“The more our bodies fail us, the more naked and more demanding is the spirit, the more open and loving we can become if we are not afraid of what we are and of what we feel. I am not a phoenix yet, but here among the ashes, it may be that the pain is chiefly that of new wings trying to push through.”
May Sarton
Recovering: A Journal
Here, pushed to the edge of everything, when it feels as though I could plummet to my death or take flight I feel that I am on the verge of pushing through, of rising from the ashes of so much pain, and heartbreak, and fear, pushed to the brink by the loss of two beloved pugs, the hurricane, the current health challenge, as well as ongoing mental health challenges, I feel that it is a time of the spirit rising. I feel a prickling, a tiny sensation that is heralding a time ahead when I find my wings. I am ready to face my destiny, I am ready to take flight.
Surely all this must be leading to something, I tell myself, here in my chair with my legs stretched out, my feet up, my little pug tucked in beside me. Now I have to take my medicine, I have to rest, but as I do, from the vantage point of limitations, of being stripped down to essence, only able to do the absolute essentials to get through the day, I look around me at all of the things, too many things, that I have been trying to do or believing I must do. When you can do very little you start to look at the long list of to do’s and start crossing things off the list.
As the weeks go by and I begin to feel better and get the okay from the doctor to do a little more the things that I add back in will be as few as possible because healing and self-care are going to be the central themes in my life for some time to come. I have to take care of myself, and Pugsley. I have to wade through the rest of things I must to recover from the hurricane damage. After the first of the year I have to start working with someone to help me figure out how to handle the whole process of Medicare and what it all means. And somewhere in there I want to create my Patreon page, and grow it slowly, and build, over the next year, something that I can be proud of. In this time of rest and recovering I am looking hard at what, truly, I have to offer. There have been too many projects in my mind, I am paring it down to the absolute essence of what I believe is most important to me. Looking at it from this place I am finding it a revelation. I want to say more but it is too soon.
I have been so afraid. As we grow older we know things will come up and at 64 it isn’t surprising that something has but I wasn’t prepared to hear about this blood clot. I guess we never are prepared for whatever news we receive when it comes to our health, but I take comfort in the fact that having been on the ketogenic diet for over 13 months I am down 62 pounds, my bloodwork is good, I am no longer in the diabetic range, and I am much healthier than I was a year ago. As I continue to follow this diet which I intend to for the rest of my life and lose all the rest of the weight I need to lose and get through this challenging time with the blood clot I see myself healthier than I have been in most of my adult life. That’s how I am choosing to see myself, healthy, whole, strong, radiant, joyful, and doing the work I was born to do. With wings!
It has been a good day. My darling Rachel came over this morning and was here from about 10 until 12:30. We had coffee and visited, we watched our shows (“This Is Us,” and an episode of our new amazon show we are watching and really ticked with, “Homecoming” with Julia Roberts. It’s creepy and fabulous!), and when she left I finished watching the most incredible documentary that I started watching last night, also on amazon, called Leaving My Father’s Faith. It was absolutely fabulous.
I have had a new helper here to do yardwork and he did an amazing job out there clearing out all kind of half dead bushes and detritus and vines and debris. The hurricane cleanup is neverending. And my sweet daughter Jenny called a little while ago and I got to talk to she and my little 3 year old grandson Silas. That little one just lights me up like a Christmas tree! I am looking forward to a FaceTime chat with my dear friend Maggie this evening and then I am going to watch one of my all-time favorite movies that happens to be a Thanksgiving movie, Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter. I have watched it many times and it just delights me and makes me laugh and laugh every time I see it. I remember reading many years ago about Norman Cousins who cured himself of a life-threatening illness by watching funny movies, lots of them, and there are a number of sites online about him and how healing laughter is. I’m tired of being afraid and sad and anxious. Time to put on the holiday feel good movies and laugh and be happy. I think that’s a good way to grow wings! And then of course it helps enormously having a small boy to make you smile. This is Pugsley right now, this very minute, laying here with me resting on my “bad” leg helping make it better…
Oh that face!
It has been a good day. Thoughts of wings has taken me far. I want to keep going in this direction. I want to find what joy I can in the middle of all of these hard days, for surely it is here. I want to feel my wings stretch and grow. I am leaning into thoughts of flight.
