I have been up since before 9 and it is now almost 2. I have been wanting to get this blog post written for hours but the rain — and wow, it rained so hard you couldn’t see through it — kept me in a kind of mesmerized, sleepy state. It is thundering loudly and beginning to rain again now. The pugs are snuggled in close, sleepy little beans, and even Vincent the Beta fish seems still in his watery world.
I spent hours reading things online, good things, starting with Krista Tippett’s On Being website jumping from story to story from today’s email and finally coming to the most wonderful article by Parker J. Palmer which mentioned his new book due out next month, On The Brink Of Everything: Grace, Gravity and Getting Old. It included a link to a sample chapter which was absolutely wonderful. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Click the title to go to the sample chapter. It is a poetic treatise on aging, profound, and beautiful. He writes…
“Age brings diminishments, but more than a few come
with benefits. I’ve lost the capacity for multitasking, but
I’ve rediscovered the joy of doing one thing at a time.
My thinking has slowed a bit, but experience has made it
deeper and richer. I’m done with big and complex projects,
but more aware of the loveliness of simple things: a talk
with a friend, a walk in the woods, sunsets and sunrises, a
night of good sleep.”
Palmer will be just shy of 80 when the book, his 10th, comes out next month, and what I thought when I read his words above is that this is wisdom for all of us at any age. We are all too often multitasking and racing willy nilly toward the next deadline trying to get so many things done. What if we slow down and rediscover “the joy of doing one thing at a time.” How much richer our lives might be.
This life of mine is a slow, quiet life, and though I can be guilty of multitasking my life is mostly a contemplative life of silence and solitude. It has been so for nearly twenty years, next year on my 65th birthday it will be 20 years since I left my marriage, and despite somewhat desperate attempts to make it in the outside world I was thrown back in on myself over and over until I retreated entirely, leaving the house only when it was absolutely essential and then not easily or often. That is still my life today and though I have glimpses of another kind of life, like seeing the garden on the street when I went to the clinic, I quickly withdraw to the safety of my world here. I doubt that I will ever knock on that door, even though the picture of that curbside garden is the desktop image on my computer. Something in me has already become afraid.
I had to leave the house for veterinary emergencies or appointments every single day last week and by last night it had taken a toll. Next week I have doctor or dental appoints or therapy 3 different days. I want to stay here and be quiet but I will do what I need to do.
What can I say to you? I seem to have no energy or imagination to write something meaningful, I am rambling, listless, and wondering, as I often have, what it is that I have to offer anyone through my writing. What is it I have to say? What is it that you want to hear? Can you tell me?
In Parker Palmer’s sample chapter he writes that he really did not think he would ever write another book after his last one. He wrote little essays and poems he shared with a few people but he really didn’t think he had a book in him. But a discussion with a friend changed things and led him to write his new book. He writes…
“…Sheryl asked, “Have you thought about gathering
those essays, along with some of your poetry, editing them,
writing some new material, and weaving all of it into a
book, the way you did with Let Your Life Speak?” The conversation
that followed is a good example of how we get by
with a little (or a lot) of help from our friends, just as the
Beatles claimed:
Me: No, I haven’t. I mean, a book has to be about something.
My short pieces have been all over the map.
Sheryl: Um, that’s not true. I know, because you’ve sent
me a lot of those pieces over the last few years.
Me: And you think there’s a theme running through them?
Sheryl (after a brief silence): Parker, do you ever read what
you write?
Me: Of course not. Why should I? I write the stuff. But,
OK, I’ll bite. What, pray tell, have I been writing
about?
Sheryl: Getting old! That’s what you’ve been writing
about. Didn’t you know that?
Me (lights blinking on in my brain): Well, no . . . But now
that you mention it, a book on aging might be interesting
. . . Wow, am I ever glad I had that idea!”
I think right now I need a Sheryl. Maybe that could be all of you out there reading this. Can you answer me this — What, pray tell, have I been writing about? I tell you, in this moment, I haven’t a clue! I do my blog post every single day and like Parker Palmer these short writings feel like they have been all over the map. Is there a theme? When I started this project I called it a “Search For Happiness” but I have gone so far afield from my original intent I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It would be a tremendous help if you could point it out to me. If you could leave a few thoughts in the comments below I would be deeply grateful. It might help me navigate these waters ahead.
It is so dark outside it looks like night is falling. The fireplace app that I have on my computer desktop taking up half the screen is nearly lulling me to sleep. I will spare you any more random thoughts or odd queries but I do look forward to hearing why you have to say. What, pray tell, have I been writing about? I really want to know.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Dear Maitri, You are writing your thoughts like May Sarton did. You are writing who you are who we all have come to love and look forward to reading about. Is that not enough? Did you think you were going to write essays? Are you happy with what you are writing? Do you want to stop? How do you feel? I would not like it if you stopped but I wouldn’t be mad or anything. I believe we “should” do what we feel called to do.
