I have been away from this blog for awhile. I came through a long dark night of the soul, swallowed nearly whole with depression and severe anxiety that culminated with the Mobile Crisis Unit being called out and a serious doctor’s appointment that ended up with changed medications and the changing of doctors and many weeks when life did not seem livable. I have survived this dark time, I am resurfacing, and I am returning to my own Eden, with a worn, oversized, comfortable chair, books, no more television (I got rid of cable.) and a garden and a life that needed taming and tending. I am beginning again. I have a long way to go.
There were weeks and weeks when life was so bleak that all I could do was to hide in my chair under my old soft blanket with my three pugs and cry into their fur. I didn’t know how I would go on but I knew that go on I must. Without the constant support of my beloved daughter Rachel, the rest of my family and close friends, and an amazing woman from the Mobile Crisis Unit who, after coming to my home one night when things were at their darkest, stayed on to follow my case, go with my daughter and I to the doctor, and she went personally to the clinic where I had been going but wasn’t taken care of for three days running when I called and couldn’t get any help when I was in terrible crisis. She became my advocate and my champion. And the tides turned, and things began to change. Today I am more at peace than I had imagined I could be, I am getting better, I am taking steps into a new life.
I have been reading old, much loved books that have soothed my spirit and calmed my soul, the books of Gladys Taber.(They were mostly written from the 1930’s to the 1950’s and 1960’s on up until about 1980, are out of print, but most of them are available still through amazon and libraries.) These books are filled with gentle philosophy, life with dogs, and gardening and cooking, life in the country, and so much more. It’s the Stillmeadow books you want to look for, and more delightful, lovely books I’ve never known. Inside the covers of these books are lists of dates when I have read and reread them. They have steered me through the years and have been incredibly healing in these hard, hard times.
And then, finally, and maybe most important of all, I have returned to the garden. I am a natural gardener by nature, have created many gardens, studied gardening, had a vast gardening library and wrote about gardening in magazines and newspapers. Tending a garden was at the core of my being, and when I bought this place in January 2010 I not only began immediately to garden but I created a magical world here. There was the Magic Ship that I have written about here on the blog, a giant, life-sized magical ship a previous owner had built for their children that I had restored and painted hot pink, orchid, and orange. One charming shed was painted the same colors and another shed painted lime green and cherry pink. I had 2 picket fence gardens built, one candy pink, and another lime green. And the gardens were filled with magical life-sized animals, and glass houses that held a great many roses and other plants. People would come and tell me it looked like a Dr. Seuss garden. Pure magic. And it was. I planted 60 roses, mostly old fashioned roses, and thousands of bulbs, it was captivating, and I spent most of my days working in the garden with my pugs ambling about the grounds around me. There was an enchanting pot garden on my large deck just off my studio filled with herbs and roses and all manner of plants. I was so happy here. But it all came to an end the night of February 5, 2014, the night of the fire. The house burned, the pot garden on the deck was destroyed by the firemen desperately trying to put out the raging fire from 7 p.m. until nearly 1 a.m., the plants on the front porch were destroyed, and, one week later, in an ice storm, my beloved Magic Ship was crushed by a huge falling tree. By then I was living in a hotel with my dogs. It would be over 8 months until I returned and my garden, with lack of watering in this terribly hot climate, and lack of care, had mostly died or been taken over with weeds.
When I arrived back home after the house had been rebuilt the deck was a mass of broken pots, shards everywhere, and dead plants. The Magic Ship which had stood majestic in one whole corner of the large garden had been torn down and was gone. It looked like a ghost garden. I went inside, heartbroken, closed the door behind me, and stopped gardening altogether. I just couldn’t face it. Over a year ago I put the house on the market. It looked at first as though the house might sell quickly and the garden was still filled with garden art, giant animals, the glass houses, and more, and I didn’t know what to do with everything. I hired men to come out and clean everything out and carry it off. When the head man said, “How much do you want us to take?” I said, “Take everything, I want it to look like no one ever gardened here.” And at the end of a long day with truckloads of stuff carted off the landscape was barren save for the sheds, the picket fence gardens, now empty, and roses that grew all along the fence but though alive due to lack of feeding and care barely bloomed at all. It was devoid of life with little left of the magical garden that had existed. It broke my heart. I said I would never garden again.
