The Experiment – A 365 Day Search For Happiness

What I want, of course, is for someone to tell me how to make this all easier. No one can.

What I want is to have someone tell me that at some point in time my mental health challenges will be challenges no more, that there will never be another hurricane, that I will not have to spend the rest of my life alone because someone will fall in love with me, warts and all, and we will be a blissful, happy couple holding hands through the rest of our lives and I will never have to be afraid again. What I want is for someone to tell me that despite it all what I write about does matter, does help people, that a publisher will approach me, based on the work I have done here going into 12 years and nearly 2 million visits to this blog and will realize that what I write about matters, that I do help people, and will want to publish not only a book coming out of this blog but a multiple book deal, will offer me a way to know that I will be okay financially and don’t have to be afraid about money every day of my life. What I want is for someone who has followed me for a long time and benefited by what I have shared here and who has huge financial resources to come forward and say, “You have helped me so much, now I will help you. I will pay to take all the trees down and repair all that needs to be repaired and you don’t have to be afraid.”

What I want is a fantasy. Wouldn’t that be nice, for all of us?

What I have is a life like everyone else has a life. I have just been through a devastating hurricane and in your life you have been through terribly hard things too. We are all afraid, at times, for a multitude of reasons. We all want magical forces to move in and make everything better but you know what, we are all going to have periods of suffering and struggling and being afraid and having hard times. I hate this part of it, but this is life.

But…

Last night my dear friend Noni was here. We had a splendid meal and our friendship held moments of unbounded grace, love, and delight. My daughter Rachel talked to me for quite awhile yesterday and was here to be with me for awhile today. My therapist Helene is standing ready to see me on Monday to help me, and a whole host of beautiful souls wrote to me after yesterday’s hard hard post to help me through this dark and difficult time. And I still feel badly about suggesting that people should pick something and stick with it and no excuses but if I did not show up here every single day (except for the time I had no power or internet because of the hurricane which was beyond my control) even when it is hard, even when my beloved Tanner pug died, even through days that were harder than any of you will ever imagine, I would not have all this help, all this love, all this grace now. That’s why I want you to put aside all your reasons for why you can’t do this and do it anyway, but it’s not my place to tell you you have to do that. I will, however, tell you, that for all of the reasons you think you can’t do it, and perhaps you can’t, what you are missing for not doing it are riches beyond compare. You all have saved me, this blog has saved me. I will keep on keeping on through the end of this 365 days and into the next 365 days and with the exception of natural disasters and power outages I will be here.

In the middle of writing this post my sweet son Aaron FaceTimed me with my darling 2 1/2 year old grandson Atlas. They made me smile and laugh and there was just so much love and joy in those moments I felt overcome with gratitude. This is life too. Life holds it all. That is what I have to remember. Life holds everything, the worst and the best. In the dark nights during and after the hurricane somewhere a baby was laughing. There is so much more to life than the scary, hard, dark moments.

Next weekend Aaron and baby Atlas and my darling daughter-in-law Stephanie will be here for a visit. They were supposed to be here a few days after the hurricane but of course couldn’t get here then. But next weekend we will all hug and love each other and eat meals together and celebrate the joys of family, and Aaron is going to bring his tools and see what he can do to help me here. Recovery will be long and hard but help comes in many ways and will continue to over time.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but in this moment I am okay. I am grateful for that.