It is so hard to begin a new week without my boy Tanner, but life goes on and time moves swiftly. I didn’t sleep well last night, got up at midnight and went out with Delilah and Pugsley and then came back in and watched my Netflix show until 2. I finally fell alseep and was up at 7:30. It was cold and raining. I went out with my 2 little pugs and as they rushed out into the rain to go potty I stood staring at Tanner’s little grave. 3 days ago he would have been here starting the day with us. They came in, I fed them, made coffee, and sat down here wondering how to do life in this new altered state?
Aaron and Stephanie and the baby left yesterday to go back to Atlanta. We only get to see them 2 or 3 times a year and it was an outright miracle that Aaron was here Friday night when Tanner died, that he could come with Rachel to dig the grave. But they were both here, and sweet Tanner was wrapped in a blanket and laid to rest. I have not been the same since and while I have, for the most part, stopped wailing in hysterical tears I feel empty and lost without him. But here are my other 2 babies. We go on.
Something else has been happening the last few days that bears sharing but has been lost in the shuffle. I started the ketogenic diet on October 11. It will be 6 months in a couple of days. I lost 25 pounds the first 2 months and then came to an absolute standstill. Despite the fact that I haven’t, as God is my witness, had one bite of anything not on the ketogenic diet, my weight has stalled for 4 months. This happens on keto. It is mysterious. But I started in October at 333 pounds and I could not get below 302. I was nearly crazed being so close to breaking 300 pounds but unable to do it, especially since I was being vigilant about the diet. Last Monday I started the week at 304.8. The day the kids arrived last Wednesday I was 303.6. The odd thing was that though many people doing keto have a little wine with no problems or impact on weight I have been refraining because being stalled I was so afraid to do anything that would keep me from losing weight I didn’t want to risk it. But it was so nice to have the kids in, to have the family all together, I thought, “Oh heck, I am perfect about the diet, I’m going to have some wine with the family!” I had 2 glasses of wine Wednesday night. Thursday morning I got up and had lost 2.8 pounds! I weighed 300.8. The next day I weighed 301. Saturday I weighed 300.2 and yesterday — I nearly fell off the scale I was so shocked! — I weighed 299! Today I started out a new week at 298.2. It would seem that the stall is broken! I have a long way to go but there is movement. I’ve lost 6.6 pounds in the last week. I know the numbers will fluctuate, as they do, but I haven’t seen anything below 302 since I started. I’m in the 200’s! It feels grand!
And the thing is that everything has changed so much since I started on keto 6 months ago. No longer pre-diabetic, blood pressure in the normal range, and amazingly coming off all psych meds. And the thing that really struck me today was the sure knowledge that if I had lost Tanner so suddenly and unexpectedly a year ago when I was in such a terrible state the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called one terrible night I would very likely had to have been hospitalized. And surely, with my eating out of control I would have nearly eaten myself into a coma. I would have been so bereft I would not have been able to function. I am heartbroken, I am terribly sad, I am grieving, it will take time to deal with this, but I am dealing with it, I am taking care of myself and my 2 other little pugs. I am, though often dissolving into tears, functioning. I credit the ketogenic diet with this. It has a profound affect on your body, your brain, your whole life. It’s nice to lose weight, I needed to lose a lot of weight, but that’s not why I started keto. I started keto because of all of the research about it’s affects on the brain, on mental health, and it has helped me immensely. It has changed me. In these last unbearably hard days I have been coping. I will make it, I will get through this, I will carry on.
My, it’s such a dreary day outside, but inside Delilah and Pugsley and I are cozy and warm. Because I didn’t sleep well or much last night and we were up early after I get this post up and out I am going to take them out and then snuggle up with them in our big chair and take a nap. They are the most healing little beings. Pugs are remarkable dogs. They are like little living, breathing teddy bears. They are my babies. Friday afternoon, before he died that night, Tanner was snuggled up with us too taking a nap. Now there are only the 3 of us. It makes me terribly sad, but my 2 babies and I will make it through.
