I haven’t a clue what happened to me yesterday. Well, I am all discombobulated worrying about Pugsley and having to put three different kinds of drops in his eye every time we turn around. And then yesterday morning I had an appointment with an attorney to make a new will. I had one years ago but it was no longer pertinent. Rachel went with me. It’s amazing the things you have to take care of when you really don’t even have much in the way of worldly goods to leave but there are things like Power of Attorney, the Living Will, and so on. That’s how the day started yesterday. It all went well but it set me a little on edge.
I got home, got more drops in Pugsley’s eye and then got the nice note from the lovely woman who asked me to do a Lady for her. We agreed on how it would be done and it all set me off on a whole tangent about the Ladies, and how they came about and how I might do them again to make money to cover vet bills and all of a sudden I was just off and running. I just WENT ON! And I went on about pugs too, about so many things. I just lost my mind. The blog post was way too long, I said way too much, a good editor would have cut it down to about one sentence if she was worth her salt but the unfortunate thing was that my brain was in such a state I didn’t realize until 6:00 this morning how bad it was. I got up to go to the bathroom and all of a sudden BOING! It hit me. I sat in relative darkness, on my phone, with sleeping pugs tucked in around me, and just kept deleting, more and more and more. And then I’d go back in and delete more. Fear about the whole situation with Pugsley, the vet bills, the worry over his eye, and just 4 weeks to the day after losing Tanner just got the best of me. It reminds me of that old saying, “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” Sigh… Indeed.
And, frankly, in retrospect, it all felt a little bipolary to me, too bipolary for comfort. Grief over Tanner and worry over Pugsley and vet bills, etc, have eaten away at my sense of security and “alrightness” in the world. I have been overwrought and scared for the last few weeks and it has taken a toll. And then when an offer from someone to do a Lady for her in order to help make money for the vet bills came it just sent me off and running on a tangent that was like a wild horse who has broken out of the pasture and is on the run. I was spinning, spiraling, running away with myself. I hate that, I really do.
I’m better today, quiet, sitting here having my coffee. Maurice will be here today to help in the yard and garden. He will cut the grass and do what needs to be done. Tonight my friend Noni is coming over to bring her parrot Canela who I will be babysitting while Noni is out of town this week. I am nervous and uneasy in myself but I am working very hard at focusing, staying in the moment, and just doing what needs to be done.
I cannot make grand plans and schemes about making money with the Ladies. As situations arise where I can do so I will in order to help pay these vet bills but I am not going to try to launch any new project with them. The thing is, I can’t. I am trying to stay balanced and sane, trying to take care of myself and my babies, trying to live my life as best I can here, and it is a lot of work. Sanity doesn’t come easy for some of us.
If you were here yesterday and read that whole long mess of a blog post I apologize, truly. (Shaking head sadly.) I hope it won’t happen again. No time soon anyway. For today I am going to stop here. I am quieter today. This is a good thing. Some things are just better left unsaid. 
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
good heavens, my dear, no apologies necessary! you just reveal how your special quirky tender hopeful mind works. in every blog. of course you want people to enjoy The Ladies and you could well occasionally take a commission. no one is putting a gun to your head to make you mass market these things and overwhelm yourself! you put the idea out, and now it percolates. you can say yes to an offer, you can say no. YOU ARE A FREE AGENT. and no wonder you’re concerned about vet bills. they are sky high. So give yourself a break and know that your blog yesterday just revealed your state of mind and your hopefulness that there was a way to “sell” your talents to help care for your pugs, present and future. All very understandable. You are way way too hard on yourself!
Hugs and more hugs — and I’ll throw in a gardenia for good measure
xo
a
Thank you so much dear Ka…
At 6 a.m. I was in a panic about having written too much, gone ON too much. When your brain spirals out of control because of fear it steals any peace you may have had, it takes your breath away, you can’t sleep. Finally, after deleting most of the post, and deleting it from Facebook I was able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. And I woke up to the most startling vision, still clear as a bell in my mind. Someone was coming in my front door and I was afraid but all of a sudden it was a crowd of people, family that I had known and loved and who loved me, all deceased. And I haven’t thought about them in a long time, and suddenly here they were, and my beloved grandma most of all, and I felt a rush of love and happiness. It’s as though lost in so much fear the ancestors came to let me know everything was going to be okay. I am still marveling over it.
And thank you so much for the hugs, and the gardenias too. I needed them today. You are such a loving presence in my life. Thank you darling one…
M. xoxox
Come here you and I plant a kiss on your forehead! out of all the posts i loved yesterdays the most!
