And finally, in the middle of the night, after suffering so terribly I absolutely didn’t know how I would make it and was filled with such high anxiety and absolute terror over Pugsley, and what to do about a thousand different things now that he is an only dog, something came over me. I can only describe it as a kind of peace, a gentle calm. Delilah is gone, she was suffering terribly and now she is at peace. There was no other choice. And — and this is huge — I absolutely feel her here with us.

One of the most terrible things in the world is when you are holding your baby in your arms one day and the next morning they call to tell you her ashes are there. It just isn’t possible. When the physical body is gone so, it would seem, are they. But as I listened to a 2 hour interview with an animal communicator this morning talking about the afterlife of pets I knew that I agreed with what she was saying. Everyone has their own beliefs but I know in my heart that this is true. Delilah’s little spirit is with us, will always be with us. And I think there is a chorus of angels all around me here, the other 10 pugs I have adopted, my big dog Moe, and all the others. Pugsley may now be an “only dog” but we are not alone.

And then, at almost the very end of the interview, the woman said something that I was coming to myself and it was good to have it affirmed. She talked about how people want to hurry up and adopt another dog so that when the one dog left passes they, the human, will not be alone, but that truly, the little senior, the one left, would not prefer that this be the case. Pugsley and I have traveled a long road together. And he has a collapsed trachea we have been treating for a year and a half. Bringing the wrong dog in could be detrimental to him, even shorten his life. I won’t do that to him. I have never, ever, in my whole life, been completely alone without an animal companion, or multiple animal companions. Never. But the day is going to come, and I hope no time soon, when Pugsley’s time comes and I will indeed be alone, hopefully not for long. But adopting another dog “for Pugsley” wouldn’t do him any good. Even when Delilah was here, as both Noni and Rachel saw when they stayed with them, Pugsley would get anxious. It is the boy that he is.

Next is the issue about what I will do now when I have to leave him. Yesterday he went on a supplement that is supposed to be very beneficial for anxiety. Our vet highly recommended it and I picked it up and got him started on it right away. But more when I went to get the supplement and pick up Delilah’s ashes I took him with me because I was afraid to leave him alone. He was so terribly anxious the crate (and it is huge, it takes up the whole back seat of my Honda Element and on several occasions held 4 pugs at once) was nearly rocking off the seat. On Sunday I left him for 20 minutes just to run over to the little grocery store that’s about 2 minutes from me. He was fine when I got back, very excited to see me, anxious perhaps, but not in a life-threatening way. In the middle of the night I knew with certainty that I would not take him with me to therapy tomorrow as my dear therapist offered. I will be gone for an hour and a half tops, and at home, in his familiar surroundings with his bed and blanket and toys and familiar smells and all the rest I believe he will be more at peace than if I take him out again, in the crate, to my therapist’s office, a strange place. No, Pugsley will stay at home.

There is a lot to figure out and I am just figuring it out one day at a time. I know that with him being an only boy now my life will change. I will be able to go out to do what I need to do — I leave rarely anyway — but I will not do a 5 hours out stint when I try to get all of my conceivable errands done in one day so I don’t have to go out again soon. That’s what I have done on Wednesdays. Go to therapy, grocery shop at Costco and the grocery store, pick up meds, etc. I will break up the errands and spread them out so when I do go it will be for shorter stints. I believe that he will be okay.

And another thing, and the biggest thing of all, is that when I am all upset and anxious and falling to pieces he is more anxious. Once, by some miracle, by the grace of God, I came to these decisions in the middle of the night, he calmed down. He is incredibly calm and peaceful today. We both are.

And I know this, this day is a gift. Grief is a process and there will be days I will just break down again over losing Delilah. There is no easy way to do this. But my girl is gone, no one, no other dog, could replace her, ever, and getting another dog wouldn’t help Pugsley. My vet thought so, and so do I. The decision has been made. There will be no other dog in my life now as long as I have Pugsley which I hope will be a good long time. He is my angel, my sweet boy, and it’s all about what’s best for him now. And Delilah is with us, she is a felt presence here, and somehow, having truly recognized this, I have taken a breath and begun to relax. A little.

Please keep Pugsley and I in your prayers. We are both at the beginning of a long road. But somehow in the middle of the night something shifted. This will not be easy but we will be okay, we are okay. Marie Forleo said, “Everything is figureoutable,” and it truly is. We will figure things out one day at a time. We have begun.