My darling Pugsley and I…

This morning I was on the phone with my dear friend Katya when the vet beeped in. They were calling to tell me that Delilah’s ashes were ready to be picked up. I just completely went to pieces. It was too soon, how could she be in my arms yesterday and ashes today? Too soon, too soon, too soon! I told them I was not going to leave the house before Monday, they completely understood and told me to take my time. I have a wonderful vet, they have adored my pugs and been so good to them. They were devastated when Tanner passed suddenly and unexpectedly in April. Everyone is in shock and heartbroken over Delilah. And everyone loves my precious little senior, Pugsley, who is 12 and was diagnosed with a collapsed trachea a year and a half ago. At the time I was told I might not have him another 6 months but he has done so well on medication that most of the time you wouldn’t know anything was wrong with him. Most of the time.

Pugsley does not do well at all when he is left alone. Twice in the last few months my dear friend Noni has come here to stay with the pugs after an emergency when I had to go out to an appointment myself that I couldn’t easily cancel. In July Delilah had caught her toenail in a thread in the quilt in the middle of the night and ripped it half off and there was blood everywhere. I jumped up and rushed her to the emergency vet hospital in the middle of the night where they removed it and wrapped her all up. She had to be watched. Noni came a couple of days later to stay with her while I went to the doctor myself. Delilah, who was so bonded to me she wouldn’t leave the door I had left from stayed there steadfast the whole time I was gone watching for me. Pugsley was inconsolable, beside himself. On Wednesday Noni was here again on what turned out to be Delilah’s final day on earth. It wasn’t good, and once again Pugsley was beside himself. And now Delilah is gone. We three slept together, were together all day long, always by one another’s side. Delilah was some comfort, I believe, for Pugsley, on the rare occasions when I had to leave the house. Now she is gone.

I looked at my calendar. I had 2 routine appointments in November. I have rescheduled them both until January. But I have weekly therapy that is crucial for me. My beloved therapist, an amazing dog person herself, told me to bring Pugsley with me to therapy. This Wednesday, for the first time, I will be doing just that. I don’t know how it will go but I have to give it a try. But that is only a partial solution.

I have to be able to leave the house sometimes (I can’t take him grocery shopping with me). And leaving him alone is not a good solution. And while I am nowhere near ready to think about adopting another dog I am in the position of not feeling ready but having a little boy here who suffers so much anxiety if I have to leave him for a short time, and there are of course times when I have to leave him, that adopting another little somebody is going to come a lot sooner than I would otherwise feel ready. And this time of the year makes it all the more complicated.

My dogs are everything to me, and as my therapist would tell you, they are not just “pets” they truly do serve as unofficial service dogs for me. Being without a dog would put me at risk emotionally. I cannot state that strongly enough. And Pugsley suffers so terribly being left alone that is not a good situation either. And, of all times for this to have happened, this month is Thanksgiving. And next month is Christmas, one of only 2 times a year when I see my out of town children and their families, my precious grandbabies, and we all meet at my daughter Rachel’s house because she and her family have a big house with a big dining room table where we all fit. Though I seldom leave my house I am out several times over the Christmas week, gone a few hours at a time, and leaving Pugsley alone would not be a good option. Even with a friend it will not be a good option and I am upset and afraid about it, and there is no one who can help me then because after all it will be Christmas and everyone will be involved with their own families. There is only one possible solution and that is for me to adopt another dog as soon as possible. For Pugsley, for me, for both of us.

Here’s what I know. Unless some extraordinary circumstance occurred I will not be adopting any more pugs. The adoption fees are too high for me now and pugs come with possible health issues that I simply cannot sustain. Of course when you take on a beloved animal companion of any breed they can have vet issues and that is my biggest fear in the world. On the heels of the hurricane to have had over $1000 in vet bills for Delilah in a little over a week was devastating. I had to use money sent me to help with hurricane repairs to pay for her eye care which didn’t save her, and in the end for her end of life putting her to sleep, cremation, etc. I have had 4 of the 11 pugs that I adopted that had serious, very expensive eye issues and one died on the operating table when they were removing her eye. And then there is the whole pug thing. Pugs are my preferred dog, pugs have my heart, but I have adopted mostly seniors, I have lost so many, and my heart can’t take it anymore. Delilah was my heart and soul. I will never have another little girl like her. Pugsley is my angel boy. He will be the last pug that I ever have. This is more heartbreaking than I can express. Delilah’s loss is compounded by these other issues and makes it hard for me to know how to go on.

I said to the vet this morning, and they understood both my devastation and my need to adopt and are going to try to help me, that I don’t want a puppy or a senior. I need a healthy dog with, God willing, a lot of years left. And I need a quiet, gentle breed that will be a good fit with my darling Pugsley. And I need a smaller person, not a big dog. I can’t physically handle a big dog if there was an emergency, and I need a little person who can snuggle up in the big recliner Pugsley and I sleep in. I need a little person who will fit in. I don’t know how to find that special little someone, but I hope to find him or her soon because I want to get Pugsley used to whoever comes in, and them used to him. I want us to bond as a family. And God help me I’d like to have Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner with my family and not worry the entire time if Pugsley was okay. I won’t leave him often or long but there will be times when I have to. I am cancelling everything but therapy and food shopping until the end of the year. My sole task is to find the right companion to fit in with our family.

This is devastating. Simply devastating. I am still reeling in such shock over Delilah’s loss I simply cannot tell you. But I have a little boy here who depends completely on me. And in the middle of the night I was so horror struck wondering what would happen to me if Pugsley’s time came and I was alone, well, you perhaps cannot understand that but again my dogs are like service dogs for me. Life with a dog is not a luxury for me. Life without a dog is untenable. When I say I cannot survive without a dog I am not overstating the case.

So this is my job now. Before I am ready, when my heart is so broken I can barely breathe, when I am in such shock and grief I don’t know how to proceed, and when I have no other choice.

Please pray for me, for us, little Pugsley and I. I am so scared, I am so heartbroken, I am absolutely shaking I am crying so hard as I write this, and I don’t know what else to do. We need help. God help us, we need help.