The Days, The Hours, The Moments: Day 60 ~ The Deepest Thing I Know…

Last night was a very sweet night. It was so wonderful having Noni here. My leg was bothering me. It had been too much being out so long doing errands. As Noni was running late I had time to take a shower and then settle in here to rest my leg up. She came in and it was so good to see her. She told me to rest and keep my leg up and she made our dinner.

When Noni is here it is like the whole place lights up. She came Friday/Saturday/Sunday for nearly a year and a half. It was one of the best times of my life. But then she couldn’t come like that any more and it broke my heart. Still, she has been such a precious friend to me, she has been here when I needed her. She was here the day Delilah was going downhill and would be gone the next day, she was with me at the hospital the day I found out about the blood clot, she is always here when it matters. Accepting the changed nature of our friendship has been hard for me. I wish she could be here all the time but that is not the way life works. I love her so much, cherish our friendship, and appreciate what we are able to have now.

We had the sweetest night. After a delicious dinner I made a fire in the fireplace and we watched White Christmas and it was wonderful as always. And one of the nicest things was that in the middle of the night when I had to get up to go potty I was able to go back to sleep without taking Xanax. Noni was asleep in the guest room. It was so good not to be alone.

This morning I got up at 9, took Pugsley out and fed him, and as we were coming back in Noni was up and cheerily telling us Good Morning! I made our coffee and we were able to be together until nearly noon when she had to leave. It was such a lovely time. I was deeply grateful that she had been able to be here with me. I go through something, inside myself, of a kind of grief when she leaves, but I am learning to let go and appreciate the time we do have. We made a date for another 2 weeks. She will come again and this time we are going to watch Meet Me In St. Louis. I love that movie. To hear Judy Garland sing “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” is one of the sweetest things ever.

After Noni left I walked Pugsley and then sat at my desk handling another 2 hours worth of phone calls, made appointments (The tree people are coming on Saturday to give estimates for the tree work that needs to be done; Thursday, after the fencing people come at 1 to give me an estimate for the insurance company for repairing the extensive damage to my back yard fence and gate I will go at 3 to have the oil changed and the car inspected so I can pay my yearly car taxes. The man helping me continue to clear out debris from the hurricane will come Saturday.) I look at the calendar for the week and it is not only full but there are multiple appointments on several days. This is not how my life usually goes and it is stressful and scary but I am forging ahead.

When finally all of the appointments were made I made my lunch, eggs and Canadian bacon. I have this pretty much every day and share a few bites with Pugsley, then we settled in here in the recliner so I could rest with my leg up for the afternoon. I settled in with my embroidery while listening, for the 3rd or 4th time, to Natalie Goldberg reading her book, The Great Spring. I love audio books. I like to read real books but being able to embroider and listen to a book is lovely. I studied with Natalie twice and have read and reread all of her books, 14 or so. It is like coming home.

I stitched the outlines of the flower, the inner and outer petals. I worked on this all afternoon, slowly, and in a relaxed fashion. It took me 3 days to do the leaves at the bottom. Next I will “color in” the flower petals. That’s what it feels like to me. Kind of painting the picture with needle and thread. I have tried for nearly 6 years to draw and paint but it never felt really comfortable. When I returned to needle and thread it, too, was like coming home. Fibers and textiles are my home. Working with my hands is the deepest thing I know.

Sadness and loneliness will creep in, but here is my sweet dog Pugsley, and I talked to my dear friend Jeff on the phone. I stitched and listened to Natalie read her book while the Christmas lights flickered in the studio. I texted with my daughters. I think about the holidays ahead when the children and grandchildren will be here and I feel happy. Next Sunday I will return to the church for the second time. I feel shy and a little afraid but I will go. And the work I am meant to do is humming in the back of my head. I feel afraid about money, especially this month, but also feel that I have gifts to offer and that all will be well. This is a scary time of year for finances but I have to trust that things will come together. I think that they will.

Now it is almost 9:00. I will get this post up, take Pugsley out, get ready for bed and return to our cozy spot with Pugsley snuggled in beside me and watch a movie and work at “coloring in” the petals of the flower. I have threads in all manner of beautiful colors in the box beside me with some chosen as possible petal colors. It is exciting to see how it all unfolds, and as I stitch slowly I am dreaming my way into the next design element on this “Heart & Hand” canvas. I have renewed my fiber name, my fiber domain name for another 2 years. I haven’t used it in some time. “Maitri’s Heart and Hands” is my fiber work. I don’t know where it will lead but it felt right. I am following my heart. And my hands. It is the the only way for me, it is the deepest thing I know. This I trust. I will follow where my heart leads me. I hope with a pen, notebook, needle and thread I will find my way…

Comments

  1. Dear Maitri,

    I am so glad you had such a lovely visit with Noni. It is so wonderful to have a friend like her.

    What a lovely blog. Yes there will be those down times for sure and the fearful ones. We all do. I was so depressed on Saturday I could hardly breathe but by evening I felt better and haven’t had it since. I didn’t fight it but sat with it and did things. Like I said, we all have those days. Does it help knowing this? I don’t know. It helps me and then I think how others have it harder. Does that help? I don’t know. What helps is just going with it, watching a movie, sending lots of love out on Facebook, maybe being able to feel gratitude.

