Usually I have the title of a post before I start. It comes to me and takes me into the writing. Once in awhile an image stirs me so much I put it here and just sit with it. So it is today.
I am imagining myself in that little boat in a small, quiet area of the pond. I am trying to find that place and just rest there. Pushing myself too hard these last weeks has taken a toll.
No, it is actually not a lovely picture of solitude for me today, it is a picture of being cut off, and a biting loneliness. I once wrote, “Loneliness has eaten so many holes in me I feel like a piece of swiss cheese.” My lovely solitude of a few nights ago has turned into a bitter, biting loneliness today, the kind of existential loneliness that we almost can’t understand and that little can touch.
I was writing the above and then just positively broke down sobbing. I was crying for so many reasons. Crying because I am past the point in my life where being able to realize my dream of a community for women, something I once did with ease, was too much. And crying because I become very afraid about being able to do good work in the world, at nearly 64, that will create income that can sustain me without trying to do something that pushes me so hard I almost push myself over the edge from trying. Crying because of crying itself and what it implies. I have been doing so well off medication I don’t want to go back on it. I have been off medication for almost 2 months. Going back on medication would be a kind of death, death to the senses, to all of the areas of my life that have awakened after a long sleep. I have been like Rip Van Winkle waking up after 100 years. Life without medication is life. Having to be dulled by medication just to cope would be a kind of death to me. I do not want to ever have to go there again.
In the last two sessions with my therapist Helene — and I see her again tomorrow thank God — she has tried to explain to me that this is a period of readjustment, of learning how to live in the world in a whole new way, without the buffer of medication. I was on so much medication for so long that even when I thought “the medication wasn’t working” because I was suffering through terrible anxiety and depression it was still doing far more than I realized. It was creating a low level numbness that kept me from feeling a lot of what most people feel. Off of medication I am feeling those things again, the daily ups and downs. I haven’t felt the downs until I started pushing myself so hard to try to create the community, dealing with the technology that was over my head but which I pushed on with, hour after hour, day after day, until something in me just broke, not badly, perhaps it might better be put as having a crack in the edifice, that which has felt sure and strong for some time now. I pushed too hard and something cracked. Not enough to break clean through, but I did damage. I have to repeat what I’ve said a few times lately, I am off medication, I may be able, I hope I will, to continue to be off medication, but I have to be vigilant about self care. I cannot push so hard.
I was holding all these things and it all became too much.
Earlier I had a wonderful talk with my dear friend Claudine in Belgium. We have been communicating for some time daily through Facebook Messenger, and she has written me wonderful letters and sent me lovely gifts and handmade journals that she created, and lately we have begun, a few times, to talk live through Messenger. Oh it’s so lovely to talk face to face. This is something I would not do easily or often with people, I don’t even like to talk to people through Messenger except a rare few who are really close to me, but this was so perfect. She had written me a long note saying that she had become so worried about me watching me pushing so hard to try to create this community that she was ready to get on a plane to North Carolina! She, too, has struggled with many of the things that I have for a very long time. We talked a lot about this.
It is so good to have friends my age or older who are also trying to navigate these years, find their way in the world at a stage of life when time is more limited, and you don’t have the ability to do things you once did, but you still have a lot to give. To find a way to use your gifts and talents in your 60’s can be daunting especially when you deal with other challenges that can make life difficult day to day. There is no springing up out of bed and facing the day without thought. For me everything, though it may be very wonderful and much appreciated, must be measured, and handled gently and with care. There are no days of thoughtless abandon as there are for those who are much younger. Every moment counts and must be counted. I am having to learn to balance it all in a new way.
So I sat down to write this post, and it was so hard. I was crying uncontrollably and not sure how I could make it through. But just as I was feeling most hopeless my phone dinged. There was a text from my dear friend Noni. She said that she had left something on my front porch last evening and forgot to tell me. I went to the front porch and there was a big bag. Purple tulips just coloring up, not yet in bloom, a precious stuffed animal (when you pull on her tail she makes music!), and a lovely card and note. I texted back to thank her and told her I could not stop crying, and I appreciated these lovely things so much. She said she would stop by for a short visit and she did. She hugged me while I cried. We talked and it made me feel better. I felt, as I am, so blessed.
When Noni left I took the pugs outside. I blew the deck off with the leaf blower and put fresh seed out for the squirrels for the morning. I fed the pugs their dinner and walked out and got the mail. I sat back down here to write and the tears flowed again. I can’t seem to stop. My sweet daughter Rachel texted me to see if I was okay. She said she was there for me. She said she could call but I told her I had to get this blog post finished and up. I sobbed while I texted her. I told her that I had tried hard to do something that I wasn’t able to do and I felt like a failure and like I would never amount to anything. She was so sweet and supportive. It has all come crashing down today and I don’t know how to make it stop.
