I don’t like to write about being depressed. I feel like people will just be thinking “Yeah yeah, heard it before, doesn’t she have anything else to write about?” Uhm, right now? No.
My best friend will remind me that this happens to me at the beginning of every summer. My meds collide with the intense coastal heat and my body just kind of shuts down. Right now walking a few steps across the floor can be excruciating. My feet don’t want to move and parts of my body really hurt, in a “it hurts to even sit in this chair” kind of way. My body is not currently my friend, but I am trying to love my way back to it and ease into it gently.
I remember hearing people talking about depression and all they understood was that a depressed person felt sad. Clinical depression is so very much more than this. It is physical, biochemical, it affects the brain in myriad ways, the physical body doesn’t work right and the tiniest thing can send one into a flood of tears that won’t stop, for hours, for days. It makes me feel weak and ashamed but that isn’t helpful. Everything is terrifying and well meaning folk — I have done it myself — try to cheer the person up sure that just the right, cheerful platitude will make all the difference. It doesn’t. It can and usually does make you feel worse than before.
I slept off and on most of the day yesterday. I take care of all of my animals and that’s all I’ve gotten done but it’s the most important thing. Last night I howled in pain. It was as though a semi was heading right for me and I couldn’t stop it, I could only howl in pain on impact. I curled up in a ball and wept.
Why do I write about this? I can tell you that today I am writing this for myself. And if it helps anyone else that would be wonderful but right now I am just barely holding on and I am crying again as I write this and I think if I can just track it, take one baby step at a time and write it down and see that no matter how badly I feel I am still here then I can hold on another minute, a half hour, an hour, a day. And I know from experience that the days will pass and I will feel better.
I think this week’s downturn was my appt. with my new therapist. I like her a lot but we didn’t get down to the real therapy — we will next week — because the first appointment is an intake appt. and after a half hour of filling out paperwork she interviewed me asking me questions about everything from when I was real little and being abused by not 1 but 2 men. I had to go through it all, and everything up to the present. All the pain, all the sorrow, all the different therapies and drugs, and on and on. I left just literally as if I were road kill left behind that semi. When you are 61 and the abuse started at 4 and you had to go over everything from there to here, well, it’s a lot and most of it I don’t think about anymore. I have to deal with the physical and emotional effects as well as the several diagnoses that bloomed out of it all, but to go back over every gruesome detail was awful. The next day I had an appt. with the psychiatric nurse practitioner to go over my meds. I have been flattened ever since.
Today it is as if the inside of my house is one of those rock climbing set ups and I have to find hand holds and foot holds to move around at all and sometimes I slip and it looks like a long way down. I hold on sometimes frantically afraid to move, to go forward or back, and I cling fast and I cry.
This is worse than it has been for some time. I go back to her on Wednesday and am praying for a miracle. And I am asking you for prayers and good thoughts and good wishes. This just isn’t the kind of post I like to write but today I am writing it in an effort to hold on. There I go, crying again. This is just plain burdensome. I want to do it all with more grace than this. I am praying for a space of grace.
I apologize for this post and hope you will understand. I am holding on and pray that I will soon find my way out of this dark forest. There are ghosts and evil spirits from my past in here and I can’t get away quickly enough…
Sending you cooler weather and a gold star for that intake appt. I SO get it.
Hey, at least you’re not a “feelings hoarder” like me, ha!
Hugs and love from here,
Denise
ps. Man, your borders look really cool
Thank you so much Merri, and thanks for your comment about the new design. Gotta change it up every now and again! Blessings and love to you dearheart… <3
Dearest Maitri I am praying for you so that your indomitable strength and grace will once again fill your spirit and your being. I have been where you are now and I hold you close to my heart. Starting with a new therapist is always tough…dredging everything up yet again. Please know how much you are loved by me and by so many others. This too shall pass and all will be well. With love and a big hug from me ❤️❤️❤️
Darling Donna, thank you so much and I am sending so much love right back to you dear friend… <3 <3 <3
Thank you both so much…. <3
Dearest Maitri
It doesn’t matter what you write….we are here for you. I’m sorry that life is chaotic and going down a rocky path for you at the moment, it won’t be for long I’m sure. Just breathe, hug your babies and hold on. Obviously writing is your therapy, we are only too pleased to be here to help you. Lots of love
Olive xxxx
hugs and prayers to you, sweetie! So sorry you’re having a rough time-I do know what depression is like; sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed when nothing’s really “wrong” and that makes me feel worse-so hard somehow to just accept it’s an illness like diabetes or high blood pressure and there’s no shame in it, but that is the truth! You write anything you want-your honesty is like a breath of fresh air even when it’s not all butterflies and rainbows!
