I just put a blog post up a couple of days ago in a seemingly put together place extolling the virtues of living in a state of “The house is on the market but life goes on.” While this is certainly a reasonable and in fact sane way to live I am bipolar and it is a rainy Easter Sunday and my bipolary bits and parts are kind of racketing about jangling this way and that and getting the best of me. It is likely because of this, and the fact that I have dashed out in the rain off and on all day coaxing, cajoling, and begging the dogs to go to the potty outside in the rain rather than inside the house that could be shown at any time (That’s hopeful thinking since it hasn’t been shown in the 6 days it’s been on the market, a fact which is causing my bits and parts to have a field day with me.) that I finally decided to throw all caution to the wind and cook cod for dinner. I’m sure there is a seller’s manual somewhere that tells you not to cook fish in a house that’s on the market lest it smell like one of the Friday night fish fries I grew up with in the Catholic Church. They tell you to bake bread or chocolate chip cookies. My house currently smells fishy.
I’m sure it is also good advice not to look at the listings of houses for sale you get in your email box that are in the same price range as the house you are selling since they all look more appealing than yours causing your flagging spirits to sink like a stone. One such house arrived in my mail box just before I decided to cook the cod and I did look and I had to take a pill. This will never do.
The thing about being bipolar is that my moods wax and wane and what I fear grows in the dark and looms large. This was made worse by the fact that I watched a documentary last night about an older artist who was living in a house literally falling down around him — it was finally condemned — and he was found by a couple of guys who were delighted by his outsider art if not his iffy life. I started worrying that my inability to downsize fast enough was going to cause me to end up just like this artist whose long suffering friends, the few that remained, were worn to a frazzle. Worst case scenario is a favorite of the bipolar crowd and this is not a state of mind conducive to staying cheery when your house is on the market. Choose your television programming wisely. I think I’d better stay with The Great British Baking Show even though I’ve watched all the episodes Netflix has in the only season they offer. I’ll watch them all again just by way of playing it safe.
I am shaky, and on the verge of teary, and I decided to write another blog post to try to find the humor in it all, and it certainly is here. The rain is beating down on us and the dogs have settled in to post dinner, rainy night snoring, and I am honestly writing to hold myself together. I am trying to convince myself that people sell houses, survive the process, and go on with their lives. Of course I know that they do, but right now I am afraid that I will be swallowed up whole by the uncertainty, the day in day out “Will someone call or not?” and how do I feel about it either way? It is hard to keep things up with 16 paws in the house on a rainy day and the lingering smell of cod is not, in this moment, reassuring.
I am writing because as long as I can put words down on this page there is something solid and real in my life that I can see and count on and I can believe that life indeed does go on even when your house is on the market as I wrote a couple of days ago, and maybe I won’t be found one day in a house falling down around me, and maybe the dogs and I will survive that more than a little scary piece about what in the world we are supposed to do when it does sell but we don’t have anywhere to go yet and we have to be out by closing. Short term rentals with dogs are possible but harder to line up than if it was just me.
What I really just want to do is sit down beside you and have you tell me that everything is going to be okay, but I’m afraid people are already tired of telling me this and I’m only 6 days in. If anyone out there doesn’t mind and has a reassuring word or two to spare I promise I will send you some when you need them too. This blog post may just be a little S.O.S.’y, but I’m just here doing the best I can.
Okay, I think that’s enough for now. I am going to publish this post much like sending a little paper boat out to float downstream in hopes that it finds safe harbor somewhere. Bon voyage. Here I go.
(((Maitri))) always sending you live and gentle hugs…i know how it is to be moved out of a house and/or apartment…it stinks in plain english. It stinks worse going through this crap with psych diagnoses. I know. I’ve lived it and more…just know that i am always thinking of you and sending you gentle hugs and love and a promise that you and your pugs will get through this! ?❤?????
Thank you so much Katie honey, I appreciate it so much. It is very hard, harder than I could have imagined at first, but we will get through it somehow, one day at a time… <3
Love,
Maitri
Of course we will sweetie! ?
