Gratitude

Gratitude is possible, despite whatever difficulties come up, despite the fears that too often color the hours, despite everything not being the way that you want it to be.

On the night of April 6 I lost my beloved pug Tanner, suddenly, and unexpectedly. It was such a devastating loss I didn’t think I could ever get past it. I will miss his sweet presence always. But today the hard edges of grief are softening and I remember with so much love and tenderness the 7 years that I had with him. What a funny precious boy he was. He came at a terrible time when I had lost 3 dogs in 4 months and my one precious little pug, Sampson, was so depressed he wouldn’t eat and was listless. Tanner was an emergency adoption because my Sammy needed help a human could not give. 2 year old joy boy Tanner came bouncing into the house and brought Sampson back to life. They were inseparable until Sam died in August 2014 at 16 1/2, and during the next years Tanner was here to bring so much love and happiness into my life in so many ways I cannot count them all. I was deeply blessed to have him, and I won’t tarnish his memory with anguished thoughts. I have grieved him, and now I will love him, in memory, and be grateful for all that he brought me.

In the weeks that followed we have faced scary health crises with both Pugsley and Delilah. Today Pugsley is doing amazingly well. Delilah has a little time to heal completely but she is on her way. They have both come through the scary times. They are here with me, darling, sweet, lovable babies, and we are peaceful and content in our happy home.

My children are healthy, happy, and safe as are their families. Yesterday as she sat at a stoplight a woman ran into Rachel’s car and ran up the side damaging the car but Rachel was safe. I thanked God. You can just be sitting there minding your own business and be hit by another car but it was not serious and everything turned out okay. I was flooded with relief and gratitude that it wasn’t more serious. All is well.

Delilah needs to be watched as it is so soon after her injury and I had a doctor’s appointment today I hated to miss, and I had to get to the pharmacy to get medication for Pugsley that it is important that he not miss. My dear friend Noni said she would come here and stay with the little ones and keep an eye on Delilah while I go. I am so blessed by the loving friendship that I have with Noni. For a year and a half we spent weekends together, cooked and ate and laughed and just had the best time, but since the end of October she has not been able to come like that anymore, in fact she has rarely been here at all. I have been so depressed about that, it has been really hard, and lonely, and I have been deeply disappointed. But there has not been one time in crisis that Noni did not come to my aid to help me and be my friend when I was in need. Things change. Life throws us curve balls. But to look at what is no longer possible for Noni and I from a place of lack and sadness would be to not appreciate the incredible loving friendship that remains. Today I celebrate all that there is between us. I am deeply grateful for Noni, I love her dearly, and I know how blessed I am to have her in my life.

And as I have written during these dark scary times with first Pugsley and then Delilah’s injuries people have come out of the woodwork to support us. I will never forget sitting in the emergency vet’s waiting room at 1:30 in the morning beside myself on Monday, not knowing what to do, and having countless people write to me on Facebook, engaging with me, sending me love and support, talking me through it until 4:00 a.m. It sounds trite to say “You are not alone, you are never alone.” but truly, if you have it in you to reach out, you will find that this is true. The important thing here is that in any situation in life we cannot be complacent, or sit back and wait for miracles to land in our laps with our eyes downcast, unmoving. I believe miracles happen when we are actively engaged with life, even little miracles, like writing into Facebook at 1:30 in the morning and calling out to whoever might be listening, “I’m scared, this has happened, I don’t know what to do…” I was crying out to the universe, “Help me…” and people answered my call. These may be considered small miracles, or no miracles at all to other people, but I can tell you in the middle of the night the people who answered were miracles to me.

I am focusing my attention on what I do have, not what I do not have.

I am making a conscious effort to notice and feel gratitude for all of the things in my life, and there are so many, that make me happy, that fill my cup, that bring me love, that show me that everything is okay, with the knowledge that the sure way to be okay is to realize that in this moment I am. And I am. And I am deeply grateful for that. In this moment I am so deeply grateful for so many things.

Gratitude, like so many other things, has begun to sound almost trite what with all the people out there “practicing gratitude” and gratitude journals and books on the subject. One can almost roll their eyes at the mere mention of the word. But the truth is when you are able to open your heart and be grateful for all the good that is present in your life it changes something, it relaxes something inside you, something turns around, the first intimations that you are going to be okay are felt and you can build on that. It is a place to begin.

I am no Pollyanna. I have lived long enough to know that things wax and wane. I will be afraid again, depression will come out of nowhere, there will be disappointments and hard times. That is simply the way life works. But these days of gratitude can carry us a long way, and returning to it as often as possible can lift us up out of despair and change the tenor of the times we are living through. Today I am grateful for so very many things. I want to remember this. I am going to try.