I understand how difficult this is having fallen down the rabbit hole myself a few times, so hard to climb back up…Holding you in my prayers, hoping you see the light and sunshine soon!
Thank you so much Diva honey, and the sun came upon the horizon and is now flooding in the windows thanks to all the prayers and love from you beautiful souls. Many blessings to you always….
Oh, Maitri, you brought up something so very important. People think when you’re deoressed, you’re just sad, weepy, etc. And you are right, there is so much more. Feeling overwhelmed, unable to focus., doubting everything I tend to procrastinate when depressed. For 2 weeks I have had fabric for a project for a client’s little girl’s school uniforms. It does involve a technique I am not well versed in and I have not been able to bring myself to start – oh, I have it cut out and have read the isntructions over and over. I have watched tutorials. The sewing room was quite cluttered from the last project so I thought if it were straightened up it would feel less overwhelming…… Just another way of just not doing it. I so understand your dilemma. To make life even more stressful in 2 weeks we are having 8 couples over for a barbecue and fun times. I have to clean house. I’m sort of keeping up with it on the surface but oh, it needs some deep cleaning. I’m cringing. so I do understand. I do. Both of us, all of us, will get through the tough times and it is comforting to know each of us is not alone. thank you Maitri and the rest of the sisters for the support. Thoughts and prayers to each of you.
We will get through this sweet Paula, one way or the other. I send you so much love… <3
Dear Maitri, We can only be where we are. To tell the truth of that is vital. I really don’t know, at age 70, if I could tell “my story” one more time. Frankly, I think there are some forms of therapy that are actually re-traumatizing. It sounds as though this experience was one of those. I see many hands here reaching to assist you in rising, away from pain, away from old feelings. Can you visualize us as that, agents of a benevolent universe who, through words and loving thoughts, have come to assist? We are here. Sending love, Marylinn
Thank you sweet Marylinn, I am working hard at doing just that… <3
Oh you beautiful souls, you’ve no idea how much your prayers and good wishes mean to me and have already meant in my life. I had an easier night and slept a little better last night and a gentler day today. I’m very tired but easier in heart.
God bless each and every one of you and may you find blessings in abundance in your lives.
So much love…
Maitri
Sending you prayers and light and hope that it helps. Your blog is amazing, like you.
Robin Langston-Saylor said it on your FB page “You should never apologize for how you feel…” Your truth is your heart and this is “Maitri’s Heart”. Yes, it will pass, but for right now, know that you are loved.
Thank you so much Jacqualine Marie, you are very dear and your kind words mean more than you could possibly know. Thank you so much… <3
I know I. Late reading this, but I see your first ‘real’ appointment with the therapist was today. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a tough day, so wanted to send love and strength.
Thank you so much, how very thoughtful of you. I was supposed to go today but they called and rescheduled me for next Tuesday. Disappointing and a relief all at once! I will certainly carry your loving gesture with me when I go….
Blessings,
Maitri
You wrote. You painted. Positive steps both. Others nailed it when they said it doesn’t matter what you write. You are real, honest, true to yourself and those that like you. I do understand how you’re feeling and when I have been there I’m lucky to write one word. Sending you healing energy and hugs. We are there for you not just in your good times but the darkness too. <3
As I read of your struggles, I think of that wry, wonderful book, Hyperbole and a Half. I re-read her chapter on depression last night. Although she expresses it differently from you, some of what she says leaps out at me as I read your words. The creative act is a powerful response to depression, which does its best to keep us from doing anything.