“When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never walk alone.”

You’ll Never Walk Alone
Carousel, 1945
Rodgers & Hammerstein

I have been so afraid.

I have been more afraid than I have ever been in my life.

As a bi polar woman who is agoraphobic and suffers from both PTSD and a severe anxiety disorder living with life’s challenges is always challenging but when my home burned down on February 5 I lost my safe haven, and, losing the safe place that I need to cope with everything else and get through life has been painful and debilitating, but by now, 6 months after the fire, still not in my home, with an estimated month and a half left before I will be able to, and trying to work sometimes 16 hour days to build a business to take care of myself and my animals and get on with life, with funds dwindling like the sands of the hour glass, I have fallen into one of the darkest periods of my life.

And some things are just hard because they are so humiliating. Writing here and asking for help. And today spending over 2 hours on the phone with Blue Cross, Blue Shield dealing with the fact that I can no longer afford my health insurance, but with all of the issues I have and having to take 4 medications each month that I cannot afford to be without, well, it is all very hard and so humiliating a process that just writing about it here I can barely breathe. But I have to. So many others are going through this and are afraid one has to just buck up and speak up. This whole insurance business has gotten so complicated there is no such thing as calling, explaining what happened and telling them that I just can’t afford it but can’t be without my meds so can I please just downgrade to the cheapest program possible so I can get my meds? Uh, no, you can’t do that. 2 hours on the phone and I’ve only begun a process that will take many calls and many months to work out. I literally got off the phone with them at 2, spent 2 hours on a work call and was just hanging up the phone when I got yet another call needing to deal with the house business with the insurance company. It is 6:09 p.m. I got ON the phone with Blue Cross, Blue Shield at noon. I am a nervous wreck and I feel physically ill, but…

Here’s what I know that I didn’t know 6 hours ago:

1.) One way or another I will be able to deal with the insurance issue. It will be a pain bigger than the moon, require many nerve-wracking phone calls, lots of paperwork, more humiliating hoops to jump through than I ever imagined I would have to jump through, (Just like a whole lot of other folks are having to.) BUT, it is just that … phone calls, paperwork, hoops to jump through, and more than a little embarrassment. But you know what? I can do that. I wish I didn’t have to, but I can do what I have to do. My mantra for a long time now, and never more than right now, is Marie Forleo’s “Everything is figureoutable.” (A pain in the ass, but figureoutable, yes.) And I will, because I have to. What else is there?

2.) I have taken on a new job that I am training for. It is not my dream job. It is not something that I ever thought that I would do to support myself. I am an artist/writer/small press publisher/teacher/mentor and I, like so many others, would love to support myself with my heart work, and I am still going to work very hard at building those things, but they are going to take some time to make the income that I need so I am taking on a new job. It is not poetic, artistic, glamorous, nor is it anything that I ever imagined doing to support myself. That having been said, and given that I am in training and spending my days watching webinars and going through a long training process and will only start making some income in the next few weeks and it will take awhile to build what I know today, even more after getting off the long business call, is that this is something that I can do, that I can work hard at and make income doing. And even more shocking to my 60 year old romantic natured, it’s all about the heart and soul work OR YOU ARE NOT LIVING YOUR BIG AND GRAND LIFE, I am actually looking forward to doing it, it is a relief, I am going to like it, it feels restful even, in a way, to do something that doesn’t have my whole heart and soul on the line every damned minute feeling like if I can’t support myself, at least right away, with THE BIG DREAM, then I am a failure. Pish tosh. I have to work like everyone else and it will take time to build and it’s really scary now and will be for awhile but everyone has to work and I have to do this and Look Chicken Little! it’s not all about poetry and roses but that’s just rosey. I am grateful, and I will do the work of the heart and this and feel grateful to do both.

3). The insurance process is scary as all get out. It is more complicated than I can possibly explain, I hope and pray NONE of you ever have your house burn down, I am so weary from dealing with all of this I simply cannot tell you how many tears I have shed, and more today, and more will be shed, how many nights I have not slept, but I learned this today. I spent another 2 hours on the phone with the supervisor over everybody I have been talking to for 6 months. He explained things to me that no one ever has, or if they did I was in such horrible shape I couldn’t take in what was being said, and yes, some people dropped the ball and things didn’t get done right but have I not made mistakes? Today I learned that these people want to help me get back in my house and there are good people trying to help me and no I’m not getting the money back that I’d hoped I would but I understand more about a lot of things and I understand that no, life isn’t always “fair” but I have a choice, as we always do in all things. I can either waste my precious time moaning and complaining or I can be as kind to them as I hope they will be to me and work with them, figure out what we can together, do what I have to do on my own alone, and make the best of my life that I possibly can.

I woke up today so afraid. And my new coffee machine just purchased since I got in the rental wouldn’t work. It felt like the end of the world. In fact, it obviously wasn’t, it is just one more thing to deal with. I am still afraid. I feel overwhelmed and I am so tired my bones hurt, but I will survive. I will survive and I will thrive and I will hold my head up high. And I learned that I am not alone, and that I need not be afraid of the dark.

Some day I will hear the sweet silver song of the lark. Some day you will too…

Warm gentle love to one and all,