… I thought I would write to all of you.
I tried everything, as one does. I left the tv on and put my sleep mask on to block out the light so I could hear something turned on really soft. I got up and went potty, twice. I kept my hand on Molly the whole time because I was having such a scary nightmare when I did go to sleep for awhile I was too afraid to go back to sleep. I put a YouTube sleep video on on my phone but it just aggravated me. I kept thinking scary thoughts, and, as one does in the middle of the night, I thought of everything terrible that could go wrong only in the middle of the night those things that might be scary in the daytime are much bigger and a whole lot scarier. Then I had an idea. What if I sat up, turned on the light, and wrote to all of you?
So here I am. I hope I didn’t wake you. I’ll just blog to you, which makes me kind of feel like you are there and I have someone to talk to.
First I thought I could tell you all of the things that were scaring me and what my nightmare was about so you could tell me it will all be okay but then I thought that was counterproductive. Writing those things down gives them weight and I don’t want to think about them so I thought I would tell you the things I think are good right now in this moment.
The furnace is running and it makes a soft blowy sound overheard (what is the word for the sound the furnace makes? I’m pretty sure it’s not “blowy?”) and I find it comforting. I also cannot sleep without the ceiling fan on. Something soothing about the sound of the fan and the soft breeze. Even if it’s cold and I have the heat running (It’s only on 67, I don’t ever run it too high, Molly and I just snuggle under 2 super soft blankets) I have to have the fan on. I don’t know the right word for the sound the fan makes either but I love it and can’t sleep at all without it, in fact I always have a fan on at any time of the day in any room. It somehow helps keep me calm which I can’t figure out but I’m just grateful it’s there.
I like looking at the few art supplies I keep next to me on the little table next to my chair (I sleep in an oversized recliner. I can’t sleep in a bed. Too scary. Long story.) even though I’m too tired to use them. They remind me that yes I am an artist and even though I am very afraid right now later on when I get up I can draw or paint something. I can paint a world where I am safe and not so afraid.
I go through all of the things I am grateful for in my mind and I know I have so much to be grateful for that I probably have no business being so scared in the middle of the night, but I am. Is it because I’m an old person now? No, I have had nightmares since I was a little girl, but somehow lately they are worse. And my Kindle and a stack of real books are right next to me but in the middle of the night I can’t seem to make heads or tails of what I am reading. I can put on an audio book but then I DO fall asleep and miss the book. No, I don’t like that.
Sometimes I just scroll through Instagram on my phone. I love Instagram. I love seeing people’s art and cute animals and I especially love the account called “Boop my nose” which is mostly dogs but sometimes a cat or a donkey or something or other might show up and when you double tap their noses a heart appears on the screen. I always say BOOP! and giggle because I am a serious nose booper. Those noses wouldn’t be safe around me. Mostly I kiss noses. I’m surprised poor Molly still has one.
The air is still whooshing overhead or whatever you call that sound and Molly is snuggled all up to me and the refrigerator just started making it’s sort of humming sound which is very comforting. My house is alive and it is keeping me company. And I haven’t died yet and no terrible thing has happened and you are all out there and I am kind of holding your hand if you don’t mind and you can hold mine too.
I just wondered if I turned on my lava lamp — it’s a blue one — and then just sort of dreamily looked at it if it would put me to sleep but any kind of light is not supposed to be good for you at night, but then who the heck cares if you can’t go back to sleep anyway?
It’s 3:30 now which is getting to the danger zone. I mean if I can go back to sleep at 2:30 I can usually sleep for a few hours but if it gets close to 4:00 it gets sketchier. And I hear of people happily getting up at 4, just giving in to it all, and making tea and starting their day but if I do that I will be face first in my keyboard snoring by 10 a.m. I have got to get some sleep.
Maybe since I’ve been able to blog to you I won’t feel so alone and scared and maybe I can go back to sleep for awhile. I sure hope so. If I can’t and I have to come back I’ll be real quiet so I won’t wake you up. It’ll just be nice to have someone there so I’m not so afraid.
Thank you so much for being there for me. I hope you are having sweet dreams…
You are not alone.
Thank you angel. I’m going to try to go back to sleep now. You get some sleep too honey…
I am often awake at this hour because I am a night owl. I had a hard time sleeping yesterday and I had to postpone my grocery shopping. So tonight I am in bed trying to go to sleep so I can go grocery shopping at a decent hour later today.
Oh you poor dear. I hope you got some good sleep last night so you can get your groceries. I finally did go back to sleep thank goodness and got a few hours sleep. Lordy, isn’t it awful to be so tired and unable to sleep? When sleep does come it is such a relief.
Have a wonderful weekend Marge honey and get something yummy for yourself at the store!
Hugs,
Maitri
I often get up and work for a couple of hours in the middle of the night BUT that does require a nap the next day. When night terrors hit, tapping is so helpful! When inspiration hits, as it often does, I just jump on board and run with it. That’s so much more fun than nightmares. I always shut down nightmare energy by declaring to it: May this dream never come true, may it never happen to anyone, anywhere, any time! AND SO BE IT!!!!! Hope you have a sweet and smooth and happy day <3
Oh thank you so much dear Noreen. Sometimes the dreams are so bad I am so scared I have to go potty and I’m afraid to get up! Your way is much better. I actually did go to sleep not long after doing the blog post, it really helped me switch gears in my mind instead of sitting there stock still, terrified, stuck in images from the dream. I’ll remember what you said honey, and yes, tapping!
Love you,
Maitri 🤗💖