My mind like a bad neighborhood

“My mind is a bad neighborhood that I try not to go into alone.”
Anne Lamott

That may be the most important quote I have ever put on this blog, and it is certainly profoundly true, and it is why it means more than I can rightly express about why when you take the time to comment (And I not only answer everyone thoughtfully and from the heart but if you comment you should come back, not just to read what I have written back to you but often other commenters will answer you too, or you will have sparked something for them that they will have responded to. We all get lost in our scary neighborhoods.) it means the world to me. I cannot stay in this neighborhood alone. I will go stark raving mad if I do.

And I cannot say enough about Anne Lamott. I have loved Annie’s work for so long I can’t remember life before her. I have her physical paper books (She is one of the few people’s books I will actually buy now, money for books being in short supply), but some years ago I bought an audio version of Annie reading her own work and I was smitten. The way she reads her books aloud is mesmerizing. Now I buy both the paper version and the audio version and if I can only buy one I will get the audio version. Audible books is one of the greatest things around for this reason. I have lost count of how many times I have listened to the non-fiction books she has written these last several years. And look for podcasts with her online and on YouTube. There is just so much Annie-goodness out there. And her Facebook page is something you want to keep track of. Here is a post I just shared on my Facebook page that she published yesterday as an example of the wonderful long posts she writes there that help keep me sane and help me make sense of this mad mad world.

Some days, like Saturday, I wake up so filled with anxiety, so afraid, feeling so alone and near despair, that reaching out via these blog posts and people’s comments back to me here literally keep me safe in the bad neighborhood that is my mind. Living in this “neighborhood” is also the reason why I want to venture out into the world a little more, to be around other living beings, to try to make friends, even just to expand my horizons a little more. And since I wrote about it yesterday and because I know people are wondering I did indeed make it to the Stitch and Bitch meetup yesterday. What I will say is that the yarn shop was adorable as was the sweet woman who owns the shop and runs the meetup, the people there were all lovely, couldn’t have been nicer, I’m glad I went, but it just wasn’t what I was looking for. And the parking downtown in the historic district which is now heavy with tourists and will be until fall was so awful that after having circled the block numerous times I had to use a pay parking lot which was $10.50 for the 3 hours, prepaid. I was horrified but I had no choice. I simply cannot pay $40 a month to park somewhere for the weekly meetings. So, glad I went, won’t be going back. I am not giving up, however, on finding an outlet to meet people and make friends, it will just take time.

The thing is I have a lot of connections online at this point, what I need are real life, in person relationships. I’m not looking to go out left and right, I am no party animal, but a friend or two or a warm friendly group of people who feel like “my people” would be such a boon in my life. Driving home from the meetup yesterday I was wondering about that, just who are “my people,” what does that mean? The people there were absolutely lovely, truly, but didn’t create that spark in me that I have felt in years past at certain times, that feeling where you love being there and can’t wait to go back, or maybe a spark that happens with a certain person you meet there. I’m not talking about a romantic spark, I’m talking about when you know, just know, that you have met someone with whom you were destined to be friends! And then my daughter put it succintly when she said, “You are looking for artsy, funky people.” Yes. And maybe kind of old hippies, and not just old hippies but old hippies! I see a group where people on the “young” side are in their 50’s. One of the things I notice when I see groups advertise in town is that they are all so young, teens, twenties, maybe 30’s at the oldest. You see I have children that are 35, 38 and 41. I am looking for my peers. Artsy, creative, funky, old hippie types who are my peers or older. The one woman I loved meeting yesterday was in her 80’s, but she was very quiet and didn’t stay really long. And what kind of group do you look for that has artsy, funky, creative, old hippie types who are my peers? I just haven’t a clue and I surely haven’t seen anything in this town that sounds like it fits this criteria. And I am not so narrow minded that people who don’t quite fit this criteria wouldn’t fit in, but this would be the overall feel that I would be looking for.

May Sarton used to quote a poem that she loved. I wish I could find it to share it’s source but I cannot. The line I have remembered and carried with me for a very long time is, “Be they near or be they far would I where my people are.” I have found people who are far, people online, lovely people, many whom have become dear friends and acquaintances, but a person needs some who are near, too. I don’t know how to find my people.

In the end the truth is that most of the people I know and love and have interchanges with will be right here, online, through this blog, or Facebook, or email. And know that if that is you I cherish and appreciate you more than you will ever know. And if you will take time to write to me here you will be helping me to stay safe in this dangerous, scary neighborhood that is my mind, you will be helping to save me. Write to me here and I will write back to you, we will save each other. In this often cold and scary world we can do that, you and I, we can manage that, can’t we? Let us try…