The emptiness inside where my tiny Delilah lived is so painful I can barely breathe. And here is my little Pugsley beside me, crying, laying in her spot. We two are both suffering terribly.

I have looked online for hours and hours and the only one little dog that spoke to my heart had already been adopted. It was actually a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel mix and he was precious. What I want is a pug, I know I said I wouldn’t get another pug and I’m afraid to but that’s where my heart goes, but the rescues that have them have seniors or pugs with health issues, and I can’t go there. I need a healthy younger dog, not a puppy, just a healthy dog. If someone approached me with one today and it was a calm gentle soul that would be a good companion for my Pugsley I would be so relieved. I’m not ready but he is breaking my heart.

And then there are things in my life around which I need to make decisions, one thing in particular, and yesterday I was ready to make a decision that I may later have regretted. It’s too soon to make any kind of big decisions. In the middle of the night I realized that I just need to concentrate on trying to survive this, and trying to find a little one to join our family, someone who can bring Pugsley comfort and companionship and, when the sad day comes that my boy is no longer with me, a companion for me. If I had to wake up here one morning with no dog I would be in such acute pain I would be at risk. There is no doubt about that. My therapist knows that. We both need for this to be taken care of.

Right now I am trying not to make big decisions while at the same time trying my best to tend what needs tending, to hold this small boy in my arms and kiss and cuddle him. We are clinging to each other now. I don’t know how to survive this. Of course, yes, I will, somehow, but in this moment it doesn’t seem possible. I am holding it together only because Pugsley needs me. I am going to put this short blog post up and get in the recliner with him. We need to be as close as possible. We need to hold onto one another.

There is no way to bear this easily or well. I am doing neither. But I am holding on for Pugsley. I will hold on for him.