<3
Dear Maitri,
Oh how I hate the thought of moving myself, even though I live in an apartment and will never sell a house, too! Once you get through the uncertainty (had plenty of that when my late hubby and I moved back to WI from TN) and disarray though, you have what I like about moving … settling into a new nest and “feathering” it with your bits and pieces. Just focus on today and nothing past tomorrow. It’s the only way I know to keep anxiety at bay in my life. The medicine I’m on helps me to better control how I respond to thoughts that I know I can’t control or prevent.
Thank you so much Susan and feathering the new nest IS the fun part, it’s just down the line. The piece I am most afraid about is when the house sells having to be out by closing and I’ve got no money to buy a house until I close here so that means a short term rental or something and I’m just worried about that part. But you are so right, the one day at a time part is the only thing that really works, and I’d be lost without the meds, they really do help. Thank you for writing in honey, take care…
Love,
Maitri
i like how you say writing is what keeps you sane, is your salvation, as long as the pen writes, you know you’re going to be OK. i totally identify. writing is taking oneself out of exile. saying oh yes, here I am. and I is the soul, not just the tenuous personality. Here I, my essence is, flowing through the tip of this pen (touch of the keyboard). so, everything is going to be OK after all. the house will sell, i’ll have a new cottage with a garden and a place for bulbs and pugs and yarn and cappucino cups. indeed you will, maitri. so here’s a hug from your sister of the word
xo
ka
Oh sweet Ka thank you honey, you are indeed my sister of the word. How I wish we could meet in a little cafe and write over endless cappuccinos! You paint such a lovely picture I can’t wait to see it made manifest. You give me hope!
I love you dear sister,
Maitri
p.s. is that homemade coleslaw on that fish plate? if so, YUM!
Alas it is from the deli in the little grocery store I go to and it is very good indeed, perfect with the fish!
Maitri, everything WILL be okay. EVERYTHING!!! If you decide to cook fish again and someone calls to see the house it will be someone who adores fish and can’t imagine a place more perfect for their fish fry. Keep thinking positive and in those hard to manage times call a friend. Like me – you still got the number? I’ll tell you funny stories about spoiled cats and ferrets and the wild bunny who lives in the lillies and of course the squirrels in the nest in the big maple tree. and of course my friend’s spoiled pug Huey. Love ya gal….
Thank you so much sweet Paula and I just love all of your stories, especially the ferrets, that made me smile. And I won’t be cooking a lot of fish but you see I have been trying to eat really well so I have a few kinds of frozen fish and then I was afraid to cook it! But finally one HAS to eat! So there you go. It doesn’t smell too much in here now thank goodness. And I will remember about calling, thank you lovie, you are so sweet.
Love and hugs to you Paula honey,
Maitri
*Hugs* for the limbo, not-suredness-of-it-all-stage. You’re doing famously. Love, Meg x o x o
Thank you so much Meg, I’ll take that hug and send you one back. Limbo indeed!
Love,
Maitri
Hi Maitri………we are here. If folks don’t want to know about your situation then they shouldn’t be reading your blog!!!! I am feeling your pain. I will be in this scenario in a few weeks. Sending you much love and hugs.
Olive. xxxxxxxx
Oh Olive honey thank you so much for your kind support and love and I am sending the same back to you. Good luck to you too honey when you go through this, I am holding you in my heart and prayers…
Love,
Maitri
It will be ok dear friend. I’m sorry you are having one of these anxiety days. Your house is so cute and I know someone will love it. Uncertainty is hard with those of us who have anxiety at times, and there is also this element of life being a grand adventure too. I suppose there are many miracles in store for you around the corner. I will be with you on this journey and look forward to hearing about your new cozy cottage one day. For now just do lots of self care and relaxing things as you wait. Love you <3
Thank you Bekah honey and I know you are with me and that helps more than you know. And yes, there are miracles in store, I just know this is true and I will have to hold to that and think of Susan’s “Miracles, find me now!” Thank you for being in my life and being such a dear, dear friend. I love you…
Maitri
Maitri, in the time you are waiting for the house to sell, maybe you could check apartments and find something that will be available when you need it…if that makes any sense! That would help you to not worry about that part of it. I feel so much of what you are going through…the anxiety and worry and being afraid to cook the fish. I laughed when I read that because I would worry about the same kind of thing! Glad to know someone else thinks the way I do. Just remember that sometimes delays of any kind are good because it gives time for other things to come up and help the situation. This is something I have to remind myself of constantly. Much love to you and the pugs.
