Grief — Page 3

Today Rachel came over and brought me tulips…

It is almost 5:30 p.m. I made it through a long day of going out and doing things that had to be done. Therapy, grocery shopping, the ordinary things, but at 6:30 when I woke up this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep I was near despair. I tried for an hour to go back to sleep, finally gave up, turned on the light, and went back to reading Katya’s book, the one I spoke about yesterday. It helped a bit with the aching terror. Having lost Tanner so suddenly and unexpectedly I am now so afraid that something will happen to one of the other babies I want to hold onto them for dear life. After awhile I went back to sleep for a time and finally got up.

Starting routines each day that Tanner was so much a part of takes such a toll that by the time the little ones are fed and my coffee is made I sit here shaking and lost. How, I wondered, at 10:00 this morning, was I going to make it through the day? How could I make it out to therapy? — though I needed it badly — and the trip to Costco is overwhelming for me at the best of times, but the refrigerator was almost empty. I ate my last can of tuna yesterday for lunch. I had my last eggs last night for dinner. I was almost out of cream for my coffee, so many other things, I had to go. As the morning wore on I was in tears and wondering if I should cancel therapy. Rachel texted me, saw that I was in a bad state, and said that she come come over between meetings for a half hour around noon. I said it would be wonderful to have a hug. She came, and she brought me the bright yellow tulips you see at the top of this post. And just to have her here, to hug her, to be with my sweet daughter for 30 minutes made everything better.

Before Rachel came my dearest friend Jeff called. He was worried about me. Jeff and I have a connection unlike any I’ve ever had. He is so psychically attuned to me the phone will ring out of the blue and he will say “What’s wrong?” One time I had just taken a scary fall, other times I have been in bad shape emotionally, and he knew, he just knew. Today he knew I wasn’t right in fact he said at 8:00 this morning when he was having his coffee he thought, “She’s not alright…” and he said he almost called then but he was afraid he’d wake me. In fact I was awake and indeed having a very hard time. We talked until Rachel arrived. I promised I would call him this evening.

I told Rachel that I had to take a shower. I had not taken a shower since Tanner died Friday night. I just couldn’t make myself move from this chair other than to take the little ones out or feed them. I wasn’t eating much, tuna right out of the can, scrambled eggs. After Rachel left to head to her next meeting I stood looking down the hall toward the bathroom, it was as if there was something terrifying down there. I hesitated, turned away, but turned back. When I got in the shower, finally, it felt so good. I stayed in there a long time. I finally got out, got dressed, and came back here to sit with my babies until it was time to get ready to go.

I keep greasing up my lips with Carmex lip balm, they feel awful, because I haven’t been able to stop nibbling the underside of my top lip. The soft skin feels weird now. I have stopped but it will take time for it to heal.

At Costco I bought a bottle of Melatonin. I am going to try that. I have been taking prescription Trazodone as I have taken for years, the only medication I have any more, but there are side effects and the dry mouth is awful and it isn’t even working very well anymore. At a recent Keto conference a nurse suggested taking 5 mg of Melatonin. I don’t know if it will work but I’m going to try. I just really need to sleep.

Maurice my dear yard angel was supposed to come by now to go over things in the yard with me and make a plan for digging beds. I tried to call him but couldn’t get him. I don’t know if he’ll be coming. Right now I’d be glad if he didn’t but I guess if we are going to do this, even the one green gated garden area where I can broadcast flower seeds they will have to be planted soon. It’s just something else to think about.

I got the groceries put away and gave Delilah and Pugsley bits of the roasted chicken I got at Costco for a little treat. Since I seem to be able to have a little wine I poured myself a small glass because my nerves are frayed. The night Tanner died I took a Xanax for the first time in 3 months, Rachel and Aaron thought I should and I don’t know how I would have made it without it. I took one the next morning when I was wailing inconsolably and could not get a grip but I haven’t had one since. I will not go down that road again. Nor will I start having wine all the time but right now a small glass is helping, just sipping.

I am sitting here with Tanner’s collar. I had Rachel take it off of him as she was wrapping him in the blanket for burying. I had to have it. It is the most heartbreaking thing in the world but comforting too. How will I go on without him?

In the last 2 days all of the bulbs and little plants I ordered have arrived. Over the next 2 days I will get them planted, I have to. This pot garden was planned when Tanner was alive, he would have been out there with me while I planted. That I have to do it without him absolutely breaks my heart, but it, too, is among the ordinary things of life. Groceries must be bought, meals must be cooked, the babies must be fed and cared for, the garden must be planted. Life goes on. And so it will. But for now I am just going to sit here and sip my glass of wine and hold Tanner’s collar and imagine his bright little spirit close to me and I pray that it is. I have made it through this day. That’s all that matters for now.