Oh things they are a’changing, and why, and why I will seldom be on social media any more…

Well, no, you haven’t been hearing from me and there’s a reason. I have been writing, right along, about my increasing disabilities, my problem with falling and needing to wear a “Fall Pendant” 24/7, and many of the things I can no longer do, like garden, or carrying my grandbaby in my arms (I must sit in a chair to hold her) and so very many more things, and before the holidays I sold my car because I can no longer drive, and the list goes on and on. But things have gotten much worse the last few months and a lot of changes have been being made in my life and I am now receiving, or about to begin receiving, benefits I didn’t even know existed (or that I qualified for.) It’s been a bit of a shock.

In October after I took 3 bad falls in less than 2 weeks and not only the EMT’s but the fire department were called in to get me up because they were afraid they would hurt me getting me up, we all knew I had crossed a threshold into a whole new territory and changes were needing to be made. My doctor set me up with in-home physical therapy which I am still having since October, but also ocupational therapy (to help me be set up to live more safely in my home) and for nearly 3 months, until my shower was set up with equipment to help me shower more safely, a woman came in once a week to bathe me (I was mortified, but grateful.) Literally my whole house was turned around because I can no longer sleep in the Cozy Room next to my studio — it’s too far from the bathroom and the falls in the middle of the night were mainly from me trying to get from one end of the house to the other to go potty. Lordy it was humiliating!) And yes, I am going to be very honest to the point of sometimes TMI (too much information) because what I have learned is that there are a lot of older people like me who are sorely in need and have no idea these kind of services exist. Medicare pays for all the in-home help I got. But in the process of all of this happening, a whole lot more has had to change.

For one thing everything is such a tremendous effort, it’s hard for me to even get up out of a chair, I have 2 rollator walkers in my house because the back part of the house was added on at some point before I bought it and there are 4 steps from the back of the house where my studio and Cozy Room are (The Cozy Room is now completely empty!) and I can’t get the rollator, which I need to get around at all, up and down those stairs. It’s heavy, and a godsend. I can no longer stand for long and must use a rollator (much bigger and stronger than a usual walker and it has a seat in case I am giving out or getting dizzy I can stop and sit down, and even a basket under the seat to transport things you’d have had to carry.)…

But 4 weeks ago, when I disappeared from social media, it was because (and I have to do everything in my kitchen sitting in my rollator) I was cooking and splashed hot oil all the way up one arm, both hands, and even on my chest. They were 2nd degree burns, they hurt worse than anything I can ever remember, and I will be badly scarred for life. This scared everyone. That was 4 weeks ago, and I have been so afraid to cook some days I’ve barely eaten, or ordered out which I can’t really afford to do often living on social security. And then a miracle occurred.

Back in October when I fell 3x in such a short period of time Rachel, my daughter that lives here in town, got me put on a waiting list with Health and Human services for in-home care. All we thought they did was send someone in once a week to do “light housekeeping.” Well holy honkin’ hallelujah they do that and a whole lot more. The woman was here for 2 1/2 hours evaluating me, my home, my finances and medical information and a boatload more. And that’s when she told me — among so many other things that I can’t remember them all! — that I qualify for “Meals on Wheels” 7 days a week, and there is much more help available to me than I ever knew existed, and she will be re-evaluating me every 3 months to chart where I am physically. I am not about to die (God willing!) but when the time comes that the end times are near and I am in the “yellow zone or red zone” when someone would have been put in a nursing home, THEY bring everything in here into my house so I have all the help I need and can stay at home. I am dizzy trying to remember all the things she said that they do but essentially anything I need for my welfare they have access to and will get for me.

Who knew this kind of help was available? Not me. You qualify, it seems, on both your physical condition and financial resources, and with only social security it put me in a position to be put on the list. The thing is it is not a huge organization so I have been on the waiting list for so long I completely forgot Rachel put me on the list and I had no idea who these people were and why they were coming!

Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks, how this affects my work and life online. I am blessed in that because I can sit here at my desk I can read, write, draw and paint, and so on. I am working on a book which my Patrons at Patreon are helping support me to do, plus create art I plan to begin selling this year, but the thing is, by now I think we all know about The Spoon Theory, I have a very limited number of spoons (Units of energy to get through a day. Brushing my teeth takes a spoon, for example.) and just the daily chores of living on the most basic level take most of your spoons. That being the case I have no choice but to live and do my work in a way that I can survive, be okay, and do the work I want to get done with my book and art.

