Morning Snippet” each morning (It’s a YouTube video) I could not hear at all, on Patreon or YouTube. I tried all day yesterday, checked all the sound settings which all look fine, but could not hear it. This morning I was able to hear her Morning Snippet just fine but we have an hour long Livestream every Friday at 11 which I look forward to (And this is something I pay for via Patreon) and I could see it but not hear it at all. I checked all the sound settings, restarted the page, rebooted the laptop and finally gave up. This old laptop is affording me some connectivity for which I’m grateful but it is old and it has issues and I cannot rely on it longterm. I will have to see what happens today. I have someone coming to look at the desktop. Could be Malware, could be the hard drive just giving out, could be who knows what? All I know is that my nerves are shot. When you depend so completely on a computer and you don’t have the funds to just run out and buy a new one if the old one is not fixable what are you supposed to do?
I am not in a frame of mind to write meaningful blog posts right now and I’m sorry. I’m scared and fear does not support creativity. And for me are the issues around realizing that my life is so dependent on having a computer and getting online, and being without it is so completely unnerving and terrifying it makes me worried. For some people this would be a nuisance, an inconvenience, something they surely don’t want to happen, for me it was like the bottom fell out.
And then real life comes along and wakes you up. I was just talking to a dear friend who told me a horrifying, heartbreaking story. A family that he knows was sitting with their children a week ago and horsing around a little girl, a tiny girl, jerked her 6 year old brother off the couch. He hit his forehead on the coffee table. They are burying him today. I broke down in tears. And I’m worried about my computer?
And the thing is of course there is no comparison. That family’s tragedy is unfathomable, I am shaken to the core just hearing about, I am praying for them, I have cried over it. And then a little time goes by and I am afraid and crying over my damned computer again. And I am ashamed. But in my uncertain world where my computer and getting online each day is the life raft that keeps me afloat this is scary business indeed. I don’t begin to compare one thing to another, this inconvenience isn’t even in the ballpark with the terrible tragedy of losing a child, I am embarrassed to even mention it, but the point is twofold. One, no matter what kind of problem you think you have it is likely nothing in the grand scheme of things, but number two, sadly, when it’s your problem it can loom terribly large for you in your life. So I am embarrassed, and sad, and ashamed to admit that this computer issue is paralyzing for me. I am praying for that family, and I am praying for me. No comparison, and with the absolute knowledge of which is the more important issue, but dealing with my own just the same. And this is life, both things.
There is something here I am supposed to learn. The week started out Monday night with the fiasco at my friend’s restaurant, being stopped by the police, and being so afraid I didn’t know how I would ever go out again. I’m not talking about the appointments and errands I have to attend to to keep the wheels of my life moving, but things beyond my normal sphere. Fun things, getting out into the world and connecting with other people, enlarging my life things. I shrank back in on myself to my world online for safety and then the bottom fell out on that. Unable to get online yesterday I completely fell to pieces. Finally whether I go out or stay in life is going to happen, and keep on happening, and things will happen to us and people that we know and love that may be beyond hard. We have to find safety inside ourself, a way to be okay no matter what. I don’t do that very well but I am damned well going to have to learn how.
Soon George will be here to check the desktop. My friend Jeff has a computer tech that works for him that he said would come out later if George can’t figure it out. One way or another the computer issue will be resolved. I am holding my breath until it does. And I am going to my daughter Rachel’s house tonight to watch a movie. The hours tick by. Life goes on.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Yes, there is a lesson here to learn. And another lesson is just how damn strong and capable you are. What you have survived since i’ve known you could fill a book, and you always pop back up, and continue on with your life’s purpose, which is helping others while helping yourself, writing, being creative, gardening, taking care of your body temple, and your precious mind. I want you to look in the mirror and say without hesitation “I LOVE YOU, YOU AMAZING WOMAN!”
Yes, this crisis will pass, and life will go on, and the blog will go on, and the sun will come up and go down, and you’ll still be Maitri, living her unique, joyous, scary, fulfilling, life.
And we’ll still be cheering you on, as you cheer us on.
xo
ka
Thank you so much dear Katya. I try. I fall down, get up, and try again. What else is there? We can’t give up on ourselves even though sometimes we don’t know how we will carry on. We just keep trying. And I have been able to survive because of the tremendous love and support of my family and friends, and you are right up there at the top of that list of friends, you have been in my life for so long and in so many ways. Thank you dearheart, thank you now, and always. I love you dearly…
M. xoxox
I was just going to say the same as Ka, you’re amazingly strong! Sending lots of hugs and crossing my fingers that one of your computer techs can help sort this out. xxx You’re great you know, even in the midst of all this, you’re choosing little graphics to go with your blog posts for us!
Thank you so much Jenny honey and oh Lordy I am so grateful that I can at least get my blog posts up with this laptop. That was the thing I was worried about the most. So far neither of the techs has shown up and one was supposed to be here before now. It’s making me nervous. Ah well, what can I do? Nothing but wait. The blog post is up, I just cleaned up my kitchen, if nobody shows up today I will go to Rachel’s this evening to watch a movie and keep bumbling along on this laptop. And I’m glad you liked the graphic. Looks pretty much like me today! 😀
A metaphor: instead of living in a tiny shot glass, you’re waking up and realizing you now live in a big coffee mug. Yes, you’re still in a safe container to navigate through life, but that container has much more wiggle room for you to play with.
Perhaps you’re being invited to look at all of the “extra space” in your life…what more is there to heaven and earth than has been previously dreamt of in your philosophy? (to use Shakespeare’s words) To find the lesson, flip the story; what is life doing FOR you instead of TO you?
Is this growth comfortable? Hell no – but if it were, would it truly be growth?
Sending soothing salve to help with the ouchie parts in the meantime. 🙂
Ah thank you dear Victoria and I can use some of that salve tonight! I have been at it with computer techs all day, my computer had to be wiped cleaned, everything has to be reinstalled, it will probably be days before everything is up and running again as it should but I’m on the road to getting it all fixed. PHEW what a day!
I appreciate the pep talk, I needed it! Onwards and upwards!
Dear Maitri,
I just wish you would stop being embarrassed and ashamed. I know saying that won’t make it happen but oh we all fall apart at something. You are ok even if you do fall apart or feel like you do. No there is no comparison and it only makes us feel worse when we hear of worse things happening to others.
Isn’t it ironic though how you had that setback going out and now you are having this setback with your computer that connects you to the world. No this is no fun. Not at all but as others have said here you have pulled yourself up and moved on anyhow. Look how far you have come.
Anyhow I sure hope your computer person/s figure out what happened and can fix it easily. I will hold that thought and call in all the technical angels for you. Also you do that too, call them in.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you Jean, after a day with computer techs (and more in the days to come and lots of reinstalling and more) everything is on the road to recovery but it has been a long road indeed. I will write about more tomorrow but it’s nigh on 11 pm and I’m quitting for the night. Much love to you and thank you for calling in the angels. I’m sure they have been here helping all along but it’s been a LONG day of it….
Maitri, you’re always an inspiration as Katya wrote – it’s not just about your willingness to express your vulnerabilities and admitting to being scared, but about your bravery, too, among many things that have been challenges. We all have different circumstances, but how remarkable that you’re writing about what this week might be about teaching you.
Thank you Lisa honey, I appreciate that, it’s been a long week. I am getting ready for bed now but I appreciate you stopping in. I’m sending you a big hug. Hope all is going well for you in your charming new home…
Hugs…
Perspective.
Indeed.