I have been looking for a spiritual home for a very long time. I was raised Catholic, attended many churches through my twenties and thirties and studied Buddhism for decades. I am a lifelong seeker but no church, in the formal sense, felt like a fit for me. I have never doubted my belief in God but formal religion never worked for me. And yet I need a connection with other people of faith, for whom a spiritual foundation is  key in their lives. Loving-kindness, compassion, a life dedicated to service, all of these things are important to me. In 2005 after my divorce I legally changed my name to Maitri because maitri is the Buddhist teaching of loving-kindness and compassion. I have longed for a place where everything that I felt, everything that I believed, would come together. I found it tonight.

I have been, as I have written, so terribly lonely it has been hard, at times, to hold on at all. I need to be around people, not just online, real people, here, in my community. Last Wednesday my therapist told me about this group and thought it would be a good fit for me. While not part of the Unitarian Church it is where they meet. I looked at their website online, in fact I read the whole thing, and I was stunned to see that everything I have been looking for, and longing for, was right there. It is called Spiritual Soul Center.  When I read the page on the foundation for the organization, what it means, what the core principles and practices are, it shocked me. How could everything I have been looking for be right there, in one place? I went tonight, and it was just what I have indeed been looking for. At a little table in the lobby I got a bumper sticker. I knew I was in the right place when I saw it. It simply said Loving Kindness. At the very bottom that says it all.

And what a perfect time to go for the first time. The first Sunday in advent. The service was beautiful, Rev. Paula Zabkar is just amazing. She is the one I’ve been looking for. I had tears in my eyes as she spoke. Tonight she talked about Dreams and Angels. She spoke about the Christmas story which is told in more than one book in the Bible. During a meditation time those who wished went up and lit a candle and said a prayer. To see all of our candles lit and glowing together moved me deeply. We sang Christmas songs from the book of hymns. It was all so beautiful, and the people there were so loving and open and kind. I had been very afraid to go, and all day long went back and forth inside myself as to whether I really could go. Finally I knew I had to and I did. This service tonight changed something inside of me, it was like coming home. I intend to go every week.

And so I have begun. I have taken a first step outside of myself. It is just one hour, one day a week, although next week they are going out to eat together afterward for fellowship and I intend to go. It is time for me to step outside myself, for an hour or two once a week. I think this is going to change my life.

I am a contemplative. I have lived alone in solitude and silence for, well, it will be 20 years in April. It is what my life mainly is. My work is and will be online. I intend to open my Patreon page early in the year and grow it slowly through the year. In this way, through my work, I will support myself with my writing and other offerings. But to have a connection to a spiritual community here in this town where I live is important too. Tonight Rev. Paula spoke about angels, and tonight I was touched by one. A miracle has occurred in my life. I am filled with awe and wonder. There is grace here, and love, and kindness. This is where I belong. I am filled with gratitude.

My heart is lighter than it has been for some time. I pray that I will find my way, be open to receive the blessings, and be a blessing, in my life, and through my work for others. It is all I have ever wanted. May it be so.