Finding my new normal

I started trying to write this post this morning over coffee. My mind wandered. I had had one of those rare mornings when I was uneasy when I got up. Not anxious, or depressed, or afraid as I have been for so long. Those things were my “normal” and as much as I would love to have felt happy, or at the very least at ease, they were just not something I had known in years. Today I do wake up happy most mornings.

In the last week I have talked to both my therapist, Helene, and Geoff, the P.A who has been managing my meds, and both concur that I am at a point in time where I am in a different place than I have been in a long time. I have written about this a few times here. Where I am, and this is a funny way to put it, in understanding what it means to live this new life off medication, is like trying to parallel park. I have never been good at parallel parking. You back into the spot, pull back out because the angle wasn’t right, back in, pull out, sometimes, for me, many times, (I am simply horrified when I have to parallel park somewhere!) and finally, if you are lucky, you navigate the spot and are able to park. That’s what it’s like for me now. I am trying to find my way to a comfortable place living day to day off medication but honestly I’m not quite there yet.

I wrote last week about red flags, about pushing myself so hard, last week, trying to get this technology worked out for my new Patreon community that I was just about losing my mind. I am a content creator, not a techie. But the moment when I thought, “If I just took a Xanax I’d feel better…” alarms were GOING OFF!!! in my head. “DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!” The very thought that I might like to take a Xanax let me know that something was wrong. I hadn’t had Xanax in 2 months, I didn’t take it then either, but I thought about it. That was the red flag waving wildly right here in front of me. I closed out those programs, and I haven’t returned, partly out of fear as well as overwhelm. Of course tomorrow I will return because though I could use, and would desperately like, some help to get this worked out, I can’t afford it. I have to figure out how to integrate the community forum platform, “Discourse,” with Patreon. It is going to be wonderful. This forum platform will be the heart and soul of the community. But it is just so hard for me. I will, however, move forward and trudge on tomorrow, but much slower. I will not take medication just to handle technology!

This morning I experienced something similar. I have been working on creating a few small, simple videos. I have shared them on Facebook and people enjoyed them. I shared them on Instagram too. But they were done with my iPhone and no fancy video editing software and I would like to be able to do nice videos. I am going to be doing short videos 5 mornings a week for some of my Patrons. (You receive different and more rewards for each platform you subscribe to. You can subscribe for only $2.00 a month and be part of the community, receive blog posts, special short “Pop-in” videos, etc. For $5 a month you will receive “Coffee With Maitri” videos 5x a week and these, I believe will be very special.) This morning I was trying out several different video editing software programs and again the technology had me in a ghastly state. Too, the programs that said they were “free” were only free for a brief trial period and you couldn’t export/upload any video in the trial period. I finally had to shut them all down. I will have to start with my iPhone and go from there.

My new normal is the place where I have to handle life in a sane way. Not trying to push to do things as fast as possible that are beyond my abilities as they are now. I can and will learn more and more as I go along. I am a hard worker, and dedicated. But the kind of women who will be part of this community I am creating will appreciate the fact that I am offering a lot even without a lot of fancy, expensive bells and whistles, and they will know that I will be working diligently to offer more and better things all the time. My experience, for 4 decades, has been in creating community and I am good at it. I will have to work my way forward understanding and implementing the new technology available, but I can and will get this thing up and running as soon as I can without pushing so hard that I am tempted to take a pill just to cope. Nothing is worth that to me. My health and well being come first. The thing is that in and of itself is part of my new normal, even caring to take care of myself in this way. Right now, each day, I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and going a little further, and I will.

And there’s more. You all know that I have been following the Ketogenic diet for 4 1/2 months. I have followed it to the letter, and while many people have wine in moderation, because you can on keto, I never have, until last week. It was recommended to me, by a doctor who has lost an incredible amount of weight (From 468 pounds to 165 pounds and kept it off nearly 20 years and followed this diet and had a glass of wine each evening.) that I wasn’t eating enough (My weight has been stalled for nearly 2 months after losing 25 pounds. I was barely eating anything. On this doctor’s recommendation I have begun eating a little bit more and having a small glass of red wine most evenings.) It has been lovely, but I think it has been too much.

I have never been a person who has overdone alcohol. I grew up in a culture of adults drinking way too much and I was sexually abused for many years because of this. I have always been afraid to be around people who were drinking recreationally to the point of getting drunk. It wasn’t funny or fun to me. It was not hard for me to go without wine for 4 1/2 months on keto, however, I do enjoy wine and I am finding that it is a little too easy to slip into having it every night, and to have more than I should. A whole glass instead of a half glass. A couple of nights 2 glasses instead of one. No, I didn’t gain weight, in fact eating a little bit more and having a little wine I have started losing weight again. But what I know is that even this much is hard on your liver, and when it is just so easy to get in the habit of having wine again after not having had it for months, that, for me, is another red flag. In my world that is what a red flag looks like. I don’t want to have Xanax and I don’t want to have wine each night to relax. I can have wine, but not if it slips into having it almost every night. Everyone must decide what works for them. This does not work for me. I am thinking very hard about this right now. If I can’t easily have it just occasionally I won’t have it at all.

There is so much to learn in this new world I have awakened to and at almost 64 I want to be clear and as alive as I can be. I want to feel everything. I don’t want drugs, even doctor prescribed drugs — I have never had any kind of illegal drugs, never even smoked marijuana, or a cigarette — to dull my senses. I have been numb for too long on all the psych meds. Waking up at last is too precious to waste.

So how do I do all of this? How do I find my “new normal?” One day, one hour, one moment at a time. It is kind of scary, but also pretty wonderful. I will just move forward, minute by minute, and see what each day brings. Hold me in your heart and prayers will you? I surely hold you in mine. Together we can find our way…