For more than 20 years I have kept blogs, did tons of things for free and shared countless things on social media. Of course in the beginning social media was a much smaller, cozier place and you really made friends and I have some very dear friends I made this way. It’s also a good way to keep up with friends and family. This, and only this, is the reason I am not closing all of my social media accounts completely, not to provide content, but to stay close to people I love, and see the work of other artists I admire.

The people who have supported me at Patreon for 2 1/2 years now, even though we are a fairly small group, have literally saved me. Not just financially (You can join for as little as $5 a month, the price of a cup of coffee these days.) but they have shown me such love and support and kindness they have kept me going when I didn’t think I could. I don’t leave my house and haven’t since last fall. They have given me a reason, many a day, to feel that I could even get up. I have lived with lifelong mental health issues due to long term child abuse, bipolar disorder, PTSD, depression, severe anxiety, and agoraphobia, I have weekly therapy online and am on several meds, but the combination of mental illness and physical disability are, well, just plain brutal, and carrying on getting hurt and weaker moreso all the time has made me have to make some hard decisions.

I have decided that while I will not close my social media accounts I will rarely be there except to check on people I love, not to provide free content, writings and the rest. I need help. I seriously need help. And I have very little energy to do what needs to get done. I am in close touch with my Patrons, they probably know me better than anyone else because I write to them nearly daily, not just my worries and woes mind, but the kinds of things I have always written on my blogs and shared on social media. They get free art downloads every month and a whole lot more and I am always adding new things to share with them in thanks for supporting me to do my work, and they are my angels. Also, I used to blog daily, since I began this downward spiral 3 years or so ago I have barely had the energy to blog at all. I have been doing this blog since 2007 and have had well over 2 million visits to my blog and it has been my great joy, I have shared it everywhere all over social media, I have done as much as I could do to promote my messages which were about loving-kindness and compassion, how to cope with life with mental illness and still have a positive, productive life, and now, these last years, how to cope with aging and disability and still, despite the circumstances, have found a way to live comfortably and happily (most days), and I have shared the resources I have found so that others might find the help they need. I will still be doing this work but there are only two ways to see it.

First of all to see everything and receive all of my writings previously public you will need to join Patreon. I can no longer nor am I willing to give my work away for free because I just don’t have the energy to do it and I sorely need the help. The other way you can hear from me is by joining my mailing list to receive notices of new blogs being published and other things I share only with my mailing list. You get a free e-Book to join, it doesn’t cost you anything, you won’t miss the blogs, and it takes you about 2 minutes to sign up. Both information about Patreon and how to join the mailing list are in the right-hand column of this site.

I cannot stress how important this is for me. There are days I can’t work at all, and days that I produce a lot for my Patrons. I share my art process with them along the way and we talk about many things. Their help during what has been the most difficult, sad, heartbreaking time of my life has made me realize that I am now only going to devote my work to them, with a blog post here and there.

This has been a very hard decision for me to make. I will be 69 on April 30 and while I knew with time and growing older I would be able to do less and less things, I have been shocked that just past my 65th birthday I began a decline that has been shocking and scary for my whole family. I am doing what I can and need to do to be okay. I hope you can understand. I love you all dearly and have appreciated your presence in my life over the years but the day comes when changes have to be made. I told my Patrons the other day it reminds me of a line from one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books, “The time has come, the time is now, Marvin K. Mooney will you please go NOW.” Not completely away. I may pop in now and again, I will share the art I am going to sell, but really Patreon has become a loving supportive community that keeps me going emotionally and gives me the much needed support that has kept me going through some pretty perilous times. I invite you to join us, I appreciate your considering supporting me in this way, and after all the years, more than 20, that I have been trying to help people online, perhaps now you would like to continue to receive my writings, art and other content at Patreon. Again, you can join the mailing list for free to be notified about blog posts which will happen occasionally. Patreon and writing my book are the best use of my spoons. Now, I have no other choice.

Thank you for your many years of love, kindness, and support. I hope you can understand, and I would be deeply grateful if you would join us.

Blessings and love to one and all, and I will be continuing to be writing about my journey, resources I find, and ways to be of help and service on Patreon.