It is a new day. There is work to be done. I am trying to figure out what to do, where to go from here. What I do is get up in the morning, take care of the babies, make my coffee and start my day. I answer people who have commented here on the blog, I go through email, I make a list of things that need to be done and I begin doing them. That is all any of us can do, one thing at a time, one moment at a time, baby steps and on we go. I am figuring out life without Tanner, that is my big work now, and everything else will unfold around it. And I Keto On, and I have broken 300 pounds, and I am so proud of myself that I did not succumb to mindless overeating in a state of grief. That is as big an accomplishment as the weight beginning to come off. There is progress here, there is forward movement, for today it is enough.
I hope you are well wherever you are. I would love to hear from you, hear how your days are going, what you are up to. Leave me a comment below if you’ve a mind to. It’s important to be in touch, to share, to be heard. Despite everything that is going on I am here, I am listening, I care. I appreciate those of you who take time to comment, so much. Thank you for being here with me.
It is another day. On I go…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Just holding your hand. Put your head on my shoulder… be silent… you will be ok in the long run… just breathe, while the big world keeps on turning, while life goes on…
take care, Maitri. Big hugs. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much dear sweet Claudine. It helps so much to know that you are there. We have both been through so much, we struggle, but we keep trying, we keep moving forward. I am so proud of you, of all the you have done, are doing, are accomplishing. I am so excited about your big project. It will be a huge success! Thank you for taking the time to be here with me, I am always with you in spirit dear friend. And I am hugging you all the way from here to there…
Each moment, that is really all any of us can do. I visualize all of your dear, wonderful healing angels around you giving you peace, healing and of course much LOVE.
What am I doing? Blogging with Effy again this month and it has been fun. That is where I read your blogs for the first time and we got connected.
Much Love Maitri dear from Jean
Oh thank you Jean. I wish I could see my angels as I used to, huge pink orbs filling the sky all around me. They were so beautiful and they gave me such peace. They were here for nearly year and then after the fire they disappeared. I wish I could see them now. I like to think that they were with little Tanner when he died. It makes my heart ache to know that he went out there and died alone. I wish that I had been holding him in my arms when he left this world. It haunts me.
I saw that Effy was doing another blog challenge and those are so much fun and yes I met some lovely people doing that but that challenge led me to this 365 day one and since I am already doing this I can’t do that too. I hope that you enjoy it.
I hope you are having a lovely evening. I fed the pugs, cleaned up the kitchen and got the dishwasher going, took out the trash and recycling and now I am sitting here and it is only 7 and I don’t know what to do with myself. Normally I am busy until I get off the computer by 11. Right now I don’t know what to do with myself.
I am sending love to you too honey. May your days be gentle…
Dear Maitri, Tanner did NOT die alone. No one dies alone. Their angels are always there and help them over to the other side. I am sure Tanner is with you in spirit. Watch to see if your other Pugs notice him. I bet they do.
Your angels are still with you even if you can’t see them. You will. Do you talk to your angels? I have a healing angel and I talk to him and Raphael. Also Michael and others.
I wish you peace my dear.
Love, Jean
Thank you so much for telling me that Jean, about Tanner’s angels. It positively broke my heart to go out and find him laying there all by himself. I hope he was surrounded by angels. And yes, I do talk to my angels all the time, all day long. I wish I knew who my healing angel was, I could use the help right now. I will watch Pugsley and Delilah to see how they act. Oh Jean this is so hard….
Congratulations on your weight loss, that’s something to be really proud of! That keto diet is amazing. Thank you for the beautiful pink flowers at the top of your post… Big hugs and much love to you and the pugs. xxx
Thank you so much Jenny and yes, keto is truly amazing. It isn’t just for weight loss it heals the whole body. I have been on every diet that ever existed I think and lost weight on some (and gained it back) but those diets were designed, if they worked at all, for weight loss, not total health in the way keto is. It has changed my life on so many levels I can hardly believe it. And for me it isn’t a diet but a way of life and one I will stay with for the rest of my life. I really know that being keto is helping me now.
