Yesterday was a nightmare. I went to the hospital where, thankfully, Noni met me and went in with me. I would not have made it without Noni being with me yesterday. I was afraid, but hopeful, praying that there would be no blood clot. The results shook me to my core. I not only have a blood clot in my leg but it goes from my groin to my ankle. It is serious, and their first response was that they should admit me to the hospital through the emergency room. Simply put, I went to pieces.

My first thought was, “Oh my God, what do I do about Pugsley? He’s home alone now, there is no one to take care of him, I have just lost Delilah, he’s a senior with a collapsed trachea and the stress of being boarded in a kennel could kill him.” And then of course I am agoraphobic. It is hard for me to leave my house in the best of times. A 3 day hospital stay? And then I have no medical insurance. I am eligible for Charity Care which would cover the procedure yesterday at the hospital but does not cover the Emergency Room and God only knows what the hospital stay would require, how much it would be (Thousands certainly) and Oh My God what was I going to do?

I was told that they were going to consult with my provider at the clinic who had sent me to the hospital for the ultrasound. I sat with Noni and cried, terrified. They called me back to talk to her on the phone. She said that fortunately because though the blood clot was large there was still blood flow in my leg and that meant that I could be treated on an outpatient basis. I nearly collapsed with relief. I had to leave the hospital and go to the clinic for a treatment plan and medication.

It was an afternoon of phone calls to my children (Rachel my daughter who lives here and is a tremendous support for me is out of town on business. She was so upset she was ready to leave her conference early and come back yesterday. She said if I needed to go in the hospital that’s just what I would do and she would take days off of work to stay here with Pugsley. Last night my son Aaron who lives in Atlanta was so unnerved he said he would drive here and stay with Pugsley if I needed to go in the hospital. We were all concerned that they were allowing me to be an outpatient because I had gotten so upset and frightened but if they told me that truly I would indeed be better going in the hospital for a few days I would do that and my kids would help if needed. I was assured however that the treatment I was being given was standard care and absolutely safe and the hospital was not needed.), and others, and it all became a blur of things that needed to be done and dealt with.

I am being put on one powerful blood thinner for 2 weeks at which point I go back to be checked and will be switched to a different blood thinner that I will have to be on for 3-6 months. I was given instructions for at-home care. When I finally got home Pugsley, bless his heart, had been alone here for 4 1/2 hours and was beside himself but thankfully okay. I walked him, fed him, took my medicine, and got in my chair with my feet up. I was near collapse. I was afraid, worn out physically and emotionally, and felt lost. There has just been such a terrible pile-up of things. This year, in 6 months time, I lost 2 beloved pugs, went through the hurricane, still have a mountain of things to deal with post hurricane with damage, trees, etc, and now this. I felt so beaten down I didn’t know what to do.

Calls went back and forth all evening between my 3 children and I. The kids were upset and worried, we were all scared, and I tried to comfort and reassure them as best I could. Dear friends called and offered support. I could barely think straight. A blood clot from my groin to my ankle. Unnerving is an understatement. And then of course there is the mountain of paperwork to deal with for Charity Care that they sent me home with that will just wear a body down. I couldn’t deal with it last night. Today I spent nearly 4 1/2 hours gathering and filling out paperwork, making numerous phone calls, and on and on. If your income is so low that you qualify for this kind of help you can get it but they don’t make it easy and it is overwhelming to have to deal with it when you are scared, and vulnerable, and dealing with a health crisis. It takes a toll.

There is no way to go through something like this without being afraid. I am afraid. And tired, and weary, and teary. But I have such a support system of loving people around me, family, friends, so many people praying for me, I am deeply grateful. I wish I could hug you all, each of you who has been and is there for me. You are helping me hold on, you are helping me cope. I couldn’t do this without you.

So I am here, typing on this old laptop with my feet up. The laptop doesn’t work very well but at least I can do some things on it and I’m grateful. I just can’t sit at my desk at my desktop computer for long periods which is terrible for my leg and which caused the problem in the first place. Too sedentary a lifestyle, sitting for hours and hours every day in front of the computer in a desk chair — Don’t do this! Get up and move. It’s been a near life-threatening wake-up call for me. When they told me at the hospital that it was a good thing I got in there when I did because in another 2 weeks I could have been in very serious trouble it chilled me to the bone.

I have to try to pull myself away from the brink of the abyss of fear because it is a vicious cycle of worst case scenarios that spins around repeatedly in your mind and if you are dealing with a health crisis that kind of stress is the last thing that you need. I am doing my best to stay connected to those I love, to pray, and to take comfort in the fact that I am being prayed for, and to hold on to anything I can that brings me comfort. Pugsley is tucked in beside me in the chair. There are good books to read, and my embroidery supplies have arrived. As soon as I get my wits about me I will get a little table set up beside my chair here with my sewing supplies and I will begin to sew.

There are so many things that need doing, so many things that I want to do, that I need to do, but right now everything but taking care of myself is put on the back burner. I am afraid not to be able to do something to start creating income especially this time of year when the holidays are approaching, I had really hoped to get my Patreon page up soon to start bringing in some much needed income, but faced with what I’m facing I have no choice but to follow doctor’s orders, take my medication, put my feet up, and rest. That is exactly what I am going to do.

Please keep me in your prayers if you don’t mind, I believe in the power of prayer and I really need them now. And thank you again for all of the love and support. If you are one of the people that has been here for me I will never be able to thank you enough. You are helping me get through this. I will never forget your kindness, and will be grateful beyond anything I can rightly express. Thank you, I love you, bless you.

I’m going to take a little nap now with my wee boy whose soft snoring beside me is one of the greatest comforts that there is. I’m going to close my eyes now. I’m so tired.