Sheila dearheart thank you so much,
We are looking into short term rentals and the kind of things that are available but we can’t do anything until I have a buyer so we just have to kind of be prepared but move on it when the time comes. And yes, the fish! I have to trust that everything is happening in the right and proper time as surely it is. Thank you so much for your kind support…
Love,
Maitri
Sending positive energy to you, Maitri. This is a time of uncertainty and it’s ok to be rattled. Now make some chocolate chip cookie dough and keep it in the fridge, so you can back them with 20 minutes notice. It will even mask cod odor!
Sending love to you and the puggies! Lisa & Daisy
Lisa thank you so much and I’d keep the cookie dough around but I’d EAT it! Ha! Thank you so much for always being there and for being such a dear friend. Pug kisses to Daisy!
Love,
Maitri
May your day be filled with all things wonderful!
Take a moment to breathe in all the love that is being sent your way! Everything is in perfect and Divine order!
~kim
Thank you so much Kim, it is lovely to receive all the wonderful love and support coming my way and I appreciate it more than I can possibly say. Divine Order, I must remember that!
Blessings to you dearheart…
Maitri
I feel for you Maitri-my husband has been talking about downsizing for a while now and I really don’t want to-partially because I love my house and property and partially because selling and moving sucks! It will all come together for you but there is inevitably a time of uncertainty, conflicting emotions and stress involved. Hugs to you and remember that you have a 100% track record of getting through stuff-you will get through this just fine!!
Thank you so much Lynne, I appreciate your kind support so much and thank you for reminding me that I have a 100% track record of getting through stuff because I DO and I forget that. You have lifted my spirits this day.
A gentle hug to you,
Maitri
This is hard, but you’re doing great. Really. You’re hanging in there in a hard situation. And if this doesn’t work quite the way you want? You’ll find something else. One way or the other, you’ll find a way. Life finds a way.
I send my love.
Darling Esme, thank you so much. I know that you know so well about getting through hard times and I know that you understand about being bipolar and what it means. So thank you for your sincere and loving thoughts during this hard time.
Blessings and love,
Maitri
All will be well, and all will be well, and all will be well. Just not soon enough, damn it, which means RIGHT NOW. You will look back on the uncertainty, from the walls of your enchanting little cottage, and see that you climbed another Mount Everest. You’ll plant your flagpole, snuggle the puggles, sip a fresh latte, and nearly break your arms patting yourself on the back for having climbed past fears and uncertainty. And we’ll all break out in cheers and be inspired on our own climbs.
Thank you so much sweet Cathryn,
You are always such a loving support and I appreciate it more than I can say and yes, it feels like Everest right now but I know that all shall be well and it will all come out in the wash so to speak. It’s wonderful having someone cheering for you, I can’t thank you enough.
Love,
Maitri
Maitre, my sweet friend,
You’re so much more than your diagnosis of bipolar. You’re empathetic and honest. You’re talented; art, blogs, crafts, etc.
When you send out an SOS I know you are having a rough day and actively trying to heal via the best way you know how (besides cuddling with the pups). You in your toughest times are still an inspiration to others because you are candid and loving and rare. Please know I never tire of your honesty. We all have those times. We have all been afraid of “what if”. Just know the worst you can imagine rarely happens. Even if it did, you are resilient. You can and will make it. Sending you hugs and love, K
Thank you so much Kateryne dearheart, for your kind words and support. It means so much, especially now, and I will cherish all that you said.
Blessings to you dear soul, and love, and a warm hug…
Maitri
turning 62 this year, my new mantra is “Live like a Gypsy” Let the gypsy blood flow.
day by day, night by night, and let your house smell like fish one day a week, You have made me laugh today. Thank you.
Thank you so much Chris, you made me laugh! I love that, Live Like a Gypsy! It’s a tad hard to do with 4 pugs but other than that a great sentiment. Thank you for stopping in and sharing with me.