Why you ask??!!??
Because it came from you. From your heart and talking about what is important to you. Darling Maitri you inspire me and others everyday but yesterday you inspired me to get back to making jewelry to help my husband and I with our bills and to save our home.. I am homebound and well if i am to get my meds and charlies meds and pay the taxes on this house … I too have to use y talents and reach out more… so please don’t change a this about yesterday’s post I am glad it went on as long as it did …
I needs to read what your day was like the fears and trying to solve the future one thought at a time… it gave me direction …
If you ever get that way again you must know Julia needs to hear my words .. so write them or call me ..
love you girl!
Oh Julia, you are so sweet…
And if what I wrote yesterday helped you I am so glad, and good for you for starting making your jewelry again. We must do what we can do.
But I had to edit that blog post because it made me feel afraid and shy and uncomfortable. You know what bipolar is like, you live with it in your home. When one spirals out of control it does damage to your sense of well-being, you do not feel safe and okay in the world. That blog post in it’s entirety made me feel unsafe, it had to be cut way back. If this wasn’t a daily journey that I am deeply committed to I would have deleted the whole thing but I couldn’t do that. The comments that you and Katya have left here have helped me a lot toward feeling better about it but most of all I had to delete the writings of a spiraling mind because that writing was stealing my peace.
I am better today, though writing this I am teary. It will be okay, I will be okay, you and Charlie will be okay, we will all find our way, one day at a time. And thank you for being so dear, it means more to me than you could possibly know.
Much love,
Maitri
okay cut i get it… since then i have made 3 pairs of earrings and 4 pendents … need a day to take pics of them … and yes Charlie and I will muddle through somehow we always do .. love ya girl!
Oh Julia I’m so happy to hear that you are creating your jewelry. It feels good to create something, doesn’t it? I myself have done a first attempt at the woman’s drawing of a Lady based on herself. It’s not quite right yet but it was a good first attempt. Onward and Upward! And love you too honey…
Write as much or as little as you feel at the time of writing. It doesn’t matter. You have to get it out and the blog is the place. We are here for you.
Hugs
Olive💖💖💖💋
Thank you so much dear Olive, you and Katya and Julia have been so kind here, it moves me deeply and means the world to me. But I can’t let the writing run away with me in a way that feels unsafe and unsettling later. I rarely let myself go quite like that, I needed to remove most of it to be able to breathe and feel okay, and so I did. But having you dear loving friends here has helped me more than any of you will ever know because I have worried all day about people having read yesterday’s post before it was edited and thinking badly of me. You kind souls have made me feel a little easier. Bless you honey, bless you all…
Maitri,
Of course the worry about Pugsley and vet bills would get to be unsettling — but your original post was perfectly OK. And no one who follows your posts regularly would think anything negative. But it’s also important to feel safe in your sharing, and no reason NOT to go back and edit later. I’ve certainly done that on posts that I felt were more than I usually share!
You’re so wonderfully honest about sharing your feelings and thoughts. It’s always an inspiration to me.
Thank you so much dear Lisa, and you know, I share so openly and honestly most of the time that it is rare for me to have second thoughts. I never go back and change anything, I literally never have other than correcting a typo I’ve found in rereading a post, that sort of thing, so this was most unusual. But I feel much better for having deleted what I did. We do have to follow our heart, and I followed mine. And now the deed is done and on I go.
I have come in awhile ago from spending 2 hours in the garden after Maurice left having gotten me ship-shape. It’s a good feeling to look around outside and see things beginning to grow. And I don’t need to tell you how soothing and healing being in the garden is. Now I will go clean up my disaster of a kitchen and get a shower. Another day is done…
Yay for gardening! I’ve been visiting gardens for the last two days, in Austin where I grew up, as part of the Garden Bloggers Fling, and it’s been remarkable.
Gardening is a good thing.
It sounds like you are having lots of fun. Enjoy! And gardening indeed is a very good thing… 🙂
Dear Maitri, I hope you will forgive yourself. I totally understand going off. I went off on my dear husband today and I feel bad about it but there is no delete button. sigh.
