“It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we do not know at all that it is the same with others.”
Sheldon Vanauken
This drawing came up from somewhere at the bottom of my soul. As soon as I started drawing her face tears welled up in my eyes. For she is me, and we have been very lost, yet we are coming through dark days again and better than I could describe it are the words above. Though I am 68 and you are whatever age you are, though I have been dealing with increasing physical disabilities and issues, you, too, have your burdens to carry. I had a very hard doctor’s appointment last Thursday and came home with a bag full of meds and some pretty significant changes in the care of this aging body, and it shook me to my core, but the days go on, as yours do for you. What is helping me most is to realize that I am not alone. As Vanauken wrote “it is the same with others.” I think when we can speak our truth, knowing that someone is listening and caring, our burdens are somehow lightened, and we feel less alone. I am reaching out to you so that you know you are not alone. I am here for you.
I have been doing this work online for over 25 years, before blogs and social media were a thing. I have grown as have we all, I have had a number of blogs, but this blog, Maitri’s Heart, is now 16 years old and truly is my heartwork. And this blog is something I plan to be more active with, supported by my Patrons at Patreon, some of which will be in the book I’m writing. But more than that, now that I am determined to continue on, come what may, to the best of my ability, I want to reiterate something that I’ve said all along.
When I write these blog posts I am writing to you, and I would love to hear from you. If you feel alone and you just need to share what it is your heart, what you are afraid of, what’s going on with you, please leave a comment below and I will answer you. I will answer you here, on Patreon, on Facebook and on Instagram. And if some days I am feeling unwell it may take me just a little bit longer to answer (I usually answer right away or at least within 24 hours, although the last 6 months since I was badly injured and ended up with all manner of difficulties my response time got slower. It is better now.) I see this as my spiritual path and though I am older now and disabled my heart is wide open. I want you to know that you can come to me, here. I cannot keep up with private emails so please write to me here or in one of my other places I mentioned above. And know that when you write in your concerns you are helping others who may not have voiced theirs but needed to hear what you had to say.
I have written for decades about the issues I deal with. Having been seriously sexually abused from 4-18, living with mental health issues of all types, from Bipolar disorder, PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, agoraphobia and more, to this body of mine that has been aging rather gracelessly, though I am trying my best to take care of myself, make friends with my body, and then focus on my work. Focus on spreading light and love through my writings and art, and to let you know that you are not alone. This is deeply important to me and I am very grateful to my Patrons at Patreon who are helping support me to do this work.
So dear ones what are you carrying now that weighs you down? Physical issues, mental health conditions, loneliness, aging, a longing to do something that you are afraid to do? Write to me here, let’s talk. I want people to know that more things are possible than we ever imagine, that we can survive and surmount all manner of difficulties, as I am, as others are, and if we talk about them we open a window and let fresh air and light in, we can see ourselves and our lives, and with practice we can see more and more possibilities, what I have always called “potent possibilities abundant.”
Patreon is the home for my most intimate sharings, we have a Zoom gathering once a month, I give art, and publications I have made, do one on one sessions on a very limited basis, and more. It is helping me survive in so many ways. But I am reaching out through all venues because I care, and I believe it’s what I was put on this earth to do. And so I shall continue, despite my limitations, to do as much as I can. I’m finding that expanding out into the world as much as I can from my little cottage in the woods is far more life-giving than contracting in fear and now chronic pain. I hear Eleanor Roosevelt in my head saying that wonderful quote, “We must do the thing we think we cannot do.” I’m trying. And I’m here to encourage you to do the same.
Onward dear ones. Onward we go. You are in my heart.
Dearest Maitri,
over here it is 3.30 am, meds time for Ben – and before going back to sleep I just checked my phone. No, we are not alone! Someone in your community over all the timezones is awake, too. Onwards an upwards, indeed.
“Vorwärts ist Reitergeist” (horsemen think forward, don’t look back after the jump)
I’m 59, went for a walk on the beach yesterday. Tonight I can’t sleep. My feet and hips hurt from walking what last year felt like a little stroll. My heart hurts from watching my beloved dog fading away. But his little light still shines and I treasure every minute with him, like I treasure every moment looking out at the silvery glitter of the waves.
Now I am dead tired, fighting back depression and anxiety creeping up again. 4 am, the wee hours…
Wishing you all the best and sending love and a big hug over the oceans to you
Yours
Silke
still with old man Ben
Oh Sweet Silke… first of all I have to say that I am so happy that Ben is still with you. I know his time is limited, but this is grace, still having your boy to love… 💗
Oh honey, hearing how you hurt after the walk that a year ago was no problem. You know, I remember people saying, in different contexts, “You never know when it will have been the last kiss…” the last whatever, and oh, for things to change so much from one year to the next is so hard to take, isn’t it. This time last year I was working in my garden. Now I cannot garden at all anymore and it is one of the most heartbreaking things about my having become disabled so much so quickly. Two years ago I was planting like mad in what is now a beautiful cottage garden (that I can’t go into, sigh…). These changes are so unexpected and so hard. I’m so sorry sweetheart.
And oh, the weesmas… the wee small hours of the morning. They can be brutal. Being awake at 4 unable to go back to sleep is just so damned hard. I now have medication to help me sleep but I’m still up and down at night. I hope you are drifting off to sleep as I write these words. And big big hugs and sweet kisses over the oceans to you too honey.
My Molly and I are off to bed now. Kiss Ben for me on his very special darling beautiful nose…. 😘
Maitri 🥰
Ben and I are on the Bonus Track together, that’s true. I cling to that!
I’m still so glad Molly and you found each other, having one of the little fur folks around is so soothing.
And yes, aging is not for sissies, I’m learning this on a daily basis – but I do prefer it to the alternative, there still is life in this old lady here
🙂
Hugs and kisses to you and Molly
Silke honey, you tickled me with the end of your post. Someone very dear to me, years and years ago, used to always say, “Gettin’ old ain’t fer sissies!” and I would laugh, then in my 40’s, thinking “old age” was light years away. Well, instead they seem to have come at the speed of light! And there is still life in THIS old lady too! What I’ve learned is that survival and peace of mind come through accepting what is and then focusing on what still is possible, what may be possible that you never thought to try before. If you focus on what you can’t do, the things that are lost to you, you will sink into a mire of depression it is hard to ever come out of.
So we are a couple of kickin’ old gals with our darling fur people and we’re doing alright! And Molly and I send our kisses to you too! 🤗 (She said she is sending a kiss to Ben too but I thought that sounded kind of forward and not very lady like so I didn’t put that in!) 😍
Alive and kicking, yessss!
Love you!
😘💗🤗
My dear friend, thank you for this blog post and know I’m there with you too. I had to take a long social media break a few days ago (bar here), because I got very overwhelmed last week. I am on the spectrum, need my peace and quiet, and also to focus on my own creativity as a form of therapy too. Some days are better/worse than others, but I know I’m not the only one out there who experiences these things, that life throws at us all. Thank you again dear Maitri and we all love you xx
Oh sweet Emmy, I understand so well, and I am so glad you took the time off that you needed. And knowing you are there lifts my spirits and makes me happy. We may never have met in person but our souls have known one another for many lifetimes, I’m sure.
I love you dearheart, please take tender care off you… 😘💗🥰