Equanimity

Anyone who has been following me for some time knows how truly remarkable this is. A year ago, and for the first many months of 2017, I was so profoundly depressed, my anxiety at an all time high, my PTSD flashing RED! my bipolar disorder all out of whack, I was a mess. I never imagined I could feel this good, I never imagined I could go off my medications and be medication free, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to go off xanax, and I was so lost I cried my way through therapy every week. Finally one night my daughter sat with me and called the Mobile Crisis Unit. If it weren’t for my beloved pugs who were what was keeping me afloat, I would have been hospitalized but I changed doctors, changed meds, made radical changes in my life and things started, ever so slowly, to turn around.

In October I went on the ketogenic diet, and though I needed to lose weight for sure there were a lot of health issues that needed to be addressed and I wanted to be able to be off meds and feeling good. I didn’t quite believe it could be possible but this article convinced me to try. Less than 3 month later I have lost 25 pounds, my A1C is 5.5, I am no longer in the diabetic range and don’t have to take any meds for that anymore, my blood pressure has gone down and is in a good range, I am in the process of going off all psych meds and I feel so good I can’t quite believe it. Now that I am off xanax completely I’ve expected to wake up one morning really anxious, but I don’t. The sense of equanimity in my life is almost shocking based on where I was last year, and I have come to a point — which I can’t believe — where when I go to therapy today I simply don’t know what to talk about, I just feel so damned good. It’s positively shocking. I’ve been in crisis mode so much of my life that I didn’t know what it felt like to feel good. I’m still having a hard time trusting that this will last, but every day I wake up and it’s a good day. It’s sort of like I keep poking and prodding myself to test all this, to see if it will go awry, but.it.just.doesn’t!

I don’t want to cut back on therapy because I adore my therapist and it feels good to go there but truly what do you do when you begin to feel so good you don’t know what to talk about? Last week Helene said that this week we would make a plan for what we need to work on now. Well I have thought about it all week and I am truly at a loss. I used to talk so much about my past, my childhood, the sexual abuse, all my mental health struggles, and so on, but, well, now, it has all changed. My past is just that, my past, and I feel so far away from it all it simply doesn’t matter anymore, it has dissipated, disappeared in the ethers, it is there, it happened, but it is not part of me anymore. I feel nothing but love and forgiveness for my parents who caused me such suffering because I know that they suffered too, they were marked by their own childhoods, they were afraid and damaged. Now they have crossed over some years ago and there is nothing left but love. It is nearly impossible to explain but it is so. I have let go of all the pain surrounding the end of my 31 year marriage. I am completely at peace with having come out as a lesbian, having had some disastrous relationships, and finally living a life of solitude. I have finally, I think, let go of my fire. It has tormented me for 4 years. It happened, it is in the past, I have a new life now and it is a whole new day. It has been very hard for me to have lost so much and come to live on so little money, afraid all the time, no medical insurance, having to go to the clinic, not being able to do alternative therapies and things I used to do, and so much more. But I am no longer afraid and I trust that things are going to change for me, that abundance will flow into my life, that donations will come here on the blog, that I will truly align with the work I’m supposed to do and that it will bring me the income I need. Inotherwords, every single thing, every area of my life, has transformed and it is nothing short of a miracle. I am on the road to wellness, I am beaming, I am glowing, I am happy.

So what will I talk to my therapist about today? I truly don’t know. I will tell her what I’ve told you here and see what she says. I will keep on with the ketogenic diet for the rest of my life, I will continue to meditate every day, I will come to this blog everyday, even, I think, past these 365 days. I think at the end of this project I will start another 365 day project because I have come to realize how life-changing it is, just to have to show up for something every single day no matter how I feel or what the circumstances are. Each day it is as though I am given a gift, the gift of knowing what I am supposed to write. It is as though this whole project is spirit led. I write what I am led to write, no matter how much or how little, and trust that it will land where it’s supposed to, will help who it’s meant to, and it has become a spiritual practice. I could no more stop blogging now than breathing. What do I talk to my therapist about today? I will thank her for all that she has done for me, I will tell her that I now know joy. I will say that I am honestly at a loss for words, and I will just sit with her and allow things to unfold as they are meant to in our session. I trust the process of life, I am experiencing a kind of grace and peace that was heretofore unimaginable, I am new, I am here, I am love, I am present, I am blessed. And so it is.

I wish you all, each one of you, all the peace and beauty that is truly possible in life. It I can get here anyone can. And I am here for you. Write to me in the comments below and I will answer you. I pray for you, I hold you in my heart, I love you.