Hugs and Blessings,
Maitri
Late to the ‘party’ so will not echo all the good wishes as I hope you know they are sent each morning be that the ‘day of gloom’ or the ‘day of glory’. and you have my email, which in this instance wouldn’t have reached me as small matter of no power due to 100mph gusting wind over the weekend but tis just part of life on an island:0)
I trust that you have found your coping mechanisms have held you safe on the ledge you found yourself and the view is now a little less precipitous.
On a practical note I wonder if you have thought about a ‘play pen’ for the pugs. I only mention it because I have a fabric one that collapses down flat and fits in its own bag, which I purchased so that RnB could have a safe place to call their own when we go camping as both like to sleep on their beds leaning against a wall and that could get a little interesting in a tent:0) It has a removable bottom so any ‘accidents’ can be dealt with easily and is great place for muddy pawed dogs as it has a removable floor that can be washed easily and dries fast. In fact I actually lay down a couple of microfibre towels as mats in there and they are dry and non mud paw transformed happy dogs. It looks like this one I found in USA – http://www.one4pets.com/folding-fabric-playpen/ Just a thought, it might help with the constant keeping up appearances we all get into when complete strangers are coming to view our homes, even if we are not going to be there. NOTE I say are coming not may be coming:0)
If you think this might help household readiness for you I would gladly help out with the cost. I wish I could manage to purchase one outright for you but suspect I wouldn’t be the only friend to want to help out in a small way.
Don’t worry, it’ll be me asking for help not you :0) and the pen might be good for the new smaller home set up too.
Be gentle on you, selling a home is a BIG THING FOR EVERYONE no one sails through it and if they say they did they are still in denial:0)
Darling Daisy-Winifred,
Thank you so much for your good wishes and kind offer but the pugs go absolutely nuts if there is anything between me and them. They attach like limpets on a rock to my body and we move as one. Ha ha ha. And for the showings the realtor made it clear that I HAD to be out of here. One woman and four dogs are not the best thing to have hanging about when a realtor is trying to show a house apparently. AND I got a call from my realtor today, another realtor is showing the house tomorrow morning so we are finally getting some activity. I am nervous but have been on two trial runs with the dogs so trust that all will go well. Luckily it’s in the morning because I have therapy in the afternoon.
Thank you for reminding me that this is a big deal for everyone. It makes me feel better because it reminds me that it’s not just because I am crazy-ish that I’m having such a hard time. Or differently abled in the mental health department. It’s hard for everyone. It’s just the uncertainty will nearly do you in, but I am feeling better since I wrote this post which is why I wrote it, it is cathartic to write and I am humbled and awed by all of the kind responses, including yours.
Thank you so much dearheart, I appreciate you so much.
Love,
Maitri
Ah no Maitri, I didn’t actually mean you leave the pugs in there but that the play pen could act as a ‘dry bath, when they come in all glee and muddy paws etc. I have a friend who has the largest pen I have ever seen and she sits in there with her four assorted rescue dogs, all older and with various ailments, and encourages them to just chill, then when they are ‘clean’ as in dry and not so muddy they all leave the pen and she has a cuppa and they have a dog biscuit. She has serious arthritis so has found the continuing bending and drying of wet and muddy dogs something of a trial. The pen pops up before they go out and then collapses after wards as like yours her crew are extra limbs:0)
Ah I see. My biggest problem, I am embarrassed to say, is that pugs are notorious for being hard to potty train and my boys, especially the one that was really badly abused will pee in the house. So I am running outside with them constantly to make sure no one has any accidents in the house. As I clean up and mop little footprints follow me around the kitchen. Let me advise you NEVER to get a white tile floor. It is the bane of my existence, beautiful when clean and nearly impossible to keep that way with 4 dogs. WHAT was I thinking?
Your friend sounds like she has a lovely thing worked out. Whatever would we do without our babies? I like the vision of her having a cuppa while her little ones have their biscuit. That made me happy… 🙂
Thank you for thinking of me with this Daisy, I think my main issues take place outside of the pen for now. 🙂
Love.
Maitri