Time passed. The house did not sell, and through a long string of events it came to pass that I would stay here, and there have been times that I looked out over the garden that was and cried. How could it all have been so magical and now be gone? And after the fire I had neither the money or the energy to create, once more, what I had once created. And a year went by, and more, and I have been struggling just to survive. But, gardens do not leave your soul, and there are remnants of what was still. I designed and had built waist high raised beds in the shape of a U. They had once been beautiful filled with little perennials and herbs, a fairy garden, but they were mostly dead and terribly overgrown. Could I reclaim them? Would I? Did I have it in me?
My dear friend Noni talked to me a lot about them. If I could just start with the raised beds… And I said maybe, but I just couldn’t begin. A week ago, with new medication helping stabilize me and raise my spirits I went out and looked at those raised beds. Maybe I would just pull a weed or two. But in one morning I had weeded one whole long side. A couple of days more and I had weeded and pruned downed two more sides. My old fashioned violets were still alive, and my beloved dianthus, “Bath’s Pinks,” a very old variety that had taken over nearly one whole side still put out a few flowers. I pruned them back hard and everything else was scrupulously weeded. There was a giant pile of weeds and detritus on the ground in the middle of the raised beds. I did it. The garden had called to me and called to me and finally I returned, to this one small area. I began again. And it felt incredible.
Since then I have talked to a man who has helped me out here about bringing a tiller to till the green gated garden so I can plant there. I am going to get herbs to plant in the raised beds and the rest will be bulbs and seeds. And just yesterday I ordered rose pruning gloves because one side of the green picket fence is covered down the whole length of it with a rose that bloomed so gloriously this year it was not to be believed but it is terribly overgrown and the thorns are wicked bad. And all of the roses blooming down one whole side of the yard that barely put out blooms have been calling to me. It will take me weeks to reclaim the roses but I ordered 3 bags of rose food and I will, one by one, prune the roses back hard and feed them all. It will take time, I can only move in baby steps right now, but I am babystepping my way, I am gardening again, and something in me has awakened. I have returned to my Eden. My own little corner of the world. And it will never be what it once was but it doesn’t have to be. Every garden I have planted has been different. So, too, this one. And one day there will be another pot garden on the deck, when I can find pots at thrift shops, flea markets, or garage sales, and when I can afford the bags of soil to fill them with. Yes, it will take time but where am I going? I am only 63. The garden is my chapel. I will pray here and create a whole new place to worship. It is a miracle. I am in awe.
Three weeks ago I didn’t know what would become of me. I was afraid there was no life left for me. Today I am full of hope, and there is joy trickling in around the edges. I read, I play with my pugs, I go out into the garden. I am imagining a whole new world, right here where I live, I have hope for the future, something I have not had in a long time. Something in me died the night of the fire. Three and a half years later I am coming back to life. I am joyous as I write that, in a nearly dark room with small pugs sleeping and snoring around me. We have a new life, the pugs and I, and we will not waste a moment of it. I have returned to Eden, and here I plan to stay.
Gardening is a magical activity, I think. May you continue on in your garden — remember how you told me that I could create a new garden, bringing forward what was the best (and remembered) as I moved to a new place.
It’s true, as well, in the same place, as one creates a new garden from the remnants of the past, as we lose plants and plant new ones in their place.
Hugs, LW
Thank you so much Lisa honey. There’s just nothing like gardening, no other activity so completely involves the heart, mind, body and soul. I believe I will make great leaps forward in my healing on many levels now that I am gardening again, even babystepping it along. Just having my hands in the soil felt so good. I am deeply grateful to have found my way back.
Blessings to you honey, and lots of love…
Maitri
What a brace , valiant woman you are: to tell the pain & sadness of your story with such clarity.
It sounds like you have undergone a resurrection after the grief & devastation of the fire.
Gardens feed the soul & are the therapy that provides healing , groundedness, & hope.
Blessings to you for sharing your truth.
Kristin, I am so sorry, I just found this comment! You are truly so kind and I appreciate your comment so much. It has been a long journey but finally healing and moving forward with your life again does indeed happen. I send you love and blessings, I hope you are well, and I hope you will visit again soon…
i am SO GLAD to hear from you, Maitri. And sorry you went thru such a dark night of the soul. But look what rose from the ashes. YOU and YOUR GARDEN. I totally get the healing power of a garden. I glory in each and every bud, flower, veggie, fruit in my Haiku Garden homestead. I can’t even imagine life without a garden. What a beautiful way to “begin again.” I honor you. I can just see the roses saying, hurray, Maitri is back, she loves us again! And you know love is the greatest healer!!! So onward, dear sister. Sending bountiful hugs
xo
ka
Thank you so much darling Ka…
It does feel so good to be back in the garden, even just taking baby steps to begin again, just having my hands in the dirt feels wonderful. And weeding and pruning do something to you too, they ground the soul. It’s hard to be anxious when you are busily tending and taming a garden, you are tending and taming yourself too.