I was in a group last year and we were encouraged to post a video about our inner child and so many did. They were wonderful and vulnerable. Then the moderator put it down and said “that’s not what we are all about”. I went off big time on her. I could have done it more kindly but I didn’t. I know this is not what you were talking about but I had to tell you that yeah I do things spontaneously. You meant well dear. We don’t think badly of you. When I put any video up or blog up I “worry” about what people will think. But I am trying really hard not to give a flying EFF. I mean why? What “THEY” think of you is coming from their stuff. You nor I nor any of us can please anyone. You had some wonderful ideas. You put it out there and then realized it wasn’t the right timing. Oh boy do I understand that one. But hey you were and are real. I know it isn’t easy not to worry. I don’t know for sure what bi polar feels like but sometimes I feel I do know. I have had high ideas and then realized I couldn’t do it. But wow look how creative you are! I love it. And it’s ok not to be able to do it all right now. What about “playing” with your ideas? Oh yes where is the link to your stories? I’d love to read them.
Big Hugs, Jean
Hello Dear Jean, and thank you for your supportive note. Being bipolar is deeply complicated and impossible to understand unless you live with it. It’s not just having big ideas and then not being able to carry through although that can be part of it. The out of control spiralling can be terrifying like being on a giant rollercoaster that feels like it is careening along out of control constantly in danger of flying off the tracks. In life it leads to constant course correcting just to find some sense of equilibrium. I have done well with it for some time now and I’m not in a bad way but losing Tanner 4 weeks ago and now the worries about my sweet Pugsley and the vet bills on top of it have done a number on my sense of stability and security. I did get a lot done in the garden today though and that is very healing and helps stabilize those wayward times that are so unsettling.
The stories I think you are referring to were with the Ladies I was drawing for 4 months from October 2016 through January 2017. I’ve done a lot of other ones but you will find a lot of those by going to my Facebook page —
https://www.facebook.com/AcrossTheVastExpanseOfTheNotebookPage/
Then click on the Photos section and scroll down a way. You can’t miss them! When you click on a Lady you fill find her story with her picture. I hope you enjoy them… 🙂
Thank you for explaining bipolar. No I don’t have any experience with it. Yes that does sound terrifying. I am so glad you are doing well and hope you continue to do so.
Thank you for the link to your stories. I will go there now.
<3
Thank you honey, I hope you enjoy some of the Ladies and their stories… 🙂
Maitri…..I loved the blog you wrote because I totally get, and identify with, your financial distress. Sometimes, it’s just so overwhelming and we are so consumed with fear, we just go into panic mode. You are strong because you allow yourself to be so vulnerable and that’s a strength that every human being, whether they admit it or not, would love to have. I thank you for your honesty and your courage. Sending you peace and love.
Thank you so much dear Lynn, you are very kind. Yes, it is scary and will wear a body down. I am still grieving from losing my sweet pug Tanner 4 weeks ago so having Pugsley going through a health scare after losing Tanner and then the vet bills on top of it all is just crushing. We will get through somehow but these days are just so hard. But I do think he is responding to the medications and I was able to get some gardening done today. It will all be well one way or another. And I am sending you love as well dear one, and a gentle warm hug. What else is there but to carry on as best we can and love as much as possible along the way. And notes from dear friends like you help so much…
You know what? There are days I fret about many of the same things you do. Sometimes I think, ‘Oh, shouldn’t have wiritten that about the Lord, the readers will think [that I’m this or that]…’ For the most part, I have gotten over caring what people, even my hubster, think. Don’t get me wrong…I love my husband with all of my heart but I’m not a Stepford Wife. 🙂 Still, I want people to like me but I am getting over being a people pleaser. What you see is ME! Tada!! I’m like a willothewisp one day, a standing stone the next, nonetheless, the core of me belongs to Him, my provider, Who is sufficient for me. Maitri, may you be covered with His love and Grace. Memarge:)
Thank you dear Marge, and I love your description of yourself! Willothewisp, standing stone! We are all such complex and complicated creatures are we not? And no, you are no Stepford Wife! I have no doubt about that! 😀
Dear Maitri, I wish I had some profound words to say but I haven’t – all I can say is I’m sorry you have been feeling as you describe for us. Of all the things to happen, having another of your pugs unwell so soon after Tanner died would be very upsetting.
I remember a time, back a number of years now, when you spoke about the Julian if Norwich quote you like: “All will be well and all will be well and all manner of thing will be well”. I’ve been calling in those words ever since, so thank you for sharing them back then and I’m returning them to you for the times the world starts spinning uncomfortably on you.
Thank you dear Moira. And that Julian of Norwich quote is on a bracelet that I never take off. Thank you for reminding me. I’ve worn it for so long sometimes I just forget. All shall indeed be well one way or another. Blessings and love to you dearheart…