The Days, The Hours, The Moments: Day 274 ~ “Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming,” And Know When It’s Time To Get Out Of The Pool…

In my last post 2 days ago I wrote “Just keep going…” and in the last 2 days that’s exactly what I have done. Well, Wednesdays are my days out and Rachel is here in the evenings so I didn’t paint that day but yesterday I worked so long and so hard by the time I was just plain flat out there was nothing left in me to write a blog post with. I.was.flat.out.

I started in again today. After a fashion I posted a few photos on Instagram and Facebook about my progress. It was a joyful return to Maisie’s world and I was so grateful to finally be doing it all, but I kept working and working at it until I was bleary eyed and it seemed like that old phrase, “the hurrieder I go the behinder I get.” I did a few household chores. I started in again. I looked at the clock. It was near 8. My brain was getting all wonkified because I really wanted to finish this painting tonight and I.just.didn’t.think.I.could.go.on. And then all of a sudden I thought of something and it made me laugh out loud.

When my now 15 year old grandson Lucas was tiny I used to babysit him 2 or 3 times a week when Rachel was in graduate school. We watched lots of videos. The favorite ones we watched over and over again and one of the absolute favorites was Finding Nemo. And there was Dory, that adorable, confused little fish whose voice was done by Ellen DeGeneres and I could hear her in my head today encouraging her friend, telling him that when life got tough all he had to do was just keep swimming. And she sang this little song to him over and over. I looked up the video and it made me laugh out loud, and I sang it to myself as I started painting again.

In the end it was getting late enough that I knew I couldn’t finish it tonight. Not and do a blog post and I missed doing one yesterday. I came so close, and I will finish it tomorrow, but I just had to stop. When the going gets tough we can just keep on swimming, but we also have to know when it’s time to get out of the pool.

My mental health cannot withstand pushing too hard. It can lead me straight into a bipolar flareup or a plain old fashioned collapse, like the air going out of all the tires at once without a gas station in sight. It can be hard to recover from. The last 2 weeks I have struggled hard to do things that I thought I should do but really am just not meant to do. I have been taking a hard look at my life and re-evaluating all kinds of things. Things like my relationship with social media as I wrote about earlier in the week, and knowing that, even though I have brought it up numerous times I will not again make the mistake of thinking Patreon is a good option for me. It simply is not. And it would be just so swell to have a real business, even a small one, like others are doing in the course I’m taking, and some of what I’m learning will help me when Maisie’s book is really finished, but creating a business is not what I’m meant to do.

What I have done is return to Maisie’s world which is where I’m meant to be. And it has been a gigantic, scary struggle. And I wanted to get more done than I did but I got really far. The thing is there are so many other things I also have to do. Tomorrow Nick will be back to work on my roof again, and dear Eleanor who helps me in the house a couple of times a month will be here. And then there’s the garden. I am just overwhelmed to the point of tears trying to figure all of this out but Rachel said she would help me. You see the thing is the garden got so big (That was really kind of bipolary too, sigh…). I mean its been grand and all, and I’m really glad to be gardening again, but gardening this extensively in pots with winter coming on poses lots of problems. What can be brought inside? What will just die? (Of course the annuals will, but if things are planted in the ground they are protected come winter, they die back and come back in the spring. But if things are in pots I’m very uncertain what to do about watering. And my yard man, Dennis, who I was delighted to find after losing my yard man of two years whom I had really loved, and who came and did such an amazing job late September literally came twice and quit. And the weeds are growing up terribly around the pots and things really need to be taken care of out there and, and, and….

You see, I’m spinning again. And I’m scared about it all. But I will figure it out. One way or another I always do. As Marie Forleo says, “Everything is figureoutable.” (I have that on a post-it note on my computer.)

I have to go back to my friend the snail. I created a graphic years ago of a snail that says “How slow can you go?” I’m going to have to go slower. I’m going to have to let things go, not get things done, and trust that as Maisie has stayed present in my life all this time she is going to continue to and the pace at which her world will be created will be exactly what is right for her. How could it be any other way? Maisie is my alter ego. She is agoraphobic, yes, but she is challenged with mental health issues as I am and what that means is that you have to create a world that works for you but deeper — and as I am typing these words now I am feeling that this is what the next painting will need to deal with in some way — you just have to keep course correcting along the way to keep getting back on track. We all do really, but when you deal with mental health issues ongoing it is absolutely essential. I think that’s what I am going to have to spend the next few days doing.

So that’s what I will leave you with as we end the week together. Just keep swimming when you can, and get out of the pool when you need to. It’s the only way I can survive. I’m glad I remembered that.

Oh, and I just have to share something with you before I go because I watched just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life this morning on YouTube. There are 3 of these little videos and oh please, DO, watch them all! They are called “Marcel The Shell With Shoes On.” and I fell so in love with them and they made me laugh so much I shared the first 2 on Facebook (I was actually a little shy to share the third one after already sharing two, but it was so good it made me kind of cry at the end…) but you’ve GOT to see these. Oh please go watch them and tell me what you think. These are things to watch when you really need something to light you up. I am in love with Marcel and will return to see him often. And with that I will blow you a kiss and bid you adieu.

Until Monday, be kind to yourself, take very special care, and know that if you are here you matter more to me than you will ever know. I am hugging you real big. Goodnight for now…