Name and claim your dream

“Knitting With Her Little Loves (Lily and Theodore the pugs and Millie The Cat)…”

I have tried drawing and painting while listening to podcasts. I even tried while listening to music. Neither is right. I need to draw and paint in the silence so I can hear what Anna is saying to me.

In the beginning I thought that I would be telling my story, through Anna, sharing what I wanted to share through her, omitting what I didn’t want to say, and embellishing a little. I thought I would be writing and illustrating a book for women midlife and beyond, my usual target audience, the tribe of women I am a part of and feel closest too, but as I listen to Anna she begins to tell me that we need to go a different way.

Anna is now a woman of indeterminate age. Not young or old, simply a woman living her life in the world. Maybe a bit of a quirky life, but in the end aren’t all of our lives a little quirky, even if they don’t look so from the outside in? Admittedly, ahem, some of our lives are a little quirkier than others! But in the ways in which Anna’s life is quirky I am developing such a tenderness toward her, and I am feeling more compassion for my own life in the process. And I have daughters and friends in their 30’s and 40’s as well as friends in their 70’s, 80’s, and beyond. I want Anna to speak to all women. That feels right.

And then there is the process of drawing and painting Anna’s life. I had thought, originally, that I would do a new painting each day but that is not possible. I need, first, to take my time drawing the picture. There is a lot of detail. It takes time. And I have to sit quietly and listen to what wants to come through. I thought that Anna would have two pugs like I do, and she does, but she also wanted a cat. And in this drawing instead of a shelf full of books she wanted plants there, and some of her yarn. The whole thing felt as though it were teeming with life. Had I been listening to a podcast while I was drawing it wouldn’t be the picture it became. It is a very thoughtful process, this whole business of creating Anna’s world, and the story that will be told in her book to go along with the pictures is something I am thinking about too. I need space to think because I am not just making pictures, I am telling a story.

And then I did something bold on Instagram today. I have never messed with hashtags. They seemed burdensome and I never cared for people’s posts that seemed to have 176 hashtags after them, it seemed a blatant act of self-promotion, and I have always really done Instagram for myself, like a diary, the moments of my day. But now I am venturing into the world of hashtags because I have found that when you are doing a thing and you use hashtags you connect with like-minded people, there is a communal feeling, and surely writing and making art are communal acts. I like that. So I have used hashtags about Anna and drawing and painting but today I took a bold leap into saying something outloud, something that has been in my heart for 5 1/2 years since I started drawing my Ladies in The 100 Ladies Project.

I wanted to write and illustrate a book but I didn’t have the confidence, I was afraid, I didn’t think I drew well enough to do it. Well today, after I finished the painting at the top of this post, when I was adding a few hashtags, I put #illustrator! I felt shy, and kind of giddy, and all can-I-really-say-that? And then I just went for it. I am writing and illustrating a book, I am a writer and an illustrator. Lookie what I did there, I just put my dreams right down there in a public place for all the world to see. That is what we have to do with our dreams. We have to claim them, we have to name them, we have to begin.

And here’s the thing… I could not have done any of this without having done this 365 day experiment. I was just talking to a friend about this on the phone this afternoon. And as I am getting ready to start the next 365 day project and having invited other people to join me with their own project and work alongside me there has been a lot of discussion. What should I write about, they ask? What kind of project could I do? And I tell them this. It doesn’t matter what your project is, it could be anything if it’s meaningful to you. The real power is not what you are writing about but in showing up to do it at all, everyday, without fail, no matter what happens.

I have written, over the last year, in the throes of anxiety and depression, when I wasn’t feeling well, when I was exhausted from barely sleeping the night before, or when it was very late and I was very tired but I wouldn’t go to bed without getting a post up. I wrote when my beloved Tanner pug died. I wrote through countless things I would have heretofore thought were very good excuses not to do a thing. This last year I haven’t allowed myself to do that. Now I’m not saying something couldn’t occur that would prevent me from writing. If I were very ill, or some terrible life emergency happened, it might cause me to miss a day, but if I did I would simply pick up with the next numbered day when I began again. There would still be 365 days, but it would have to be something extreme to cause that to happen, it hasn’t happened yet.

And the thing is not allowing myself not to write, keeping a very firm commitment to my daily blog practice, for it becomes a spiritual practice, anything does that you commit to daily and deeply, has changed my life. It has given me confidence in myself and my abilities across the board. I can decide to do something and do it. That sounds so simplistic but I can assure you it is not. This practice has affected my life across the board in every conceivable area of my life. Committing to drawing and painting and recording my journey of doing Anna’s book over the next year ahead could never have happened had I not done this.

I would not have begun teaching again. And after a lifetime of being on every diet known to modern woman, and a member of Weight Watchers so many times I lost count, and having been at one point almost 400 pounds, well, I will be celebrating my one year anniversary on the ketogenic diet next month. I am down 50 pounds and counting, have had a number of amazing health benefits because of this diet, and while I did go back on medication for 10 days I have been off psychiatric meds for over 8 months. I credit the diet for all of this. And I have never been able to stick to any diet in my life. I know that this daily practice of blogging, showing up every day come what may, has reinforced my ability to do a thing and stick with it. It is truly the most remarkable thing I have ever done. And so I have named my dream, I have claimed it, and I am going for it full stop!

I hope you will consider joining Anna and I with your own project. We will be starting on Monday, September 24, the day after I complete this current project. I will share some tips and hints along the way about how I did this, or things I’ve learned but it is up to you to find your own way as I did. We are each on our own journey but we will be companions on the journey. You can share your links to your blog posts here when you comment on mine. There is strength in numbers. And you are not doing this for anyone else but yourself. As you launch your project you will be naming your dream, claiming it, and giving it life in the world, and you will be changing your own life in the process. I can attest to this, it has been a miracle for me in my life.