Losing Tanner — Page 2

It is so hard to begin a new week without my boy Tanner, but life goes on and time moves swiftly. I didn’t sleep well last night, got up at midnight and went out with Delilah and Pugsley and then came back in and watched my Netflix show until 2. I finally fell alseep and was up at 7:30. It was cold and raining. I went out with my 2 little pugs and as they rushed out into the rain to go potty I stood staring at Tanner’s little grave. 3 days ago he would have been here starting the day with us. They came in, I fed them, made coffee, and sat down here wondering how to do life in this new altered state?

Aaron and Stephanie and the baby left yesterday to go back to Atlanta. We only get to see them 2 or 3 times a year and it was an outright miracle that Aaron was here Friday night when Tanner died, that he could come with Rachel to dig the grave. But they were both here, and sweet Tanner was wrapped in a blanket and laid to rest. I have not been the same since and while I have, for the most part, stopped wailing in hysterical tears I feel empty and lost without him. But here are my other 2 babies. We go on.

Something else has been happening the last few days that bears sharing but has been lost in the shuffle. I started the ketogenic diet on October 11. It will be 6 months in a couple of days. I lost 25 pounds the first 2 months and then came to an absolute standstill. Despite the fact that I haven’t, as God is my witness, had one bite of anything not on the ketogenic diet, my weight has stalled for 4 months. This happens on keto. It is mysterious. But I started in October at 333 pounds and I could not get below 302. I was nearly crazed being so close to breaking 300 pounds but unable to do it, especially since I was being vigilant about the diet. Last Monday I started the week at 304.8. The day the kids arrived last Wednesday I was 303.6. The odd thing was that though many people doing keto have a little wine with no problems or impact on weight I have been refraining because being stalled I was so afraid to do anything that would keep me from losing weight I didn’t want to risk it. But it was so nice to have the kids in, to have the family all together, I thought, “Oh heck, I am perfect about the diet, I’m going to have some wine with the family!” I had 2 glasses of wine Wednesday night. Thursday morning I got up and had lost 2.8 pounds! I weighed 300.8. The next day I weighed 301. Saturday I weighed 300.2 and yesterday — I nearly fell off the scale I was so shocked! — I weighed 299! Today I started out a new week at 298.2. It would seem that the stall is broken! I have a long way to go but there is movement. I’ve lost 6.6 pounds in the last week. I know the numbers will fluctuate, as they do, but I haven’t seen anything below 302 since I started. I’m in the 200’s! It feels grand!

And the thing is that everything has changed so much since I started on keto 6 months ago. No longer pre-diabetic, blood pressure in the normal range, and amazingly coming off all psych meds. And the thing that really struck me today was the sure knowledge that if I had lost Tanner so suddenly and unexpectedly a year ago when I was in such a terrible state the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called one terrible night I would very likely had to have been hospitalized. And surely, with my eating out of control I would have nearly eaten myself into a coma. I would have been so bereft I would not have been able to function. I am heartbroken, I am terribly sad, I am grieving, it will take time to deal with this, but I am dealing with it, I am taking care of myself and my 2 other little pugs. I am, though often dissolving into tears, functioning. I credit the ketogenic diet with this. It has a profound affect on your body, your brain, your whole life. It’s nice to lose weight, I needed to lose a lot of weight, but that’s not why I started keto. I started keto because of all of the research about it’s affects on the brain, on mental health, and it has helped me immensely. It has changed me. In these last unbearably hard days I have been coping. I will make it, I will get through this, I will carry on.

My, it’s such a dreary day outside, but inside Delilah and Pugsley and I are cozy and warm. Because I didn’t sleep well or much last night and we were up early after I get this post up and out I am going to take them out and then snuggle up with them in our big chair and take a nap. They are the most healing little beings. Pugs are remarkable dogs. They are like little living, breathing teddy bears. They are my babies. Friday afternoon, before he died that night, Tanner was snuggled up with us too taking a nap. Now there are only the 3 of us. It makes me terribly sad, but my 2 babies and I will make it through.

It is a new day. There is work to be done. I am trying to figure out what to do, where to go from here. What I do is get up in the morning, take care of the babies, make my coffee and start my day. I answer people who have commented here on the blog, I go through email, I make a list of things that need to be done and I begin doing them. That is all any of us can do, one thing at a time, one moment at a time, baby steps and on we go. I am figuring out life without Tanner, that is my big work now, and everything else will unfold around it. And I Keto On, and I have broken 300 pounds, and I am so proud of myself that I did not succumb to mindless overeating in a state of grief. That is as big an accomplishment as the weight beginning to come off. There is progress here, there is forward movement, for today it is enough.

I hope you are well wherever you are. I would love to hear from you, hear how your days are going, what you are up to. Leave me a comment below if you’ve a mind to. It’s important to be in touch, to share, to be heard. Despite everything that is going on I am here, I am listening, I care. I appreciate those of you who take time to comment, so much. Thank you for being here with me.

It is another day. On I go…