Over here in WNC we are deluged with water. The poor fields that have been planted are under water. I hope it stops soon. I don’t have a blueprint for building an ark.
I want to share a link with you. Have you ever heard of the Great Cosmic-Happy-Ass cards? If not I think they will give you some laughs. http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com/
Thank you for your thoughts Jean, it helped to read them, and of course I’m not going to stop, this is what I do (Whatever it happens to be!) — 240 days and counting. It really does help to have people’s feedback though and I appreciate yours. Can you tell me, for fun, if these writings came together in a book what might it be called? Would there be a topic. Sarton’s first journal was “Journal Of A Solitude.” It is an umbrella for writings on the life she lived. I loved her journals, have read and reread them over the years. But are people interested enough in this sort of thing today to buy a book of these pieces that I write? This is what I’m trying to figure out.
And OH MY GOD!!! I just went and took a quick look at that card site and nearly fell off my chair! Hysterical! I can’t wait to look more later. I’m going to snuggle up with the pugs now and read and maybe take a nap. And I know what you mean, it doesn’t look like it’s EVER going to stop raining here. I don’t have a blueprint for an Ark either but it’s starting to look like we all need one!
I’m sending you a hug and much love…
Maitri
I see you writing down the bones of the days, Romancing the Ordinary, making Morning Pages (or Afternoon Pages or Evening Pages) to share with the world, to borrow from Natalie Goldberg, Sarah Ban Breathnach, and Julia Cameron. You are Journaling Aloud, and bringing us along for the ride.
You’re basically doing what you’ve always done, making a record of your journey of the days and nights, now online instead of on paper, for an audience of many instead of for an audience of one.
The main difference being: when you were writing just for you, there was no pressure to please. With writing for more than you, that pressure will often whisper, “make every word, every entry, Have Meaning. Make it ALL inspiring, or else it’s for naught.” Thank that voice kindly for its opinion and then tell it to go play in the ocean.
You don’t have to hit it out of the ball park every single time. You don’t have to dazzle and inspire with every single post. Just share, and note the minutiae, and we will see that we’re not alone, we’ll all be okay in the end, and we’re all walking each other Home, no matter how long or challenging the journey.
PS – don’t think about visiting the garden now. When the day comes to pass it en route, then check in with yourself, and remember your Excitement. 🙂
Dear Victoria, first of all thank you so much for this thoughtful response, it meant a lot to me to read it, I got a lot out of the whole thing but one phrase just really stuck out for me —
” Just share, and note the minutiae, and we will see that we’re not alone,”
Because for a very long time now a title keeps coming up for me for a book and it is “You Are Not Alone”… I want, so much, to reach out to others through my writings and truly have people feel less alone for having read what I’ve written, and, often, express the feeling that “If I can get through this you can get through what you are going through too…” It means a lot to me to help others with my writing but I am learning, more and more, that that can’t be the impetus. I even heard something about this a couple of days ago. I am listening to the audiobook of Liz Gilbert’s wonderful book “Big Magic,” and she writes, “…whenever anyone tells me that they want to write a book in order to help other people I always think ‘Oh, please don’t. Please don’t try to help me.’ I mean it’s very kind of you to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls.” I think you have to write what you write and let it land where it lands with people, and you can never really know what that will be. It’s funny, some of the posts that I write that I think might most elicit comments don’t and then I will write what feels like a very ordinary not so special post and get a slew of comments. We never know.
I suppose I just need to keep on keeping on. I go through this, from time to time, trying to figure out how to turn this into a book but then after a flurry of angsty thoughts I keep coming back to, “It’s not time. All will be revealed in time.” I just have to keep showing up and trust that the answer will come when it’s time for it to come.
You have helped me so much, thank you honey, and as to the garden I have to pass it on Tuesday to go to the clinic to get my teeth cleaned. I guess I’ll see what happens then… 🙂
You seem to write about whatever is prominent in your life on any given day, and that changes depending upon the circumstances. Victoria has eloquently expressed it above I think. I don’t think there is one particular theme, there are many, such as living alone with pets, gardening, creative expression, lifestyle, health, aging, fears, etc. If you wanted to do a book of your writings maybe you could have different chapters on topics like that, each with a small number of essays.
I enjoy Parker Palmer’s writing as well, and am happy he will have a new book out this summer.
Thank you Joan, I appreciate your thoughts. All of those subjects are merely different aspects of a life being lived. We all have all of these things or similar things in our lives. As I said above to Victoria I come to a place now and again where I try to figure out what to do with it all but what I keep coming back to is “It’s not time, the right form will be revealed in time.” And I supposed it shall.