But I got this blog post written. For today this is enough. And Claudine, and Noni, and Rachel have been here with me and let me know that I was not alone. And I am deeply grateful. I have done this. Tomorrow is another day.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
thank goodness you realized you were in over your head. it is thru NO FAULT of your own. You wanted so badly to do something that ended up being grandiose, even though well meaning, and your very being shrieked NO, and you finally listened. You will get thru this and continue on with keto, with perhaps getting back into your art, your garden, whatever nurtures you, sweet woman. know that the people you are reaching with this blog are all rooting for your success, as only YOU can define it. You, a unique being with unique gifts. never ever think of yourself as a failure. you have written this blog daily for 159 days!!! amazing and powerful. forgive yourself for being divinely human, and smile, maitri. you are alive. and therefore, there is hope.
xo
ka
Oh Ka…
Yes, I was in over my head. I wanted so badly to help, to be of service, and to be able to make income too. You know how hard it is to get older and be afraid about money and to try so hard to figure out a way to make it all work. But there are things we can do and things, for whatever reason, we just can’t. And this can be very hard to bear. Thank you for your kind words, and yes, I am proud of having gotten through 159 days so far and I just will see this through, come what may. I cried nearly all the way through writing this one to the end, but I finished it and got it up. I long to be able to do so much more than that, but, alas, I am doing what I can. And you are right about that last bit, I am still alive, and while we are alive there is hope. Thank you for reminding me of that dear sister. Tonight I really needed to hear it.
I love you sweet Ka…
M. xoxox
I know a thing or two about that fear of Not Enough, that nagging conviction that’s subtly reinforced by our cultural conditioning. I also know a wee bit about the bone-deep loneliness that cuts though you like a polar wind in the heart of Winter.
We’re navigating through the Dim together, taking turns swimming through both bright and dark waters. A few things have gone my way, followed by a few more. Slowly, I float back up to the surface. You will too.
I owe you an email still. I finally have this on my Task List, and I’ll see if I can get to that this week. 🙂
Oh sweet Victoria, I know you know it all so well, I do. And that bone deep loneliness that cuts so deep. Damn, it just hurts. I’m so sorry you feel it sometimes too but I really do appreciate you being here and sharing that with me.
Yes, what a wonderful way to put it, navigating through the Dim… And I’m glad a few things have gone your way, thank goodness for that.
Take your time honey re the email, I’m not going anywhere, it will come in the right and perfect time. I love you sweet V. 🙂
Dear Maitri, You are FEELING! This is good even though painful. Crying releases so much even though it is tiring and painful. I can so relate. BUT the good news is you are NOT OLD. Believe me. I’m going to be 82 in a couple of months and dear heart I am starting something new. You WILL be able to accomplish what you want if you take it slow and easy, one step at a time! You are NOT a failure, you are adjusting a new way of living. Remember, I am a recovering agoraphobic too and have had lots of panic and anxiety too. No I don’t live alone so we don’t have that in common and that is okay. I am so glad that your friend and your daughter are in touch to help when you need it.
Much love to you dear, you will get through this and who knows what you will create because of it.
Love, Jean
Thank you so much dear Jean, yes indeed, I am feeling so much. And I’m so happy for you that you are starting something new that delights you. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world with it. And yes, I’ve got to move slowly, more slowly than I almost know how to, but there is no choice. And you are an inspiration to me, I thank you so much for sharing with me here tonight. I will keep on keeping on, what else is there? as my dear friend Jeff would say. And on I go…
Sending hugs and light to you, Maitri — you provide so much good in the world already, there’s no need to think that you need to do more now. You have family and friends who love and support you — all will be well.
Thank you so much Lisa honey, you have always been so kind to me, you just have no idea how much it has meant to me. And I appreciate your kind words here tonight. I am sending you my heartfelt love and blessings. May this be a beautiful year for you…
Maitri
Oh, but you didn’t fail! You won! You listened to your inner voice and respected what it said (or cried out). And you give your readers an example of how to listen to their inner voices.
And you still feel like you were not giving enough?
Dear Maitri, thank you again for all you have given me and so many others since I started following your blog!
Love and Blessings
Yours Silke
Thank you so much dear Silke, I appreciate your kind words so much and I really appreciate, too, that you are here, and that you take time to comment, and it means so much to me that my writing has helped you in some way. That affirmation is what I need to hear to keep going. Bless you so much for being here honey…
Maitri
Hi Maitri, I am keeping you in my heart and thoughts.
I am sending you lots of love and BIG BIG BIG hugs…
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much sweet Clo, talking to you yesterday, live, meant so much to me, it makes me feel less alone. I so appreciate you being here for me as I will always be for you. I am holding you close in my heart, always, and of course big hugs to you too…
Sending you much love! And sunshine, and birdsong… xxx
Thank you Jenny honey, that is lovely…