    I love your hand and what you are doing with it. I have no patience for sewing or needlepoint. I admire this though.

    Hope you have a restful night and a good day tomorrow.

    Love, Jean

    • Thank you dear Jean. Again, I am so sorry you had such a hard day Saturday. You know, on the one hand it helps to know that I am not alone in these feelings, but on the other hand when you are going through the hard times you are lost in the feeling that you are alone in your suffering. I have dealt with this my whole adult life. I wish it were easier, I wish I could share a secret to make it easier for others, but it is just a very alone journey when you are in the deep dark times. But still, I do know, after all these years, that “this too shall pass.” It’s the only way one can bear it. I’m glad that the dark clouds lifted for you Saturday evening. I am, in this moment, at peace myself.

      I just walked Pugsley, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed, and am going to put on a movie. I don’t know which one yet but I will find something. I think I am too tired to do any more stitching tonight, but I may.

      The day has closed down and the night is before me. These, as you know all too well, are the hours that can be scary. I am hoping for a good night. I hope you have one too.

      I am sending you much love Jean, and a gentle warm hug. May the angels be ever near. May they night ahead be gentle, and may we find rest…

      Love,

      Maitri

  2. Paula Brown says

    Your embroidery is coming out beautiful. I’ve never been much for hand work but when I’m working on doll clothes or little girl dresses I’m in a special space. Time flies and the creative blood flows. Your visit with Noni sounds so sweet. A special friend is a life saver. I hope time flies until your next visit. Something to look forward to. So good night my friend.

    • Thank you so much dear Paula, your kind compliment means a lot coming from you. I so admire all your sewing efforts. And yes having Noni makes life sweeter and we have the loveliest times. She’s like a sister to me. We’ve known one another for 25 years. At this stage of life these friendships of long standing are precious and rare. I hope you had a lovely day and I hope your wee ferrets are doing well… 🙂

  3. Victoria SkyDancer says

    Boy howdy do I know about those days with multiple appointments! There are times I can get exhausted just looking at my calendar!
    This month, there are only a comparative handful of appointments (so far).
    We are expecting some rain starting tomorrow, so we did the grocery shopping today. I’m looking forward to having some slow rainy days…the closest we get to “snow days” in my part of SoCal.
    I send you Serenity from an open calendar and Rain Time, without the extra moisture. 🙂

    • Ah Victoria it’s nice that you have space in your calendar just now. Mine is busier than ever. I had to be up at 8 to get my day started for a repairman due here at 9 and the day just went like gangbusters from there on out. Therapy, errands, a pile of things to do when I got home, and now I’ve got less than an hour before I start dinner for Rachel and I but this is one of my favorite times, when my daughter comes once a week. And multiple appointments for each day the rest of the week. The rest of the weeks ahead will be busy for sure but not this packed with appointments. I scheduled like this to try to get a ton of things done before it got close to Christmas so I could just concentrate on mostly the holiday things since my out of town kids and grandkids will be in. But though tiring it feels really good to be getting a lot of things done and as I tick each thing off the list there is such a feeling of accomplishment. Onwards and upwards and away we go. Enjoy your rain and peaceful days. Much love to you dear sister…

  4. How I admire you, Maitri, with your multi-talents. I am so glad your day was peaceful. Hugs, Memarge

    • Thank you Marge honey, I am enjoying embroidering so much, it is like painting with a needle and thread. It is exciting, and at the same time very peaceful and relaxing.

      I hope your holidays are lovely, may many miracles and blessings find their way to you…

  5. katya Taylor says

    ooh, your hand and flower are coming along so beautifully. i admire your very neat, compressed, embroidery skills. Mine are a little more jagged. Three days to fill in the leaves, wow!

    i have never seen Meet me in St. Louis. I’m going to talk Tom into watching it with me tonight!

    AND i have my holiday letter to write… am looking for an “angle…”
    like a 700 word story???!!! hmmm

    I know about too many things on the calendar. So inbetween, breathe, listen to music, take a nap with your leg up. i am still at 10″30 in my robe! xo ka

  6. Sweet Katya, thank you for your kind words about my embroidery. I am just loving it so much. It is far more comfortable and “right” for me than drawing and painting which I could do in my own way but it was always more of an effort than something I did with ease and not the pleasure stitching is. This is the sweetest pleasure.

    And oh yes, Meet Me In St. Louis. You know its so funny Noni and I just made a date to watch it in a couple of weeks and then when I was driving home from therapy and errands in an interview on public radio in the car they were talking about this very movie and what a truly wonderful movie it is. I love it so much. Noni and I both love the old classic movies.

    And I am looking so forward to your holiday letter. It is always one of the great joys of the season for me and I have 2 different pictures of you all saved from your holiday letters on my desk in my studio. They mean so much to me.

    Yes I am resting with my leg up and about to write today’s blog post. Rachel will be here soon and I will make us dinner and we will have our sweet evening together. My favorite night of the week, when she is here.

    I have been missing you and I hope we can talk soon, I would love that…

    Love you sweet sister,

    M. xoxox

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