The Experiment – A 365 Day Search For Happiness

I have written a lot about the fact that after having been on the ketogenic diet for a couple of months I was able, under careful supervision, to go off all of my psych meds. They were titrated down carefully and the last time I had the meds refilled was January 8. I have not even opened the bottles of the Buspirone or Prozac since I had them filled and have only taken the Xanax a handful of times. The trouble is I’ve taken Xanax 3 times in the last week. I am unravelling, things have become very hard for me, this is not good.

I have always been very open about being on medication and have never felt shame about being on it but the truth is that medication, in the past, was over-prescribed for me at doses that were too high and it was a very bad thing. I was also on Xanax for 20 years something that should not be done. It is not only highly addictive but now research shows that it may contribute to dementia and Alzheimers and more. I do not want to be on Xanax. I was put on Buspirone a year ago, a non-addictive drug not in the Benzodiazapine category as Xanax, Valium and others are. Buspirone does not work like Xanax, you don’t take one once in awhile when you are having a bad time, it has to be in your system for a few weeks before it will even work well. I was put on Buspirone to help me get off of Xanax and it helped me do just that. The Xanax then was to be used on an as needed basis and for 3-4 months I didn’t take Xanax at all.

The thing is, now, that I have written so much about being able to go off my meds that I kind of cringed as I knew I had, in full disclosure, to write about going back on some medication. The ketogenic diet is amazing and has been very helpful with mental health issues, surely it has helped me, but I have had a lifelong struggle with mental illness, and the science shows that what I suffer from can be a relapsing and reoccurring condition. I know that the ketogenic diet helps, but it is not the be all and end all that I had hoped it would be for my mental health issues. I am surely still completely ketogenic and will remain so and my hope is that I will not have to be on medication long to get things turned around. But a little over a year ago I was in such a bad state the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called, I could barely function, I dreaded every day and could barely get through them, I could not stop crying and was crippled by horrific anxiety. That, after having been without Xanax for the most part for nearly 8 months, I have had to take it 3 times in the last week, after not having had it for many weeks before that, is not a good sign at all.

I am waiting for a call right now to see how to proceed. The medication is sitting right here because I had it refilled in January and never took it. I will soon know what my P.A. wants me to do. He is absolutely fabulous, he has been doing this for over 30 years and his understanding of medications and the individual is sensitive and profound. He cheered me on as I went on the ketogenic diet and started getting so much better. He adjusted my meds every 4 weeks until I was off of them completely and then, finally, I only had to see him every 3 months to check in. I think I will now be back to every 4 weeks and on medication. It breaks my heart, I had hoped never to be back here again, but I won’t rely on Xanax and I have to get this under control.

The stigma around mental illness and medication is absolutely brutal. And because some people have been prescribed too much medication with bad results, or become addicted to the Benzodiazapines, people are understandably afraid of the medications and warn you against them. But unless and until you have suffered for months and maybe years on end with crippling depression and anxiety and for me bipolar disorder, which seems not to be a problem for me right now, you cannot know how deep and terrible the suffering is, how miraculous the medication can be, and the knowledge, once on medication for which you are properly diagnosed and dosed, that you can actually have a life, that you can function, that you can get up in the morning without being so crippled by anxiety before you even get up that you are afraid to get up at all, well, that is a miracle. I said when I was finally off all medication that I was so happy to be off medication, but that if I ever had to go on it again I would. I hoped not to have to. I hope that maybe I will only have to go on medication again for a few months. But my brain chemistry will determine that and as I write this I don’t know if I will be going back on the Prozac again or not.

I have been fighting this for awhile now. I have been feeling so ashamed at the thought that having written so much about being able to go off medication I would end up back on it but I am unravelling, this is not good, and I will not feel shame for doing what I need to do to feel well again and better able to manage my life. I don’t yet know what this is going to look like in terms of which meds and how much but I will be writing about it here. I will keep you posted.

I am asking you, please, to hold me in your thoughts and prayers. I am having a really hard time. I am crying as I write this. But I have always been transparent and honest about my struggles in the hopes that I could help someone else who was suffering. I will continue to do so, and if you are suffering I will hold you in my heart and prayers. Please take care of yourself, get the help you need, do not be ashamed to take medication if you need it, and please get a good therapist. Mine saves me ongoing. Do not go without the help you need.