Living alone — Page 2

This morning I woke up at 5:45. I had already been up once at 1:30. I was so tired but I could never go back to sleep. My mind was doing its spiraling dance, getting louder and louder despite my best efforts to quiet it. Breathing slowly in and out, praying, all the usual techniques. By 7:45 I still hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, anxiety was rising, sleep would not come, there was nothing for it but to get up.

I took the dogs out, got them their breakfast and morning meds and made coffee, and was here at my desk by a little after 8. I felt down, sad, kind of anxious and teary. I do pretty well most of the time these days but the hard days will come. I had to make some decisions about what to do. Managing depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues without medication, as I have been for over 8 months except for 10 days recently when I’d had a run of bad days and tried going back on medication with some adverse reactions and it was decided that it would be better, in fact okay for me to go back off medication, and it has been, does not mean that I will not have bad days. The issue is how to manage them when they come. If things got bad again, and were unmanageable, then medication could be an option, but I am not there.

There is only one way to stop anxiety from spiralling out of control which, at my current level, is doable. It takes effort, self-care, gentleness, and compassion for myself. I am approaching this difficult day from all of these angles.

First of all I sat down here with my coffee and before I took the first sip I was making a list in my notebook, getting everything down on paper that was overwhelming and frightening me. Written down in black and white it became, not a scary, amorphous blob of fear, but a list of things that had to be taken care of. Phone calls to make, one in particular not pleasant, some just business to take care of, one that made my stomach flip-flop, but still just a list of tasks that, once taken care of could be dealt with. I kept looking up at the note I keep stuck to the top of my computer, Marie Forleo’s wise counsel, “Everything is figureoutable.” And indeed it is. One by one I’ve been making phone calls and getting things done, crossing things off the list. It feels good.

Still I have a panicky feeling in my stomach. I threw half of my coffee out. I wrote to a friend who is waiting for me to send her something and told her I was having a hard day and may not be able to do it today. I got a package ready to be picked up by Fed-Ex and arranged a pick-up. I made other calls. I am doing this blog post.

The key to anxiety is to get hold of it, like taking a firm grip on the reins of a horse that is trying to run away with you. To do what you can in a concrete manner, tick those things off the list, as many as you can, and let go of everything that you possibly can. When I get this blog post up I am going to draw because that makes me happy. Sometime today I will do my yoga. Exercise is very hard for me when I am having a hard time but I feel better afterwards if I can manage it. I used to just not do it. Today I will make myself. One thing that is crucial, as a 64 year old woman who lives alone, is to take the best care of myself that I possibly can. Yes, I have a daughter I can call on if things get bad and she is very dear and a tremendous help to me but I do not and will not take advantage of that. She works full-time, long hours, she has a husband and son to be with and look after, and a very busy life. She always makes time for me and we are very close but it is important not to take advantage of others when you can take care of yourself. The older I get the more I might need help. I am not going to to ask for help when I can do things myself.

I have, historically, and due to extreme circumstances, serious mental health challenges, including agoraphobia, and being so sensitive to everything in my environment it was hard to get through a day, relied on others to help me with many things, basic life things. One thing that has changed for me in my road to wellness in the last year is the deep desire to do what I can for myself, first and foremost, before calling for help. I am afraid, but I do it, at least I try my best, and am usually successful. Then, when I do need to call on someone, we both know that I have done everything that I could before calling for help. I would want to do this in any case, I had already come to this, but something I heard a few days ago really made it hit home.

I was speaking with someone who has a family member who is about my age and who is not taking care of themself very well at all including engaging in some at risk behavior. What the person I was speaking to said, out of worry and frustration, was that this individual didn’t stop to think that his behavior and lack of taking care of himself didn’t just affect him but family members and others around him who would have to deal with what would happen if something happened to him. This was said by a sensitive, caring person who was worried, not some callous person who just didn’t want to help a family member, and it strengthened my resolve to continue to do everything I could to be responsible and take care of myself. I am fortunate to have family that loves me and will help me if I need help. I also love them enough not to want to be a burden, and to do what I can to be responsible for myself as long as I can. That includes things large and small. That includes taking care of my life in every possible way. That is maintaining a healthy diet, losing the weight I need to lose, exercising even when I don’t feel like it, being safe in every way that I can in my life, and taking care of practical matters in every way that I possibly can. Today that started with making myself get up when I was spiralling downward, starting my day, making the list, making calls, taking care of business.

There is still the matter of that one scary call. I have tried twice, left one message, and the second time just hung up when no one answered. I will try again later. Until I make that connection the anxiety will not abate, not completely. But I have gotten a number of things done, I will keep moving forward, I will get through this day, I will make it the best day that I can. It’s all that I can do, and I’m doing it. And I’m not ashamed to ask you all for prayers, they would help, and if you can send a few up for me I thank you. It’s also wise to ask for the help that we need when we need it. And so I have.