The Experiment – A 365 Day Search For Happiness

UPDATE: While all the below will hold true for a date soon Jeff called me and had to leave the restaurant to go to another work emergency and won’t be there at all so we are rescheduling. I’ll still be going, and soon, just not tonight…

A couple of months ago my friends had me as their guest at their new restaurant. I used to go to their first restaurant and always had a good time but it had been quite awhile. I had gotten out of the habit of going anywhere. I was afraid to go out. But I screwed up my courage, got dressed up, and went. I had a lovely dinner and a couple of glasses of wine spread out over 3 1/2 hours. I was not the least bit tipsy but pulling out of the parking lot I misjudged where some bumps were in the road and went over them, I mean I was barely out of the parking lot! But I was pulled over by the police. I wrote all about it. The police officer was very nice, said he knew I was fine but had to do his tests, which of course proved I was just fine and he let me go, but it shook me up so badly I have not gone out since. It scared the bejesus out of me!

But here’s the thing, not leaving your house except for the requisite doctor’s appointments and groceries, never going anywhere for fun or to do anything, and being so alone in the world, well, it wears thin. More than thin. Jeff said today that I should come to the restaurant for dinner tonight. I teetered on the brink of saying no and then what went through my head was, “If I don’t get out of this house I am going to lose my friggin’ mind.” I am going. I am still scared, but I’m going.

How does one re-enter the world after so long? At 64 with no partner to share the experience with. And like last time the restaurant will be incredibly busy but I know going into tonight that I will be sitting alone. Jeff will pop over when he can to say hello but for the most part I will be alone. It’s okay this time because I know that going in. Last time he said he’d spend the evening with me and then didn’t, couldn’t, was needed in the kitchen a lot of the time and then had to leave to go to his other business and unfortunately couldn’t come back (and hadn’t let me know because he didn’t think it was going to be an issue.). The whole evening kind of went awry and then there was the thing with the police. It was enough to make my blood run cold and indeed it did. But today is a new day. I feel like if I don’t do this now I never will, and then what will happen to me?

So I’m going. I’m scared but I’m going. I grew up on horses. I rode English saddle, spent years at horse shows jumping high jumps. There were accidents of course. You get thrown, you go hurtling through the air and more than once I was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance. But you had to get back on the horse. You always had to get back on. Until the stakes got too high, literally, jumping 5′ fences in competitions on a horse that was young and wild. I was nearly killed. Finally I wouldn’t even go to the stables. My horse was sold and that was it. I never rode again, and I miss horses terribly to this day. If you don’t get back on the horse it all ends, and it is heartbreaking.

Now, at 64, I am at a scary, confusing time in my life. I don’t know how to do this alone and I don’t have any choice. And if I don’t start finding my way out into the world, a little bit, here and there, how will I ever meet people? I am likely never going to be a big “goer-outter” but I’m telling you being a hermit wears thin. I am ready to try again.

Hold a good thought for me, will you? I will let you know in tomorrow’s blog post how it went. I think it will be okay, I hope it will, but I know this for sure, if I don’t get out there, if I don’t begin to try to live, I am going to be like a piece of fruit that dies on the vine. Finally it is a choice to live. I want to live.