Finding my way back to my art

“She is finding her way”

She is finding her way, and I am finding mine.

This morning I decided it was time to start painting again. My soul has been calling me to for some time but I felt lost, I didn’t know where to begin. Awhile ago I put my “100 Ladies Project” to rest. I loved those Ladies, they had their day in the sun, they taught me a lot, but, after 5 years, they had run their course. I didn’t have another single Lady in me. And I knew I had something that wanted to be born but I didn’t know what. What I have decided to do is, without putting any pressure on myself or committing to a 100 day project or anything of that nature, I am simply drawing and painting to see what comes up, what or who is “in there” and wants to come out to play. And of course I drew and painted a version of me. I think the thing is I am charting my course, I am tracking my journey, I am trying to discover what comes next, in art and in life. This is where I begin.

And today I am taking stock. There are only 30 days left in my 365 day search for happiness. And I haven’t just written about happiness, I’ve written about hard times, the ketogenic diet, various things I have done or tried to do, going back on medication, but when I look over the last year I am amazed at the changes in my life. I have lost 50 pounds and am a lot healthier in a lot of ways that I was 11 months ago, I have written a lot and begun to teach again and teaching is the greatest gift, it is like coming home. I am writing a book coming out of my writing classes, I have begun doing yoga, and I am making art again. I am doing a number of other things as well which I have written about here on the blog. What I have been doing is shaping a life without realizing I was doing it. I now know what comes next. I have been deciding in increments along the way, and there’s something else, something huge.

Next month it will be 4 years since my return to this house after being gone for over 8 months while it was rebuilt after the fire. I felt so devastated, so lost, for so long, I could barely breathe, in a thousand different ways. But, as I’m sure is common for anyone who lives through a devastating fire, the thought as so much as a candle burning was abhorrent to me. I only this year got a candle. A candle. I used to have them everywhere. But the big thing is the fireplace. When I was looking for a house I told the realtor that I required 2 things — a fenced yard for my dogs and a real wood-burning fireplace. This house had both, and the fireplace was a great joy to me, until the fire. Now neither a candle nor the fireplace had anything to do with my fire, but still, I couldn’t bear so much as a tiny flickering candle flame let alone a big roaring fire in the fireplace. It has felt like a terrible loss and frankly I thought I would never have a fire in the fireplace again. Until now. Just this week I thought, it’s time, I will order a cord of wood this fall. I am ready to have a fire in the fireplace again. This is huge. I am healing. I wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen.

A glorious fire in the fireplace before the fire…

Yes, I am finding my way, and it’s time. I am still just at the beginning of many things, still going through many changes and challenges, as we all do in life, but I am becoming less afraid to take a chance, to try new things, to recover or reclaim old things. I am piecing my life together with pieces of the past, bits of the present, and building blocks for the future. It is actually a pretty wonderful time. And I am deeply grateful. I am here, I am moving forward, I am alive.