And Parker Palmer is new to me but I have really enjoyed what I’ve read of his today and am really looking forward to this book of his coming out next month…
i tried to tell you in my acrostic… my reviewing your life’s journey daily, you are teaching us to see our own journey… to make sense of the “ragtaggle” moments that make up a life. the theme is LIVING. the theme is EVOLVING. the theme is LIVING THRU TRAGEDY AND NOT GOING BACK ON MEDS. the theme is asking questions of the universe. the theme is gardens, and animal rescue, and writing, and art. don’t you see, it’s YOU that ties it all together, just by being no one but yourself, in all your struggles and insights and pleasures.
And, as i always say, writing is its own reward. You don’t OWE your readers anything but your own truth telling. That’s the best gift anyone can give. A slow rainy day,
a day of dabbing paint, a day of planting seeds, a day of making good food to eat,
all those days add up to life, your life, and by sharing it with us, you magnify its
worth. i hope you see that.
xo
ka
Thank you dear Ka, thank you for all of this. I will save it to read again and again. And YES! I hadn’t even thought about that but it’s HUGE to be able to handle a lot of what has happened since losing Tanner without medication. Also, I am so firmly set on the ketogenic diet path that that, too, is huge, meaning I did not EAT my way through all of the heartbreak and stress as I would have a year ago when I would have devoured junk food of all sorts out of stress. I have made it through so much since my little Tanner died and the emergencies with Pugsley and Delilah it’s pretty amazing.
It’s funny, I can read May Sarton or others whose work I love just talk about dealing with rages and hard times and the minutiae of their days and it is deeply meaningful to me but when it’s me writing about my life I worry that it somehow isn’t enough. But what does that mean, “isn’t enough?” As you say I am simply here telling the truth of my days, that’s what this blog is about. And I offer it with love, from my heart. That is what I have, that is all any of us have, as writers. Thank you for affirming that it is enough.
I love you so dearly Katya, thank you…
M. xoxox
and,you said, starting out, you were going to write a blog (looking for happiness) for 365 days. and you are doing just that. Do you realize how disciplined you’ve been? and the happiness moments fit in with all the other moments, it’s the human condition!
xo
ka
Yes, I am proud of the fact that I have kept on, not missed a day, it means a lot to me, and I shall continue on. Who knows what will be revealed? Thank you so much for being here with me on the journey honey, it means so much to me…
M. xoxox
I believe I mentioned this idea a few weeks ago: I think you could put ur blog posts, edited and maybe rearranged into categories, into a book. Hmmmmm. Glad you had that idea! 😂🤗👏🏻🙏🏻😘
Thank you sweet Noni, some day it will all come together, I’ve been thinking about this for a very long time, and as I wrote above to Victoria and Joan what I come back to is that it will happen when the time is right but it isn’t time yet. I think this 365 day journey I am on now here is just that, a journey, and much will be revealed once I have completed it.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I love you honey bunny… 🙂
Dear Maitri, I read your blog because somehow it is a comfort to me. It reminds me to enjoy the small but important things that make a life livable: coffee in the morning, animals to love and care for, nature to contemplate and nurture, little joys where ever you find them. Your writing also has a searching quality to it that I relate to at a very deep level- I’m not the only one unsure of my purpose. I actually thought about this reply all night- hence the next day reply. I read your blogs when I don’t always read others that I follow. Sometimes I wish you had a little button like facebook so I could just just tap it to say “Yes- I get it!” Your 365 Journey is part inspiration and part meditation to me, as it seems to be for you. Thank you for sharing.
Ah Lorraine, thank you so much for your comment, it really meant a lot to me.
I have hoped that sharing the small moments of my day might open others up to reflecting on their own so I’m glad that my writings have meant something to you and yes! Too bad there isn’t a little “I get it!” button, it means so much to get comments, to hear from people. When you write these blog posts it is like sending something out into a void and unless someone comments you have no idea how your work has landed, if it meant something to someone, unless they comment. A “Yes I Get It!” would be a nice affirmation!
I hope you are having a lovely weekend. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me…
Hugs,
Maitri
Dearest Maitri, I love your words. They remind me that I am never alone – you are out there, you are sending out words that I catch and gather to myself. It is as though you call me every day and tell me what’s going on in your world. I should probably say thank you more often. Love you more than peanut butter loves jelly. xoxo Trece
Ah Trece, it’s so lovely to hear from you. It means so much to me that these posts remind you that you are not alone, in my heart that is what I hope they can do for people. It’s why it means so much, not only that people comment here but that I answer and we can have the kind of interaction that does indeed remind us that we are not alone.
And gracious! More than peanut butter loves jelly! That’s a lot! 😀 I love you too honey…
Hugs,
Maitri