I knew these days would come.

I didn’t know they would come this soon but I knew they would come.

These are the days when your mood dips, unexpectedly, and kind of takes your breath away because of a sudden change in elevation. All is not lost, by any means, but it’s one of the harder days.

I made myself a promise one week ago. I promised myself that I would do this project for 365 days. I started on a day when, after months of ceaseless depression and anxiety and many changes in drugs and dosages I had a lift, much sooner than I expected, a greater sense of well-being than I had had in time remembered, and I felt that I was on my way up to a better place. But I have been slipping these last days. I will not, however, give up on my project, and perhaps my being honest about the struggle but continuing on in the face of it all is the most important thing in this experiment. Can a lifelong depressive with a basket full of difficult diagnoses find happiness? And if so how? And what does it look like? And how does one stay steady on the days it is, overnight, unexpectedly harder? One just does, that’s all, at least this is what I am choosing to believe.

I did all the morning things, the dogs, coffee, and I sat here ready to do this blog post, and I searched through thousands of free images to find one I could use here, and I never really found what I was looking for, but then I saw this beautiful butterfly, resting on the window, and I thought that yes, resting is a good thing. Showing up and holding the space and continuing on, knowing you won’t give up no matter what, is an important step on the journey, on the search for happiness. No one laughs their way through life, but one can show up, say hello dear friends, I’m thinking about you today, I am holding a good thought for you and I am wishing you well. I am okay, and I will be okay. If you are having a hard day you will hold on too, you will make it, this is huge for us today. Don’t give up on the hard days, remember that showing up is just absolutely excellent, it is positive ground to build on.

I am smiling a soft gentle smile at you, it is a little smile, but it is full of hope. That is what I have to offer today, I hope it is enough. I will be back again tomorrow, I will continue on. Tomorrow is another day…

Love,

 

 

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda