Well yesterday I was a hot mess. Phew. By last night I was so wrung out all I could do was sit here and wonder how I would make it out of this desk chair to bed. I didn’t seem to have the energy. But something saved me. Her name is Lolly. She is the “stuffy” that my friend Noni brought me that I showed here yesterday. There was a big vase of purple tulips barely opening up, a beautiful card, and this adorable little stuffed person. I have never been a big “stuffed animal” person but I just fell in love with her. I named her Lolly and barely put her down all night. I took the above picture when I was sitting here clutching her tight and had been for hours. Linus and his blanket have nothing on me and my Lolly.
I could not believe what comfort she gave me. I will be 64 in April. Grandmas are supposed to provide comfort and stuffys for the little people in their lives. Well this Grandma was saved by this lovable little being. And when you pull on her tail she makes music! This delights me no end.
I took Lolly to therapy with me today and my therapist loved her. She is here in the crook of my arm resting on my work table while I am writing this post. All day long she has been no more than a foot away from me. And she is healing me. And I am so grateful.
And oh my gracious, the tulips! Yesterday they barely had any color. Look at them today!
I swear, some day I hope I can do something as wonderful as what my Noni did for me bringing that bag of love and delights. On one of the worst days I have had in a very long time she saved me.
And yes, today was therapy. I poured my heart out, I told Helene all the things I have been thinking and feeling and afraid about and overwhelmed over and how I felt such a failure and I cried and went through many tissues and blew my nose a lot and she listened. And when I got it all out I knew that I had come to a very important place, the place where reality sinks in. And probably everybody on the planet could see it happening but me. Only a few months out of the depths of depression, and having made many huge changes, here on this blog, with the ketogenic diet, amazing changes in my health, and going off all meds not even quite 2 months ago, and before I could even get on firm footing with it all I rushed headlong into a project that was way too big, too soon, and over the top for where I am. I am on an incredible healing journey, and many wonderful things have happened, but these are still early days.
Maybe for the next year I will just do these blog posts every day, and continue on with the ketogenic diet, and continue to lose weight and see more and more wonderful health changes physically in my life, and learn what life is all about off medication. What the daily ups and downs are like, and what it all means. This will take awhile, it may take a year from when I started. Maybe by the beginning of 2019 I will have a better idea who I am now. And I will continue on, very slowly and steadily, discovering what this new life is all about. I’m not such a bad sort, in fact I’m even learning to like myself more than I ever have, love myself even, but this new me is like a tiny baby horse just barely getting up on her legs. You can’t rush this. I haven’t got my sea legs yet.
I do want to learn to make videos, for fun, and maybe share my journey by talking to you all in that format too. I have been using my iPhone and will continue using it but in 2014, after the fire, I bought a nice camera and never used it. I pulled it out a couple of days ago. I’m going to try to learn how to use it for videos. Just for fun, with no pressure whatsoever. I have an app on my phone for editing videos there and a free program for editing videos on my desktop. I’m going to see what it feels like to create these videos without all the pressure of TRYING TO DO SOMETHING BIG THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!!! I can’t really help anybody else until I take care of myself, but I can share my journey along the way, here, and in some little videos. For now that will be enough.
I’m not going to try to write a very long blog post tonight. My little pugs are sleeping and snoring around me. I think we will have an early night. I hope you are having a sweet night wherever you are. I am sending you so much love…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri, You are just so hard on yourself and I don’t think you really realize how much you give to so many that read your blog. I know your not interested in haveing men as part or this but I am a bit attached and as you know I do care about you and how you are and how you are doing.
I did wonder why you were putting so much on yourself with so many other things changing in your life and I wanted so wanted to say something but then again I am not one of your woman friend, but I am for sure a friend and I hope that you do know this.
You have nothing to prove or nothing that you have to do but just what you want to do. I do understand why you were trying to get the woman’s only group going and that would be a financial help but I also believe that something good and wonderful will come your way.
You are a good woman and you need only reflect on the wonderful things you have done in the past months. I am watching over you and I hope that each day the healing just keeps coming your way with out a backwards spin, but if there is some of that than you will still move forward. Hugs…and Love…JIM
Oh sweet Jim, I hope you will hear this…
Yes, when I was going to create a closed community it would have been for women only because of some of the subjects that women need to discuss in a private setting to feel safe but I have many men friends that I care about, you are certainly one of them, and all dear men are always welcome here on my blog and I will answer you and appreciate you for being here so much. That is one of the things that bothered me about what I was trying to do. I had an idea, I meant well, but there were a lot of problems with my vision and this was one of them.
Please know that I appreciate and treasure your friendship and all that you have done for me, and I appreciate, as well, the kind things that you have said to me here tonight. It has been a challenging and confusing time but thank goodness I have come to a gentler place that feels much better.
I am sending you so much love, and a gentle warm hug…
Maitri
Baby steps. Slow n steady wins the race.
Thank you Noni honey, I know, you are so right. And I am sitting here with Lolly having my coffee, I love her so much. You are my darling girl… 🙂
Maitri you’re a star! Your new plan sounds just right, and Lolly is so cute. Much love to you and the pugs. xxx
Thank you so much Jenny, you are so kind. It feels right, and really, it’s the only thing I can do. And I am having coffee with Lolly and the pugs right now! We all send our love! 🙂
Dear Lolly take good care of our Maitri tonight <3
Moira, she is! I’m having coffee with her snuggled up in the crook of my arm right now. 🙂
Hi Maitri, I am beside you, on this bumpy road. I know from my own experience that getting off psych meds is not as simple as it seems. I am on my path of finding myself again. And so are you… You will get through this… You will be able to accept ‘giving up your too big a dream’ and you will truly accept yourself. You just need to take the time now. To adjust. To just be. To feel a bit sad. To just sit and breathe. To hold and treasure Lolly…
To do whatever is comforting you… You may feel alone and very disappointed, but that’s totally okay. I am with you. You know that… Take care… Big hugs and loving thoughts. ❤️
Thank you so much my darling sweet Clo, I appreciate all you had to say. I am having coffee with Lolly right now and will be checking in with you soon on FB. I hope you are there! And I love you honey. I hope things are going well for you today…
It doesn’t surprise me that you feel strongly toward your little Lolly.
I fell in love with the cloth dolls my friend hand-sews, and asked her to make one based on my mother’s appearance. It’s tiny, just a foot tall, but was designed with my mom’s hair, eyes, mouth, teeth, and body shape, not to mention two outfits made of fabric like the kinds of clothes she wore.
That was after my mom passed away at age 64, and some people find the doll creepy, but not me. Every once in a while I pick her up and hold her to my heart and take comfort from her.
-Kate
Oh Kate, how lovely. I used to make one of a kind handmade dolls and I loved them. They were mostly featureless and filled with herbs from my garden and gemstones. They were very special and I loved them. I haven’t done that in a long while but I love handmade dolls. It’s funny I hadn’t thought of Lolly as a “doll” but she’s not just a “stuffed animal” either. Looking at her now I am just realizing that maybe she is a monkey? In any case I just love her and she is right here with me. I am so glad you have your doll and I don’t think it’s creepy, I think it’s very special. And oh gosh, 64, she died so young. I will be 64 in April…
Best to you dearheart, I’m so glad to see you here today… 🙂
Maitri