Knitting When You’ve Lost Yourself, or, Random Acts of Knitting…

In the last entry I wrote about Knitting Meditation, or what I called “Knitting Without A Destination.” I had cast on 15 stitches of soft sky blue chenille and just started to knit. I kept it near me and many times throughout the day when I felt lost or frustrated or just listless I picked it up and started to knit. It didn’t matter what I was doing or why and if I got to the end, ripped it all out, rolled it back into a ball and started over that was fine by me. And then the days got harder. And I felt more lost. And I got to the end of the blue yarn. I grabbed a handful of a lumpity bumpity purpley blend yarn and thought I could just keep going. I had it at hand. I still didn’t care where I ended up.

I started to knit and found the new blend of yarns pleasing…

And all of a sudden instead of knitting without a destination it came to me that I had entered the realm of what I call Random Acts of Knitting. I still wasn’t knitting for much more than to have a toehold on my sanity but it started to become something, and this pleased me. I had no judgments, and whatever turned out was just fine. I knitted my way through the bit of purple yarn that I had and cast off.

Now I hadn’t reached a destination so much as having gotten to the place where I didn’t want to tear it all out again but I wasn’t sure what to do. I dug around in my yarn bag and came out with a ball of red chenille, grabbed a crochet hook, and decided I would crochet with the red around the edges. I had no idea why or what it might become if anything but I love to crochet too so I just started…

Finally I determined that I would crochet all the way around twice and see what I had. Here’s the first go round…

In the end I had something that I randomly put around my neck just to see how it felt and then thought I had something perhaps worth keeping, or giving away. This pleased me. I’m not yet certain what I will do with it but here it is finished…

Today I have felt especially lost. I cast on 15 stitches of the red chenille and I have started again. Knitting without a destination. I’m not sure if I will move into a Random Act of Knitting or not but what I know is that on these days when I feel just so terribly lost, and as though I don’t achieve anything at all, or very little, and my bipolar bits and parts are wavering about making me feel so sad and useless, keeping a record on Instagram of my little projects, and actually ending up with something I can hold in my hands helps a lot. And I am working on the January issue of Pastiche, the November issue went out a week or so ago, and that’s something too. And I have begun to walk for exercise and I hope and pray I can keep up with that because I sorely need to. I have my walking clothes on and just took the dogs out. In an hour or so when it cools down a little — it’s 80ish here today — I will go out and do my walk. It’s no marathon but it’s a start. And in the end I will come back in here to my little red beginning of a something or other and I will continue on. I am doing something, I am. I may feel lost but as long as I keep knitting I will find my way…

Sending my love to all of you on this warm November day…