Some days

Some days drift in quietly, before we are awake, and are pushing against us from the time we open our eyes. Not so that we might notice so much except that those are the days that we start out uneasy and never quite get comfortable in our own skin.

On these days we are not what we could call depressed, and anxiety isn’t as much an issue as it may be on other days, but our sense of things being alright in the world around us just isn’t quite there. We are not as afraid as we are at other times but nor are we able to sit comfortably in our chair. We may be tired but if we try to nap we feel restless, our body will not let down, and if we try to force the issue we may find ourself not quite crying, but near tears. Not really teary but aware that we could easily be. We can’t put our finger on what’s wrong but we know that things are not right.

On these days we drift from thing to thing, trying our best to accomplish the day’s tasks, and we do get some things accomplished, but never quite as much as we’d hoped. We are not exactly “waiting for the other shoe to drop” as much as not, perhaps, being quite sure where the shoe is at all. We know that things are likely going to turn out just fine but we are, well, a little unsettled about a thing or two that are coming in the days ahead. We just want to get past them as fast as possible so that we can carry on, even though what comes after that will carry its own oddities and uncertainties. One thing we are certain of, pretty much all the time now, is that we are never quite ever completely at ease. And this is not going to change. Not this late in the game. And what are we to do about it? There is nothing we can do but carry on.

This is one of those days for me. There is nothing that I can tell you that is wrong, I am not depressed or overly anxious (Although a dissonant chord does kind of play randomly in my head just when things get quiet…), but I can’t quite figure out what to do with myself. I have gotten some things done but it doesn’t feel like enough. I have things before me that I will get done because I must (Feed the pugs, get them out and in and out and in.) but a couple of things that are on my list here are glaring at me from the page and make me look the other way. I both want to speed time up to get past next week when I am dreading something, and slow things down because I don’t want to miss the precious things and want to hold onto them as long as I can. The present moment is almost entirely escaping me. Mindfulness is fleeting at best.

Some days are like this. I get through them and carry on.