On taking my own advice

At the end of yesterday’s blog post I wrote, “…if I can do this you can do something too. Pick one thing, do it, no excuses.” I wrote it yesterday morning and then made my lunch, scallops that I had purchased when I did my first food shopping after the hurricane. They were frozen scallops that I had thawed as per the directions in the refrigerator overnight, something I never buy because they are not really in my budget, a post hurricane treat as I did the big shopping to restock my refrigerator and freezer on Monday. They tasted pretty good when I ate them but within an hour I began getting sick. Very sick. I was terribly ill all day long. Seems that it was food poisoning. I was in tears I was so sick. Tomorrow I am returning all of the frozen fish and meat I bought. I don’t trust any of it. I was near despair. It was a hard night last night, I was up and down. Near 6, exhausted, I took a Xanax to try to relax to hopefully get some rest, and I did for a little while, but I woke up wrung out. When I looked at those words I’d written I shook my head. Who the hell am I to tell anybody “… do it, no excuses.” Well today I had lots of excuses why I wouldn’t show up here at all. I’m here, but I will never again tell anybody any damned thing they should or shouldn’t do and I am ashamed of myself for having done so.

One of the things I have suffered from coming out of long term childhood trauma is PTSD and I feel waves of PTSD sweeping through post hurricane. All of the hours here in the dark with the hurricane raging, hearing trees fall, one against the house, looking outside when it was all over and seeing trees down everywhere, through the fence, disasters in every direction. My precious little pugs suffered so terribly from the heat, panting so hard they could barely sleep at night and I was terrified I might lose my Pugsley who has a collapsed trachea. He does well on medication but not when it was nearly 90 degrees in here. We were all suffering but I wasn’t afraid for myself. I was terrified for the dogs. And the list goes on and on. Getting so sick yesterday completely undid me emotionally, I lost my moorings, nothing felt safe, even buying supposedly good food after the hurricane had given me food poisoning. Now I don’t know what to buy. I’m afraid, I am so afraid.

Thank God Rachel was here with me last night. Today dear Eleanor, a friend of Rachel’s who comes to help me a couple of times a month in the house is here today. She is helping get things cleaned up and I know that will feel good. I am doing more laundry. But I am afraid to go out, my agoraphobia is bad since the hurricane and now I have to go out again tomorrow to return all this food and buy what? I don’t know.

And I am in much better shape than many in this town. I have my home, I am not flooded out, I have damage, I don’t know where the money will come from to take down all the trees that need to come down but a number of people have sent donations that paid for getting the tree off the house, money to go toward food and some small repairs and that is a blessing. I know that one way or another I will make it through but right now, well, this blog is the one thing I will do each day and God knows I’m not sure how, but I will. But I’ll be damned if I am going to suggest to anyone else what they should do and I apologize for doing so yesterday.

Life is hard. We are all doing the best we can. We all survive any way we can figure out how to and I, like everyone else in this town, am going day by day just trying to figure it out. I hope you will forgive me for what I said yesterday. I meant well, I truly did, but it was, if you will pardon me for putting it so bluntly, a crock of shit. I can’t tell you what you can or should do, I will just encourage you to take care of yourself, do the best that you can in your own way and time to get through life feeling safe and okay. I am doing the same. And I am shaky, and I am teary, and I am just holding on. I will continue to hold on. More than that, more than one day, one moment at a time I cannot promise but I am here now.