And big hugs to you too honey, I’m glad you enjoyed the pink flowers. I thought they were lovely. The pugs and I all send our love…
steps backward, steps forward, grief and then rejoicing, sadness then hopefulness,
seeds,then flowers. life and death are such mysteries, all we can do is trust that
we will wake up to breathe another day. sometimes when tom leaves home to go off somewhere, i think, please bring him home safe. because i know things could change in one moment. so yes, as you wrote earlier, savor the ones we love: humans, animals, gardens… because right now, they are still with us, and we are still here to notice
xoxo ka
xo
ka
Oh yes dear Ka I know that so well, whispered prayers as our loved ones leave us, to go off to do their work in the world, to go back to another state where they live away from us, even just across town to do an errand. “Keep them safe…” I whisper.
And yes, this is what I am trying to focus on just now, the things that are still with me, there is so much. Right now it is hard to pull myself away from the agonizing heartache, the hole that Tanner left in the tapestry of my life, but there is still so much here. My children and grandchildren, my other pugs, dear friends, the garden, so much. I am trying so hard to focus on these things but it has only been three days since he passed, three days ago at this time he was still with me and all looked fine. Only 3 days. These things take time.
Thank you so much for being so present with me dear friend. Your notes here, your texts, sharing pictures of your garden, it all helps so much. I love you honey…
M. xoxox
Congratulations Maitri on busting through that 300 lb. barrier! May it be the beginning of a more rapid downward trend.
And yes, all one can do in these early, wretched days of grief, is to go one step at a time.
Sending you comfort and a hug.
Thank you so much Joan and yes! it is an amazing thing to have finally broken 300! I am hoping for more forward motion now. I do hope to see that downward trend.
And yes, you put it so well, “these early, wretched days of grief.” That is exactly what they are. His loss cuts so deep. And then there are odd moments when I feel confused like I can’t quite believe or understand that he is gone. This is part of it too. Sigh. Grief is a process, and I am just at the beginning, and interwoven with it all is life needing to be lived. I am doing the best that I can. That’s all one can do.
Thank you for the hug. I need it now so much. It means a lot…
How about relaxing? You are very hard on yourself. You are such a good person, yet you often seem to think you’ve not completed a task to your detriment. As kind as you are to others, turn that kindness on yourself, dear Maitri.
Thank you so much dear Marge, you are very kind. I will try my best…
So hard Maitri, I know……I wish I could come over and visit with you in person and share a cup of coffee and a few tears. I am good at the tears it seems as I am getting older I have tears just about everything….I often have them just from reliving life and what has happened in these 65 years of mine. I am holding you in a soft and safe place and know that time and time alone is all that heals this. It does not make it go away that just does not happen. But it will eventually put in to a different place in your thoughts and you will carry Tanner in your heart always. Hugs……JIM
Thank you so much dear Jim, you are so sweet… I wish we could sit and have a cup of coffee together too.
Grief is so odd. You wail in agony, and a little time passes and I find myself confused, like I can’t quite understand what happened, it doesn’t seem real. And then this morning I woke up, and I was sad of course but I thought I might be doing a little better and I got the other babies out, got them their breakfast, made my coffee, and sat down here and suddenly dissolved into tears and cried so hard I didn’t think I could stop. It just seems to come at you in waves.
Grief takes time, I don’t need to tell you that. I am holding fast to my babies. I hope you will consider getting another dog when the time feels right, not to replace Sadie, no dog ever could, but to honor her memory by giving another little one a home and for the companionship. I think Sadie would like that. My life would be untenable without these little loves. Delilah and Pugsley are saving me right now.
I am holding you so close in my heart dear Jim, and sending you so much love…
Maitri
❤️💛💚💙💜💖
Thank you Noni…