“There are these parts of me but they just don’t fit together.”
(Note while drawing.)

First of all I want to tell you that I have joined Effy Wild’s Blogging Challenge for September 2017. (You can click on the link in the previous sentence to see more or the graphic link in the right column to read more on Effy’s blog.) I am very excited. This month marks the ten year anniversary of this blog, Maitri’s Heart, begun in 2007, and oh what a journey it’s been. Were the days I used to blog daily and now weeks go by. I want to get back into a regular blogging habit and this is the best way to do it. I adore Effy, and her work, and am delighted to take part in this challenge, and I really need it.

And as is no news to anyone, I suffer from mental illness. Long term child abuse started me into therapy at 18 when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. At 22 I was hospitalized for a month with a nervous breakdown after a suicide attempt. I would go on to be diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, PTSD, and finally bipolar disorder. These are  the things I carry in a basket with me through life. And in the last 6 months I have been doing very, very poorly. The Mobile Crisis Unit was called. Doctors were changed. Meds have been and are being changed ongoing as we try to find a balance that works. Getting through a single day is so terrifying I cling to every hour just hoping I can get through it. But BY GOD and the saints be praised I WILL get through, I will never stop trying. Currently this blogging challenge and an art therapy course I am taking are what I am using to try to make a difference. The above drawing was supposed to be a “Zentangle” but in zentangle it is simply supposed to be lines and doodles and no recognizable objects. Part way into it my bipolar brain just took over, as it will, and odd body parts showed up. As I was doodling about (I call them ZenDoodles, it’s the best I can do!) the phrase, “There are these parts of me but they just don’t fit together.” came up and I jotted that down. I think there is some cryptic message there, but I can’t figure it out. I’m not going to try. I am going to keep drawing and share them with you as I do.

Too I have been trying to find my way with my writing and struggling badly. I think it could be important for me to write about living with mental illness and surviving. Day by day, often hour by hour or minute by minute, holding on, continuing on, never giving up. So many countless people suffer from various forms of mental illness, we lose so many to suicide, people feel lost, and alone, and hopeless. I have and I do and I want others to feel that they are not alone. I think in these 30 days of blogging I will try to discover what my focus may be. If those of you who have followed me for some time have thoughts about what you would like me to write about, what might be most helpful, I would love for you to leave your thoughts in the comments. As I suffer through these hard days I want to find a way to manage for myself, and perhaps others.

This first entry is short, it’s just past 11 p.m. I had a day that got away from me and I don’t want to miss the first day of the challenge. I hope you will come along with me. There is much to say and share and do. I am coming through a long dark tunnel. Coming here and sitting with you for a moment helps me feel connected somehow. If you are feeling lost and alone come here and sit with me. We will move through these days together.

You are in my heart…