I have been working on this piece in my sketchbook for over a week. I got just so far, and I loved it, but I was stuck. I let it sit for days, but what finally got me going was a line from poet Mary Oliver…
“It is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.”
“Oh my stars and garters” I thought, a line James Spader’s Red Reddington recently said in an episode of “The Blacklist,” my current favorite show. Oh my stars and garters indeed. That line has been humming inside of me all week long. It is serious to be alive…in this broken world… And the first thing that came to me is, “The world is broken, but we are not,” followed by the thought that if each and every one of us celebrated the magnificent beings that we are, in all our glory, and celebrated all of who we are, not broken things, but beings whole, perfect, and complete just as we are, we might help change this broken world into a thing of glory.
And then I thought of something that made me very sad. I would say I am not incorrect in believing that the vast majority of people on this planet if they look in a mirror see first of all everything that they feel is wrong with them. “I hate my big nose, I’m getting wrinkles, I’m overweight, I’m not pretty/handsome, I never lived up to all that I had hoped for, dreamed of, or imagined. I am a failure, it is too late…” and then a sinking depression sets in, perhaps almost unnoticeably, but the shoulders slump a little, the viewer looking in the mirror stands less erect, and often there is a deflated feeling like the air going out of the tires. Why in the world do we go to the things that we perceive as wrong first? I could tell you that I am an old lady now, I’ll be 67 on the 30th, that I am overweight as I have been all my life despite my constant attempts and sometimes successes at losing weight only to lose my way and gain it back, that I am physically disabled, have lived with lifelong mental health challenges, am agoraphobic and on some days I am so afraid I cannot even go out to get my mail across the road from my house. I could tell you that I have given up on love, cannot imagine how in the world anyone could love a wonky, lopsided, cattywompus, mentally challenged old woman, and on and on, but you know what? I WILL NOT BE TELLING YOU THAT! And even if that’s what other people think or see when they look at me, they will not be seeing the real me at all, because here is what I say to myself today…
“Oh honey how beautiful you are. You have grown softer with age, you are a mother to the world around you, you are so full of love with such a big heart you radiate love. And look at you, despite it all, and with life’s ups and downs still coming as they will you never give up, if you fall you get back up again, you never stop dreaming, and at almost 67 you still know that your life is filled with limitless possibilities. And look at your pretty green eyes and rosy cheeks and soft lips, your baby fine golden hair, your strong hands, and look at the tiny dog who is your angel, and your darling birds, and your glorious garden, and the books and art supplies, and plants and yarn and fiber tools and soft things everywhere in your little cottage, pillows and quilts and blankets everywhere, colorful, soft, and cozy. Your little cottage is so cozy. And every single room in it is a different bright cheerful color that makes people laugh with delight when they come into it, and look at how blessed you are with your 3 beautiful children who you love bigger than the moon, and their spouses who are your children too, and your much adored grandsons, 4 boys, all healthy, and has another woman ever been so blessed? And look at you continuing to write and make art and increasingly just GO FOR IT no matter if it doesn’t look like anything considered “good art” today, to you, it is GRAND ART, because it fills you up and lights you up and makes you so happy, and when we allow ourselves to do and be the things that fill us up and light us up, well, it just doesn’t get any better than that. And look at how in nearly 7 decades and despite very hard things, multitudes of devastating things have happened to you in your life, you have never become bitter or angry but have continually softened and loved more and more and more. Oh my love, I am so proud of you…”
I am so happy to be alive, and in this broken world I will continue to reach out with all the love and kindness that I can, and I will hold the mirror up to you dear one, and to everyone, and tell them to list 100 things that they love about themselves, the tiniest things to the biggest things, and then celebrate all of who you are. I don’t believe that there is anything more important that you can do in this lifetime. First, love, appreciate, and celebrate yourself, and then give your whole heart, and soul, and life’s purpose toward loving others. If you accomplish that, there will be nothing more you need to do.
So very seriously I say to you, on this absolutely gorgeous spring day, in this broken world, cannot we all begin, this very day, to only look at ourselves with eyes of love, to accept all of who we are as the grand and magnificent beings we are, and equally can we look at everyone else we encounter in the same way, no matter their race, gender, sexual identity, nationality, political view, religious belief or any of the other perceived differences — we are all just human beings living our lives here on this same planet, no matter where we are our feet are touching the same earth, our eyes look up at the same sky, the same sun and moon and stars, and can we just love and love and keep on loving? If we do this we might heal the world, a little more each day. Brokenness is in the eye of the beholder. I am not broken and neither are you, and as soon as we all accept this, we can begin to heal this world that we all share. I absolutely know and believe that there is nothing more important that any of us can do.
You said it, now let’s live it! To list 100 things i love about myself, well all those things are a mandala of ever shifting kaleidoscopic facets, but most of all i love, as you said so well, that i am still ALIVE, can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch (wow), that i can walk, dance, plant and harvest gardens, make bouquets, cook delicious meals, write poems and stories! That I birthed and raised a beautiful, intelligent, resourceful daughter who radiates her own light. That I can share the bounty of who I am with others, that i have a back porch with rocking chairs, singing birds outside in trees, well, are these things i love about myself? Well, about my life, for sure! And don’t forget reading! and pen-pals, and my favorite sweatpants and sweatshirt! OK, here’s five things I love about ME: My creativity, my imagination, my love of the natural world, my compassionate heart, my desire and ability to invoke the creativity in others! And that you in your painting, so full of glory, so filled with vitality!
Oh beautiful, darling Katya, my dear sister and heart friend…
What a constellation of wonder and delight you have written about, so many things, countless things, too many to even think of in a moment. You have always been magic to me, a muse, a teacher, a dear, dear friend. I love you so much and yes you are all of those things you mentioned and a million times more. Bless you dearheart. Let us go on celebrating all the wonder together.
I love you deeply and dearly and always and always…
M. xoxox