And good luck to you with your new book. I know it is just wonderful. Congratulations dearheart. I love you so…
Maitri
Welcome back, dear Maitri! You were very missed here & I’m so happy you’re back to writing (one your many talents!). You hit on several thoughts that jumped off the page & spoke to me.
First, you said you were starting again! This is one of the magical things in life, the ability to begin again, change & grow! Then, you talked about the garden being your temple! At most, my garden is a pot or two on my apartment’s patio, but that’s ok, because simply being under the blue sky with a warm breeze is my church, too!
Glad you’re feeling better!
Thank you so much Susan honey, it’s good to be missed and I really missed being here but I was in survival mode and just trying to get through each day. These days are better, and planning and working in the garden is just wonderful.
And yes, pots on a patio make a wonderful garden. Wherever there are green growing things there is something holy. Enjoy your little garden, let it feed you. We shall garden together… 🙂
Hugs,
Maitri
I have been missing you. Was a bit worried. So happy when I opened my email. You will be okay. I love the picture of your yellow chair in the garden. Did you pain that sweet art? Love + prayers from my heart to your heart.?
Hello sweet Kathleen…
I have missed being here too. It feels so good to be blogging again and I hope to keep blogging regularly with pictures of my new gardening efforts. And no I didn’t paint the picture at the top. I use a graphic service that I buy, inexpensively, graphics to use for the blog now and again. It is from there. And I so appreciate the love and prayers, they mean so much.
Blessings to you dearheart…
Maitri
I wondered where you were. Now I know you were being reborn!
Hello Dear Marge…
Yes, here I am, finally, easing my way back in. And yes, it is a rebirth. It was so hard for so long I am tentative, not making big plans and grand announcements for fear that the hard days will creep back in. I don’t want to jinx this new time of blossoming that feels such a relief. So I take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and I step gently through the day. Thank you so much for being there, it means more than you know.
Blessings and love to you dearheart…
Maitri
Oh Maitri, this is such great news!❤️ I am so deeply happy for you. There is something so calming about tending to a garden and it feels so fabulous when the weeding is done.
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
Oh sweet Ellie it is so good to see you here, and thank you so much my darling friend. And yes, there is truly something so calming and healing in the garden. And I love the Hugo quote, that meant a lot to me, thank you for sharing it.
I look at my doll every day and she makes me feel so loved. Thank you so much for being such a special part of my life…
Love to you dearheart…
Maitri
Omg (((Maitri)))…it is wonderful to ‘hear’ your written story. I myself, and going through new counselors and getting to a new psychiatrist hopefully as soon as This Friday, when I go back to see my second therapist, who has carefully listened to me and not judged me like the last one. I know in my body when someone is listening to me to help me and when they’re not. Being an empath has helped me in many ways. Being an empath without knowing how to shield other energies coming at me, not always the best of times as a RN in my life. I am still learning however. And I’m not done yet with my nursing career.
I am being very positive and looking forward with what is to come. I am still trying in my own small ways to fight against the current president. It’s not easy either, but democracy is worth more than what he thinks it is worth. Thank you for reading, and sorry for my own complains that don’t mean as much as I think they should.
Oh my dear Katie, I am so sorry that you have been having a hard time. During these times it is hard to see the light of day, to get up each morning and just continue on, but continue on we must. I am so glad that you are seeing new people who might better meet your needs and I am hoping and praying that all will go well for you honey. I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug and wishes for all good things to come your way. Bless you honey…
Maitri
Dear Maitri,
I am sad to read about new hardship and I admire your resilience and how you rebuild your life time and again. That you don’t give up no matter how hard life hit you. This is truely inspiring.
I wish you health, peace and joy.
Love from Switzerland,
Corinna
Oh thank you so much Corinna, it is so lovely to hear from you honey. Times have indeed been very hard but what is there but to keep on going, to rise and rise again? I hope life is going well for you in Switzerland. I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug…
Maitri
Bless you and your garden Maitri. May you find serenity there after this particularly difficult time. <3
Joan
Thank you so much Joan, you are very dear and that means a lot to me…
Blessings to you honey…
Maitri