I wake up with this little boy in my lap every morning and go to sleep snuggled up with him every night…

Finally today I was able to have a long conversation with my dear vet, the vet that is the regular vet that has seen my pugs in these last years. There are 2 vets in the practice, both very good, but Dr. Dixon has been our vet, seen my pugs, and knows them well. It was a terrible jolt not to have her there early last Thursday morning when I had to have Delilah put to sleep but dear Dr. Halverson was very gentle and kind and wonderful with us. Still, I wanted to talk to Dr. Dixon. Unfortunately Thursday was her day off and Friday she was out of town for a conference. We finally talked today.

I talked to her about all of my concerns about Pugsley. He has never been an “only pug” having been adopted in 2011 and come into a pug household where he was one of 4 pugs. I lost one little girl in January 2017 and then there were 3. By then, due to financial considerations, I could not adopt, as I would have done before the fire, any more. And then I lost my beloved Tanner in April, a terrible shock, because he was my baby, the youngest of the 3, had just had his yearly checkup in March and deemed “so beautiful and healthy” but on April 6 he went out through the doggie door to go potty at 10:00 and when, 15 minutes later he hadn’t come in, I went out and there he was, he had gone out to the potty, laid down, and died. He looked so beautiful for a split second I thought he was just sleeping, which of course made no sense but he was laying there just perfect, his little face resting on his front paws. I went completely to pieces. Luckily my son was visiting from Atlanta and was staying with my daughter Rachel. I called them just in hysterics and they rushed over. Aaron buried sweet Tanner. No one, not Dr. Dixon who had done his yearly exam, no one could figure out what had happened. She said it must have been “a sudden cardiac event” or something of that sort but he ran around with us all day having fun in the garden, eating his regular meals, just a seemingly normal boy.

And then, Delilah.

I have written about what this sweet girl meant to me, my soul mate, my angel, my beloved girl. She had her yearly checkup in September and was deemed healthy and doing well. We all went through the hurricane together, she and Pugsley and I, and the weeks after, but in the middle of the night on the 24th of October we ended up half the night in the emergency hospital, and a week and a half of numerous visits to the vet and tons of medication and the best of care and finally, it was realized, too late, that it wasn’t just an eye injury but something systemic and serious and deadly, and Thursday morning she crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

And now Pugsley and I forge ahead alone. But it is not so easy. What do I do with this beloved senior with a collapsed trachea who does well on medication, pretty well, but does NOT do well left alone? Separation anxiety is an understatement. Even when Delilah was here with him — and this is key — he didn’t do well when I left. My friend Noni stayed with them twice, in May when Delilah had a middle of the night emergency and had to have a toenail removed and then couldn’t be left alone but I had a doctor’s appointment, and then last Wednesday when I needed to get to therapy and vote and get more pain medication for her, with Delilah here, with Noni here, Pugsley was beside himself because I had left him.

So you see, here’s the thing. My immediate response, even though I was so devastated over the loss of Delilah I could barely breathe, but Pugsley’s welfare was my number one concern, was to try to adopt a little person to be company for Pugsley in case I had to leave, but he had lived with Delilah for years and that wasn’t enough comfort for him. Since Delilah died I have been online searching for a possible companion. Through “Pawprints” that lists all local rescues and shelters, through Petfinder, Pug Rescue, and so on but there was no suitable companion. I don’t want a puppy (Too high energy for Pugsley) or another senior (My heart just can’t take it and you are heading right into the last years when vet bills are extremely high) and… and this is a terrible thing for me, pugs can just come with more health issues, as can other purebred dogs, that someone like me, nearly 65, on a small fixed income, simply does not have the luxury of being able to afford. That ship sailed some time ago. The babies that were here got everything they needed and always would but taking anymore on was simply not an option.

Dr. Dixon and I had a very serious conversation about this. Pugs come with too many possible vet issues. And, she said she felt it was too soon for me to adopt. My heart was grieving too badly and Pugsley hadn’t seemed to be helped by a companion even when Delilah was here. Another dog will of course come one day — being without a dog is not possible for me, as I have written they are like service dogs for me — but it is too soon. Dr. Dixon also said that while there are never any guarantees a little mixed breed dog that needed a home would likely be healthier and have less vet issues than a pug or other purebred when the time was right. A hard reality and the truth of our senior years, senior meaning both Pugsley and I.

What Dr. Dixon talked to me about was somewhat sobering. I asked her about medication to calm Pugsley if I had to be gone 2 or 3 hours which wouldn’t happen often but then, as I wrote yesterday, the holidays are fast approaching and that is a whole different matter when family is in town. She said that because he is on very serious medication, Hycodan (Hydrocodone) for his collapsed trachea, some of the medication another dog could take could put him at risk. She suggested a supplement that was very effective for a lot of dogs with anxiety issues but which would take a good 4 weeks to get in his system, Solliquin. When I went to pick up Delilah’s ashes today I got the Solliquin and started him on it today. But it is no miracle drug, it is not a sedative, and Thanksgiving is in 2 1/2 weeks.

This is very difficult. I took him with me on the drive over to get Delilah’s ashes today. It is, seriously, about a 2 1/2 minute drive from my house. I have a huge crate that fills my entire back seat and is lined with a soft, cozy quilt. We drove over to the vet and he was so agitated when I came out not much more than 5 mintues later with Delilah’s ashes and his supplements the crate was nearly rocking off the seat. He was beside himself. I put my head down on the steering wheel with Delilah’s ashes in my arms and wept. What in God’s name am I supposed to do?

Another dog now could help, or not. The supplements will take weeks to start working. Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away and Christmas just a few weeks later, one of only 2 times I get to see my 2 out of town children and their families each year, but I will not put Pugsley at risk. The vet said that in addition to the supplements what was needed was a very serious course of behaviour modification to help with his separation anxiety. All well and good, but months are needed to effect change, and I have a senior, at risk, dog here.

I brought him home, walked him, gave him his first supplement wrapped in cheese because he wouldn’t otherwise take it and set my beloved Delilah down on the counter in front of the studio windows. The wooden box in the green bag with her ashes, the little pawprint they make before they cremate them, and her collar. I thought I would collapse. Too much, too much, too much, but the reality of the situation, and here is a little boy who relies on me completely, and what do I do?

Another dog will come along when the time is right. I haven’t a clue what kind of dog that might be, or when the time will come. Right now it is just Pugsley and I. Rachel said I could bring him for Thanksgiving but before we even try that she suggested I bring him this weekend for a visit to see how he does. Wednesday I am supposed to take him with me to therapy but based on the fact that he did so poorly just going a couple of minutes from my house today to get Delilah’s ashes I am dubious. I will try. It is a time of trial and error, doing the best I can for my boy, holding on fast, kissing and cuddling and doing my best to take care of us both. The hurricane stuff will have to wait. Pugsley and I are in survival mode, and tonight I don’t know how we are going to make it, either of us, but I will be giving my all to see that we do.

And now my little Delilah is home. It was excruciating to leave the house today, I was a wreck, but I couldn’t leave her over there, we needed her with us. She is home now. And we go on as best we can.