I lost my mind!

I haven’t a clue what happened to me yesterday. Well, I am all discombobulated worrying about Pugsley and having to put three different kinds of drops in his eye every time we turn around. And then yesterday morning I had an appointment with an attorney to make a new will. I had one years ago but it was no longer pertinent. Rachel went with me. It’s amazing the things you have to take care of when you really don’t even have much in the way of worldly goods to leave but there are things like Power of Attorney, the Living Will, and so on. That’s how the day started yesterday. It all went well but it set me a little on edge.

I got home, got more drops in Pugsley’s eye and then got the nice note from the lovely woman who asked me to do a Lady for her. We agreed on how it would be done and it all set me off on a whole tangent about the Ladies, and how they came about and how I might do them again to make money to cover vet bills and all of a sudden I was just off and running. I just WENT ON! And I went on about pugs too, about so many things. I just lost my mind. The blog post was way too long, I said way too much, a good editor would have cut it down to about one sentence if she was worth her salt but the unfortunate thing was that my brain was in such a state I didn’t realize until 6:00 this morning how bad it was. I got up to go to the bathroom and all of a sudden BOING! It hit me. I sat in relative darkness, on my phone, with sleeping pugs tucked in around me, and just kept deleting, more and more and more. And then I’d go back in and delete more. Fear about the whole situation with Pugsley, the vet bills, the worry over his eye, and just 4 weeks to the day after losing Tanner just got the best of me. It reminds me of that old saying, “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” Sigh… Indeed.

And, frankly, in retrospect, it all felt a little bipolary to me, too bipolary for comfort. Grief over Tanner and worry over Pugsley and vet bills, etc, have eaten away at my sense of security and “alrightness” in the world. I have been overwrought and scared for the last few weeks and it has taken a toll. And then when an offer from someone to do a Lady for her in order to help make money for the vet bills came it just sent me off and running on a tangent that was like a wild horse who has broken out of the pasture and is on the run. I was spinning, spiraling, running away with myself. I hate that, I really do.

I’m better today, quiet, sitting here having my coffee. Maurice will be here today to help in the yard and garden. He will cut the grass and do what needs to be done. Tonight my friend Noni is coming over to bring her parrot Canela who I will be babysitting while Noni is out of town this week. I am nervous and uneasy in myself but I am working very hard at focusing, staying in the moment, and just doing what needs to be done.

I cannot make grand plans and schemes about making money with the Ladies. As situations arise where I can do so I will in order to help pay these vet bills but I am not going to try to launch any new project with them. The thing is, I can’t. I am trying to stay balanced and sane, trying to take care of myself and my babies, trying to live my life as best I can here, and it is a lot of work. Sanity doesn’t come easy for some of us.

If you were here yesterday and read that whole long mess of a blog post I apologize, truly. (Shaking head sadly.) I hope it won’t happen again. No time soon anyway. For today I am going to stop here. I am quieter today. This is a good thing. Some things are just better left unsaid.