First of all if you did not read yesterday’s post you will not likely understand this one. I hate to be a bother but for clarity’s sake it would be best if you could go read that post.

The issue, really, is about how we get into patterns, or grooves, in our lives, and expect them to go on as they have been, but how letting go of what was and finding our way into what may be is the only way we can survive with any degree of ease and grace.

This has been coming for me for some time, years really, but when the hurricane hit September 14 my whole world was turned upside down. Still, I tried to hang on to what was, or what I thought should be.

I have been trying to figure out how I could teach again, how I could do my podcasts, my Comfort Calls (Which I put up a couple of weeks ago and removed), how I could work with people one on one. I badly need the income and this month, with the holidays, property and car taxes, a whole lot of post hurricane work, and more, makes it a positively frightening time financially for me, so I was going to try to do things that I have always done well and made income doing, but, when that hurricane hit in September it started a ball rolling through my life that was like a bowling ball heading straight at me that knocked down all the pins. The hurricane, Delilah sick and dying, the 2nd pug this year I have lost, Pugsley’s life in jeopardy, and the blood clot that will take months to (hopefully) heal, medical bills to deal with with social services and more, well, it has taken me down. Finally, we must realize that the life that was can no longer be, and as we do we must take a deep breath and let go of all that we thought would be, and accept what is.

Herein lies the rub.

Because we do care what other people think of us. We care that someone will think something like “She just put those Comfort Calls up again and she is taking them down already?” We have said we would do certain things and we are not unreliable people and we care deeply but when life comes along and whacks us down every time we get up and try again I think we have to look at that. I am looking at this very closely now.

I wrote about it yesterday. There are things I can do, and I will be doing them, but they are not, with very few exceptions, what I have thought that I would be doing. And I have watched someone whom I have cared about deeply and who has challenges start a Patreon page and then not been able to keep up what he had promised, but he had already taken money from people for the things he had offered. I can’t and won’t do that. I will create things and offer them. I won’t hedge my bets and take money promising what I will offer at some present or future time. If I have created something it is here, you can buy it if you are interested, and I have no further commitment. This is my plan.

I don’t know how to do this, but I won’t promise something and be unable to deliver. I won’t go down that slippery slope. 

I am not sure how to do this, but I am trying hard to find my way. It’s all I can do right now. It will be enough. I has to.