The Experiment – A 365 Day Search For Happiness

Last night was another hard one. I’ve had a few of those lately. I mean I haven’t been having great nights in a long time but recently they’ve been better than they had been. Last night, finally, after waking up for the 3rd time my mind starting going in that way that goes from mildly annoying to downright worrisome. It was spinning and the more it did the more wide awake I got. Somewhere around 5 I knew I had to do something. Out of ideas as to what I might do I picked up my phone and just started typing in all of the things that were frightening me, the things I was perseverating about. The list was long, I kept going until I had written down every single thing that I could think of that was worrying me, large or small.

I found this incredibly freeing. It is as if when your mind gets stuck in that continuous loop there is almost the sense that you have to keep going over and over these things because if you don’t you might somehow lose them or forget them. When you turn on the light for a few minutes and write them down somehow it breaks the cycle. Look, there it all is in black and white. You won’t forget it, you won’t lose it. This seemed to help a lot.

After I put my phone down and turned off the light it occurred to me that the thing about having this list is that you can then take a good hard look at it in the light of day and see what you are really dealing with. Some of the things on the list you will discover you really don’t have to worry about. Some things you will find that you can take care of through a concrete act, a phone call, a trip out, contacting the right person to get a job done, and by trying to do everything you possibly can to handle your fears in a realistic way you can cross them off the list. And there are some things that we just simply have no control over.

I worry about my children being okay, I am terrified of something happening to my sweet pugs especially after losing my sweet boy Tanner suddenly and unexpectedly in April but the thing is that if something happens I will have to deal with it then but until it does I need to relax with what is and tell myself that right now, in this moment, we are all okay. My children and grandchildren, my sweet pugs, we are all okay thank God. And I have two appointments this month after which I will have some answers and/or a plan of action about how to proceed with some health issues, not serious but needing to be dealt with, one this week and one in two weeks. I am looking to find a way to face my fears head on, do what I can about what I can, and let go of the rest. Release the worries and fears that I can do nothing about, release them to the universe, to God, release them and let go. This is so hard but there is no other way to deal with this.

I have been finding myself getting anxious as bedtime approaches because I fear the night, the waking up, the fears rising in the dark. I am now going to take concrete action. When I cannot go back to sleep, when things start clamoring in my brain I am going to turn on the light and write them down or type them into a little note app on my phone. Write it down and take a good hard look at it and then tell myself that in the morning I will see what I can do about any of it. Write it, release it, turn out the light, let it go.

That’s my plan for tonight and the nights to come. I’m going to take that amorphous blob of worry out of the sky and put it where I can see it. Look the beast square in the eye and then send him packing. That’s my plan. Release the beast.